#ponderi

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Couples

I hate it.

In the past few weeks more and more couples have emerged from the people here at my house. One other came today.

And this one breaks my heart a little.

S found someone. And it’s not me.

She met someone at a party she was at two weeks or so ago and he goes to the same university as we do. I know him because he has the same courses I do and I have seen him sometimes at uni.

Now they are together and a couple.

I am happy for them, escpecially for S because she told me that she never had a serious relationship.

I also hate them. Not because I like S so much; it is just friendship or at least I think so. I hate them because I want the same thing they have.

I want someone that I can go to after a long day and just relax with. Someone that I can talk to about anything and everything, that listens to the things I say but also says something back.

Someone I feel connected to and I feel comfortable with.

Someone like P.

I met her today as well. It is Thursday so party in the house and I was hanging out with her for a while. She is very positive towards me and talks with me and stuff. But I don’t know where I am at with her.

I don’t know if she even likes women let alone me. I know that I should just wait for a sign from her. But all I want to do when I see her is go to her and kiss her.

And that’s something that I can’t just do - right?

[proudtobemesworld-blog]

Pretending

I feel different.

I went to my parents today. They are moving out of their house into a flat because me and my sister are gone now. They don’t need this much space just for themselves. So I went there to sort out all my stuff that I didn’t take with me when I left.

I am still sobering out from the last three days. I got out of bed and onto the train though so I am proud of myself.

I went to the hairdressers as well here. I want to change my appearence and my style and I began today by changing my hairstyle. And I love it. Very much so. But I don’t know if my parents love it as well.

When I told them that I want to change my style and that I want to get another piercing soon they looked at me stunned and didn’t seem exited about it at all. They rather seemed a bit disgusted.

But I don’t care. I live my own life now for the first time and I feel the need to change. I already have. But they don’t know that and they don’t understand.

I somehow feel like I have to be somebody else when I’m around my parents. They don’t know that I am bisexual and I will probably not tell them for a long time. That’s why I have to watch out what I am saying when I am around them and who and what I am talking about when they are listening.

I feel like putting up my mask again. And that feeling sucks. Especially in front of my parents.