seen from Australia
seen from Germany
seen from Singapore
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
seen from Germany
seen from Russia
seen from Uzbekistan
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Italy
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seen from Malaysia
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seen from Germany
Today and yesterday have been high anxiety days for me but its been a vague anxiety instead of focusing on anything which I suppose is both an improvement (its easier to divert my attention) and not (i dont know what the trigger is or how to resolve it althoug i do think its currently hormonal in orgin).
In any case removing the one medication and changing how I take my medications seems to have helped alot.
I dont know what is worse....have a particular irrational fear takeover your brain or a vague sense of anxiety with no clear source.
My flavor of anxiety tonight is everyone hates me and im always causing others trouble.
Stupid ass brain
I am up at 4 am. Why? No idea. But since I woke up around 2ish I've had an anxiety attack, took a shower, continued to stress, and am now stressed tired and cold and wide awake.
So now im scrolling tumblr to distract my brain from the anxiety spiral it keeps taking and hoping I'll chill out long enough to sleep.
I have come to a conclusion in my ever going journey to figure out what makes my brain tick the way it does. My anxiety basically comes down to a lack of trust in myself. I do probably have some form of ADHD and my memory doesn't always engage or retain things my subconscious doesn't think is important. Which aids my anxiety because even though I do the same things every time im in a said situation I dont clearly remember doing it therefore I have doubt I did it. This can be anything from locking the door when I leave home to taking my meds.
Its fuxking annoying. And that was a typo not a censor but *shrugs* ill just leave it like that.
Today's mission is to clean my room and not hold onto things like old make up i never use or candles that are 2/3rds burned when I have five million candles. Some things are going in the trash and sine things will be good will (maybe some of those candles).
I come from a long line of "it might be useful one day" thinkers. I also try to not waste things but things go bad or are useless to me and I need to learn to trash/give up these things.
Watching a YouTube video about Juana I of Castillw while I clean. I wonder if anyone's thought to do an alt history of what it would be like if she wasnt abused by the men in her life?
Ive gotten stuck in the everyone barely tolerates me cycle. It begins with me being me and thinking that no one has a good reason to like me and is instead too nice to tell me to fuck off. Not constantly but I do have these moments.
Someone who usually responds to text doesn't respond or an online friend doesnt talk to me for a period of time. Logic side of brain says they could be busy or saw the text but got distracted and as such forgot. Anxiety brain says they are offended by something I did or finally just can't tolerate me anymore. Logic brain then goes why dont you ask them.
Anxiety brain says that would be making it about me and I should read the room ans leave them alone.
(As a side note getting this particular symptom of anxiety after a year of constantly thinking I fucked something up is kind of refreshing. Still hate it though.)
Whenever I get a therapist to work with me on controlling my anxiety this is something I should talk about. Because I get this way when im having a conversation with a stranger and thry dont react in a preimagined way.
Social anxiety is just annoying.
Side note: I have jokingly given my Anxiety the image of Pope Steven as he literally dug up a dead pope to excommunicate him . So all my anxiety ramblings will be tagged Pope steven post
