okay i had something else typed up that was waaay longer but fuck it
tw: mentions of depression, dysphoria, police brutality, and passive/active suicidal ideations, US election, implications of death
yall im suffering from dysphoria, depression that evolved the egregious month of may 2020- so now its every summer, this years police brutality, the election and ideations that are teetering on the passive and active state
i must do something now or i may not be with yall
i have to leave the internet right now
i have a month left till college and its bugging me really bad cuz im alone in my room with no other peers 24/7. this is not helping my loneliness
technically yall are my only "friends" cuz i have none in irl, so this may be so fucking counterproductive but i started socials in 2019 ive gone longer without physical and internet friends as a teen cuz i waited until adulthood to get on this shit ass place. i have to make this sacrifice to save myself or i wont even be able to come back to yall. im so sorry
hopefully to ease you and myself, here are some goals that you can think about with me so i can pull through:
aug 21 - i move into my dorm
aug 26 - class starts
personal - start writing original stories
personal - working on my dorm amazon wishlist
personal - gender affirming care: social transitioning
personal - start drawing again
personal - start working a remote job or open an art store
while im gone feel free to inbox or tag me in anything you like so i have motivation come back and see all your wonder stuff
i think i owe it to yall, especially over the internet, to voice this so you just dont live with anxious thoughts over me not responding over a long period of time or that ive completely given up
im leaving because i havent. i just have a really big challenge to overcome or really prevent
im finna catch this shit right now cuz i dont want to be active. am i happy with how shit is? Absolutely Not!
do i want to get gone to the ancestral plane? NO! NOT YET, DAMN😭
but i have got to go and i hope you guys can support me on this
i have deleted all social apps off my phone, chrome on the computer and will be logging out.
just know on a scale of 10, im at a 4.5 - so like im literally on the fence. if i dont go now and do something about myself, i may slip into active state
i tend to pathologize instead of feel my emotions but i am highly aware that shit aint right. where i would have just layed in bed and wallowed, i now have to get my shit together or i will be in the ground
for those worried about my irl support system, i have my parents
thank you to everyone who has ever interacted with me. if i have any updates, they will be here; very short and sweet so i can log off
