#polyfail

[she-complains-about-everything]

Polyamory, supposedly.

My wife and I are supposedly polyamorous. She never dates anyone. Somewhat recently I dated one person, and she turned out to be bad for me. I have a new interest, but my wife says I can't date her because she has things she wants us to work on first. But she doesn't tell me what that is, or how to proceed. My wife doesn't give me orgasms, doesn't cuddle, doesn't kiss, doesn't usually GAF in general. I'm dying here.

[polyputthekettleon]

More fail.

Hopefully, at some point, these posts become more positive... We’ve certainly done some more dating and talking etc., etc. since my last post, but since this is basically where I come to process things, ya’ll pretty much just get to see me freak out. Enjoy.

Tonight my (primary? nested?) partner revealed he’d taken me up on my offer for him and a friend of mine whose been having a lonely time of things to go ahead and play together; they’ve played some in the past, and I figured a good time could be had by all.

She is definitely in the “family zone” for me, so any version of playing together is completely out of the question. So, during a week where I was housesitting with my kiddo in tow and he had the house to himself, he jumped at the opportunity. This was *not* the scenario I had imagined playing out in my head.

Basically, over the course of the last three years’ worth of conversations and experiences, some of the boundaries (read: policies I had assumed we were functioning under) we’ve reached are as follows (and yes, I bunch of these are doubtless resulting from hierarchal polyamory, which I know is a problem... I’m working to move away from that school of thought, but it still sneaks in, and I’m not 100% able to just brush it off yet):

No sexing random strangers. We both need to meet and like the person (as a friend) first.

Always, always, always, ALWAYS use protection. Always.

Get each other’s consent before taking relationships with other partners further (physically or emotionally).

(I realize this is bullshit hetero-normative hierarchical nonsense, buuuuut) First time actual penis-in-vagina sexing outside of our marriage, we do with both people present.

I imagine there are other assumptions, but those are the big ones I can think of right now. And tonight I learned that he straight-up ignored/forgot/had moved on from those last two boundaries. It’s not like I’m blameless. In the past, I *said* he could play with her. I told her *she* could play with him. I honestly didn’t imagine it would then happen without any prior alert or discussion. I thought we were both staying in our separate houses for the week, possibly pining for each other (or at least that’s what I was doing), and then maybe we’d get to have some fun making-up-for-lost-time sex next week. Instead, tonight, I learn that he’s been having plenty of fun without me around, while I’ve been hanging around, stuck in a house containing one three-year-old and three dogs. And I am pissed. Not because he had sex with someone-not-me, but because it was done without my informed consent, and that he’s now taken this leap that I thought we were going to take together all on his own. And that he’s done this while we’re still trying to get past the relationship challenges of having a kid, of him not being very attracted to my post-baby body, and of him often being so excited about playing a video game, he’d rather skip sex. For the record, he has apologized for not checking in with me. And I’ve apologized for essentially giving him consent without making sure we were on the same page regarding boundaries/assumptions. But in the interest of keeping track of how these experiences evolve, here is the snippet of my freakout that made it into text (the rest was spoken aloud with varying degrees of tears and anger). (Clarifying note: I have never smoked weed. Ever. This is an important-ish detail to remember.)

To be clear: I realize that I am partly to blame for this situation. First and foremost, because I literally told you and M that I was fine with it if you two played together. Also because I guess it had been a while since you and I had revisited our expectations for the *first* time either of us fucked someone else. I know we've played around with other people, and we came damn close with A, but we never actually had crossed that line, and at the time I know you and I had discussed how we'd be more comfortable for first interactions happening with both of us present. I realize that I broke from that intention with O. And I realize that there was virtually no way to have it happen quite that way with M, because I can't think of her in that way. I just *assumed* that you would check in with me, the way I had checked in with you about O at first, because it was a first and it was crossing a boundary. And assumptions are a bad idea. I also assumed that I could indeed be fine with it -- I'm not -- but separate from my feelings regarding you and me and our sexual relationship at the moment, it feels more like when you smoked weed. I *thought* I could be okay with it. But I couldn't partake as well, because I was pregnant (and also because of my eternal weirdness surrounding weed), and then I felt like SHIT about it. That's kinda how I feel now. I theoretically was fine with the idea of it, but it happened in a way that I didn't expect, and I have nothing similar on my end to compensate. It feels unequal, imbalanced, and unfair to me. It also really, REALLY sucks that this is yet another thing that you've gone off and done without me/before me. You played with people at parties WAY more than I ever did. You smoked weed when I couldn't. And now you've gone and fucked someone else without bothering to check in and make sure I was really okay with it given the context of us not fucking living with each other at the moment and us just having had this big fight. I honestly am struggling to believe that a part of your brain didn't say, Hey J, you should probably check in with H. Because even when I was drunk as fuck, that's what my brain said, even though I had previously had your (tentative?) permission to join O in a threesome? It makes me feel angry, and sad, and left out. Pile on top of it the fact that it has been weeks (a month?) since you and I even made an attempt at sensual touch and all the fucking baggage surrounding my body that we dug up again tonight, and I pretty much just want to scream and break shit right now. As I recall our conversation regarding the thing with M, I brought it up, and said, “That would be fine,” but I don't recall being like, "Don't tell me about it." Which I realize is different than saying, "I want you to check in with me first," but there again is the thing I assumed that I clearly shouldn't have. I'm having a VERY hard time dealing with the fact that the FIRST CHANCE YOU GOT, during a week where I feel like I am fucking *suffering* through a generally angry and overtired three-year-old, and I would think you would recognize that fact, you would just jump at the chance to fuck someone else.

I am less angry now than when I wrote that, but I’m still sad. And tired. And disappointed that I have neither a boyfriend/girlfriend, nor am willing to go hook up with someone just for fun, in order to give myself a dose of similar fun. My attempts at nonmonogamy are pretty much the worst so far.

[timurse]

Xbox One - 8/10

Просто посмотрите это видео и все.

[i-once-had-a-guy-tell-me]

I once had a guy tell me he hated that we were practicing poly relationships, so I went monogamous for him in May. By August, he proposed to me, but in September I found out he'd been posting and responding to dates on Craigslist the whole time. When I confronted him and asked him to stop, he did. I began to trust him, and we got married. Four months after the wedding, I discovered he was still on Craigslist. Monogamy was apparently only for me, not him. Single again!

(submitted by anonymous)