CN: we dive right into the feels with this one. And then some kissing. We will bring the group together in the next one, promise!
You find Simon in the barn, staring at the torn mood board. You barely know the man but the way he tapes a torn picture together warms your heart in a sweet and painful way. You know you get a glimpse of his softer side, something he usually hides.
"Hey..." you make yourself known, stepping closer.
Simon turns, mask hiding most of his face. No words, but he steps aside, gives you space.
"You okay?" He asks and it sounds a little lost. Big man, not used to talking. Especially not about feelings. A strangely opposite to Johnny who always tells you everything. Maybe that's why you like him.
"Yeah, better. Sorry for... What you said, it hurt. It hurt because of things other people have said in the past. You couldn't know that, but you found the thing that caused the most pain. When you grow up with ADHD or any kind of diversion from the norm, you get judged, especially in small communities. When you are also openly queer and don't marry at 20, you might as well wear the scarlet letter and accept to be called a whore and treat you as such. I went to a very dark place for a while, and sometimes I still slip."
You picked up some pictures and pinned it back to the board.
"Being with Johnny means fighting with him from time to time. To be fair, we are very similar in that aspect, so please don't think that you have to handle me like someone who breaks easy. But I do have triggers. I do get meltdowns. I cry. I lash out. Mostly at myself. If... If you decide to stay…with us… I need to know that you won't use this against me. Honesty is the most important thing for a reason here. I don't play games like that. WE don't play games like that. That is the promise I can make. I won't lie to you, I won't pretend. I might forget things. But not intentionally."
The whole time, you don't dare to look at Simon, you don't want to see the rejection. Instead you keep busy putting the board back together. Self destructive behaviour was something you are a bit ashamed of, no matter how irrational it was.
So when Simon steps closer and ever so gently pulls the paper from your hand, you jump a little, tensed up.
His voice is rough, like something is caught in his throat. But when you look up, you see no rejection, just … old pain, similar to yours.
"I am sorry I hurt you. Guess we are not so different in some aspects. I don't trust people. I want to, but I have a past as well. I am a bit fucked up and I fuck up things. And I won't promise that it's the last time. But I... want to try. I was ready to let Johnny go, if it meant he is happy. Never imagined we had a real future. Not together. Not both of us alive. Never had anything to live for beyond missions. And you... fuck, you are like a dream. Too good to be true. Can't trust it. Not yet. But I want to try. For him. For you."
He stands in front of you, big, helpless. Raw. And all you want is to hug him, hold him, tell him that it's all going to be okay. So you do, pressing your face into his ridiculously massive chest. "That's all I need. All we need." you know your voice is muffled, but he hears you, draws you closer. You take a shuddering breath, tension bleeding out of both of you. Maybe one day, Simon would try for himself as well.
Some part of your brain thinks it's weird, that you feel so safe in his arms, you shouldn't feel like you already know him, there should be a distance, but it's like you belong here, seeking comfort from a man who has done terrible things. Like Johnny. Probably even more. Actually, you are about to start a polyamorous relationship with four war criminals for all you know, but in your heart, they are yours already. Or you are theirs.
You feel the shift in his stance, relaxing, and you can't help but press your hands against the muscles of his back, taking a deep breath. Funny how Simon's smell reminds you of Johnny and you feel the warmth spreading over you. Inappropriate... But your mind is already wandering, now that the crisis is averted. And he smells so good. And you had been around these hot men for days, who could blame you. And it doesn't help that Simon moves his hand lower, gripping your thighs and lifts you up with a small grunt, so he can burry his face in the crook of your neck, deeply inhaling.
"y'smell good... Like Johnny and fresh laundry..." Voice low and growly, sending a shiver down your spine. Feeling his lips on your skin doesn't help either.
"Think I should take my time, to get to know you better." It sounds like a promise.
"Hmm, what... What do you want to know?" Your question comes out a bit breathy, clinging to him.
"Everything. The way you smell, how you feel under my hands, how you like to be taken apart and put back together."
You actually try to get a look at his face. "All or nothing?", you ask, just to be sure. You had a feeling that Simon would be like that. Greedy, when he was allowed to be.
"All or nothing. Not good at doing things slow or by halves. Never know how much time I get."
It makes sense and you nod. "All in"
There is still a moment, that look in his eyes, not trusting the gift, but wanting to trust. And then his mask is gone, his lips are on yours, hungry, relentless. Hands still holding you until he places you on the couch, towering over you, giving you a moment to stop it. But all you can do is placing a hand over the scars on his cheek, softly.
"Same rules for everyone. If I can stop any time, you are allowed to stop as well. I rather have just cuddles and kisses than any of you forcing themselves to some performance."
He nods and when he kisses you again, it's softer, slower, a promise for more, but this time he takes his time. Wandering lips, along your throat, to the swell of your breasts, his hand finding a way under your shirt, groping your fat. "So fucking soft, so perfect for us.." he growls into your ear and you sigh in relief and delight. Being confident and fat is one thing, being admired, wanted for it, is another rush.
You feel his teeth, scraping over your skin. "Wanna mark you as mine. As ours.." There is a question in there and you nod. The mix of pain and pleasure is delicious as Simon goes to work, sucking and biting until the bruises bloom. And then he just holds you. Head on your chest. Your hand resting on his head. As if it's enough that he left proof of his affection.
"Need to talk about boundaries. Kinks." His voice is so calm again. "We do this properly. Not gonna fuck it up, not intentionally."
You just hum in agreement, hand carding through his hair. It feels good, domestic.
You have a feeling, you should get a bigger couch for the barn.
Leaving this here, although I am not too happy about it. Let me know in the comments what you think.
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