(bc something about the heading didn’t look significant enough with only one Y)
i’m so glad y posted that anyone with a corona birthday should be allowed to reschedule to a less fraught time because this policy means that she still has a birthday to come and i did not, in fact, forget that it was yesterday and let it pass without notice.
now many of you probably already know that y is a super-sharp writer with a hilariously caustic eye who’s willing to plumb the depths of human vulnerability with equal parts sensitivity and ruthlessness. some of you also may know that when not writing the brilliant stories that make you cry and/or piss you off, she spends her days helping others. she is a person full of contagious enthusiasms. i love how much she loves nature! I love how much she loves her dog!
but here’s the thing. i’ve been having an extremely difficult few months and through it all y has been unfailingly kind, loving, and supportive to me. as E.B. White famously said, “It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Ymorton was both.”
and so, with love, a happy birthday to you, y, yesterday and on the future uncorona’d day of your choosing! see you on the other side of the apocalypse <333333333333
🎈🎊🎉 wishing a super happy birthday and the fulfilling year she deserves to a spectacular writer and clear thinker and kind friend, y @podsaveoursouls!!! y, i am so glad to know you, thank you for being the amazing person you are ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
an unhappy podsa birthday to someone very special!!!
yesterday it was the birthday of @podsaveoursouls, a good writer and good human and good friend. a nice thing to do when your friend has a birthday is to write something to please them, like maybe a cute story where person A is in love with person B and then finds out in a shocking twist that person B was pining right back the whole time! the problem is that y's not interested in happily ever after. the more her faves suffer, the more relaxed and at peace she gets. look, sometimes friendship means providing the ULTIMATE in brutal, uncompromising sadness and cruelty. thus i present to her, with all my love,
FIVE TIMES SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED AND ONE TIME IT GOT EVEN WORSE
1.
Elijah found the battered old time travel device at a dive bar in Clearwater. "This is amazing," he said to himself. "Now I can go back in time and document every turning point in Lovett's life." Quickly he figured out the coordinates for the Bolt Bus where Lovett had written his spec speech for Favs in 2009 and blasted through the spacetime continuum. Unfortunately, he landed heavily half on top of Lovett and knocked his laptop right off his lap.
"Oh my god!" said Elijah. He crawled down the aisle of the bus on his hands and knees and found the laptop being stomped on by a toddler six rows away. He brought it back to Lovett, stammering apologies.
When Lovett opened his laptop, it was obviously dead. The screen was cracked and blank. "Damn it," said Lovett, uselessly flipping the power switch on and off. "I was working on something."
"I know!!!" screeched Elijah. He wanted to die.
"Oh well," said Lovett, shrugging. "It was a dumb idea anyway. Now I can move to Alaska instead."
2.
"I've been thinking things over," said Tommy. "Shouldn't people who work hard for their money get to keep the fruits of their labor?"
"What?" said Jon absent-mindedly. He was working on an outline for the Thursday pod.
"If the wealthy are happy, then everyone's happy!" Tommy went on. "I love our meritocracy."
Jon looked up from his screen. "Tommy, what are you talking about?"
Tommy smiled at him. "I just think maybe we should complain less and appreciate the innovation economy more."
"Maybe leave the morbid dark humor to me," said Lovett.
“I’m one hundred percent serious,” Tommy said.
3.
"It's a truth serum," said the witch. "Totally tasteless. Just add a tablespoon to his drink and you'll know exactly what he really thinks."
"I need at least two tablespoons," said Lovett.
"Honey," said the witch. "Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone."
"Don't patronize me," said Lovett, and grabbed two vials of the stuff.
Later, back at the Crooked Media office, Lovett watched Tommy and Jon drink their cups of coffee to the last drop. Then he pounced. "How do you two feel about me?"
"You're my friend," said Tommy immediately. Jon nodded.
"Nothing more than that?" said Lovett.
"No," said Tommy, looking puzzled.
"What else would there be?" asked Jon.
"Nothing," said Lovett, cheeks burning. "Did you guys get dinner without me last Wednesday?"
"Definitely," said Tommy. “It was awesome.”
Lovett bent down to pet Pundit so he could hide his face. "Um, do you like my show?"
Jon smiled kindly. "Lovett or Leave It? Sure."
"How funny do you think it is?" Lovett asked Tommy.
"Meh," said Tommy, shrugging.
"Do you think there's like…a funnier podcast?"
Tommy and Jon looked at each other. "Keep It!" they yelled at the same time.
Lovett closed his eyes. "Do you mean like, I should keep that question because it's so dumb for me to even ask because of course Lovett or Leave It is funnier, or do you mean—"
"No, we literally mean Ira's podcast is funnier," said Jon.
Tommy nodded. "More cutting-edge pop culture content, too."
4.
When Tanya arrived at the office on Monday, the guys were already seated around the conference table arguing about whether the Kremlin's documented use of mind control rays could have possibly influenced the 2016 election. Still, things seemed quieter than usual. It took Tanya a moment to realize that was because the dogs weren't there. She scanned the entire office, confused. "Hey, where's Pundit? Where's Leo? Where's Lucca?"
"Who?" said Favs.
"I don't know the new intern names yet," said Tommy apologetically.
"Like we'd let a pundit in here!" said Lovett.
Tanya stared at them. "Your dogs, guys. Where are your dogs?"
They looked back at her blankly. "But we don't have any dogs," Favs said.
5.
For hours, Jon, Jon, and Tommy had been glued to the needle and Nate Silver's twitter page. It was 10 pm on Tuesday, November 3, 2020, and the final week of polling had looked good for the Kristen Gillibrand/John Legend ticket. "Hope and change," Favs mumbled to himself over and over like a prayer. "Hope and change. Hope and change." Then every network called the election for Trump.
1.
Jon, Jon, and Tommy spent all morning preparing for Obama's visit to their new offices. They were so excited to share their latest plans and projects! When Obama got there, he was thoughtful, and quieter than they’d expected. They redoubled their efforts to impress him. At one point, Lovett made a joke and Obama didn't laugh, even though it was super funny. Later, Tommy reminisced about when Obama comforted him on a bus in Iowa, but Obama just frowned vaguely and said, "Oh, that's nice." He did agree to listen to a bit of their most recent podcast. Favs tried not to stare nervously at his president's face while he listened to the opening segment of the latest episode, packed full of political insight, inspiring calls to action, and sparkling humor. At last Obama took the headphones off and sighed deeply.
"So…did you, um, like it?" Favs asked.
"Absolutely worthless," said Obama. "I am so disappointed in you, Jon Favreau."
