The Necessity of Duality
Much of the focus of my spiritual growth over these last years has in some shape or form touched on non-duality. It began with being guided to observe instances of polarity - the simplified areas of judgment that snag every living human: black versus white thinking. Male versus female. Christian versus Muslim. Straight versus gay. Religion versus science. Spirituality versus dogmatism. Need I go on?
That focus on duality had led to a profound exploration of dark versus light. In turn, I have been guided to see them not as points of opposition, but as points of balance. My growing understanding has led to a dismantling of an almost innate fear of darkness. In turn, it has unlocked a new and profound perception of the world.
I have been standing between worlds, 3D reality and the spirit world, all my life. In my naive past, I saw them as being 100% exclusive of each other, an either/or perception, which forced choices between them. I found myself veering into the spirit world every once in awhile, sometimes suppressing it (out of fear), and choosing the (imbalance) of staying anchored in the 3D. My shifting perspectives on dark and light has led to a profound need to pull toward the middle.
The middle presents an alternative to either/or thinking: stand in both worlds, to take Spirit into 3D reality, and to bring reality into my spiritual work. As such, this morning, my tarot reading was more clear than ever. Non-duality showed up with a clear message about being authentically human while insisting on being true to my spiritual nature and calling. It was a call to refuse to split the two.
You may be asking, What’s the point?
When we choose to walk the middle path, life becomes easier. The either/or split of mind or heart instead becomes a guiding of the mind with the heart - balancing our perspective, helping to guide us, moment to moment, away from oversimplified judgment to discernment. Discernment provides a profound clarity that can guide us through the minefields of life where we are expected to pick sides or are pressured to be something that we are not.
The polarities lead to dysfunctional agreements within a culture rife with a vested interest in keeping polarities alive and well. As long as we are kept fighting, living in fear, suffering, shaming and feeling ashamed, we are powerless to step fully into ourselves as we are meant to be in life - fully self-actualized and living with purpose.
Perhaps an example would be helpful.
I have been on the spiritual dojo mat more times than I wish to count. I have been bruised and battered and humbled. In trying to carry spirituality into my 3D world, perhaps my greatest sparring partner has been my relationship with one of my parents. Background: I have suffered a lifetime of being disempowered by someone who is supposed to love me most in the world - my mother. My ego has reacted in so many ways, some of which I am embarrassed to admit. Much of that reaction has been as a result of the on-going, toxic relating. The conflict that has been the central point of my struggle in being a so-called “spiritual person” has been as the result of oscillating between two polarized ends of this painful issue.
On one end, I was psychologically and emotionally abused, not only as a child, but into adulthood. It took me decades to see that, every time I had an interaction with my mother, I would walk away injured and slip into a depression for the the following weeks. The result of continuing to put myself in harm’s way was a self-defeating, self-sabotaging, self-destructive streak that was ultimately as a result of seeing myself as a victim. Who had the power to make it stop? Me. And only me.
On the other, polar end was a culture that demands a sense of duty and obligation to parents and family, no matter what. Well, in our culture, physical abuse has become an acceptable reason to part from family. Psychological abuse can be just as insidious as physical abuse, and yet, we are supposed laugh off painful, passive aggressive “jokes” and ignore terrible comments and behavior because “that’s just how your mom is.” The scars of prolonged exposure are deep and impact how I “do” life. And although my counselor was helpful to me warming up to the idea of my eventual divorce from my mother, I avoided the thought because the thought, all by itself, induced a weighty guilt that was just too great. I mean, how can one abandon their parents? That’s a sin, isn’t it?
Finally, as with many other things that I have viewed from one end or the other, or swung wildly between, creating emotional and therefore physical and spiritual instability, I finally realized that there was a space in the middle. No longer sitting in the victim polarity, I decided that I would no longer accept abuse, which meant I had the right to protect myself from my parent, which meant that I couldn't be around her. On the other polar end, I was finally able to reconcile that I the only duty I ultimately have is to myself. I can no longer be beholden to a culture that accepts abuse as a norm in an effort to keep the peace and families together. I have no duty to a culture that does not recognize my pain and my need to be free of it.
The middle path helped me to find a calm and “spiritual” perspective that allows for all factors to coexist in honest reality, from what lies in the polarities to everything in between: The abuse happened, and my suffering has led to greater wisdom and empathy in many ways, and the abuse can happen no more; my mother is a deeply troubled individual with her own wounds, and she does the best she can with what she has, and for that I feel great compassion, and I can no longer allow the abuse to happen because she refuses to work to heal herself; I can see the silver linings, and I can love her unconditionally and with gratitude for all that she has given me that has been good, and the abuse can not be allowed to happen any longer.
Similar lessons have brought me to the middle, especially in the arenas of man versus woman and religious versus scientific. By finding the value of both ends, and all that stands between them, I find myself appreciating the benefits, hindrances, and balance of it all. I also can now clearly see that, when my ego sinks into duality, I suffer. I slip into self-doubt because I am subject to the judgments of those who are invested in living from the polar ends. As much as my fellow victims may be mystified by my audacity, as much as my culture may shame me for my choice, I cannot betray myself anymore. We are not meant to live in doubt of ourselves.
Non-duality means rising above 3D vision to observe the truth of situations, to take an accounting that is objective, to judge without being judgmental, to be free of the heat of explosive, emotional reaction. In the end, it is a freeing gift.
© Estara Merit, 2024
Photo by Kourtney Gundersen