#porch talks

[morbidromantic]

i found out yesterday the novak line is supposed to be descended from ishmael and that’s the line of vessels cas is bound to and ever since i am head full many thoughts. this may be old news but it is new to me and i cannot stop thinking about it

[morbidromantic]

the marriage heaven arranged to breed their apocalypse vessels? that's the great love story... that's what you're going with here?? ok

[morbidromantic]

sorry actually no i’m not done. the thing is dean craves attachment and intimacy. he’s aware of wanting it. he hates how much he wants it. how bad he feels without it, and how selfish he feels for needing it to begin with. he tries to fill the void with hook ups. it helps, sometimes, but it doesn’t work. he reaches out and gets burned and retreats. he reaches out and gets scared they’ll leave and closes off emotionally or runs away. does whatever he thinks will ultimately keep them around longer bc he is terrified of being left. but he does!! reach out!! critically, dean reaches out emotionally to people he loves all the time. not always well, not always effectively, and usually not with much finesse. but he does

if he was truly avoidant he wouldn’t be as aware of how much he wants people around him as he is. but he knows. he hates that part of himself. desperate, sloopy, needy dean

[morbidromantic]

the feminine urge to burn all the chanukah merchandise that says "peace"

[morbidromantic]

if you're going to do a prequel instead of a continuation cas and the angels are right there! like, the implications of this exchange alone

literally pick a time in history, and pick an established angel character and you've got your episode!! pick a torah story to put cas and anna in!!! what was the last straw for her before she chose to fall? what was cas' first rebellion? who was uriel before, what was he like? the archangels in general...SO many interesting possibilities and yet

[morbidromantic]

cas should've healed dean at least once by gently cupping his cheek, lingering there several beats too long, and then kissing his hand. dean would've stared after him SO awed and touched and overwhelmed. mezuzahkissnatural. we deserved to see it.

[morbidromantic]

sometimes fic that is longer is worse

[morbidromantic]

this also ties into why some people misunderstand the dean and john dynamic imo. like, dean has attachment issues because of john. his disorganized, anxious attachment is because of john. because of that, he is never going to stop looking to john for support he has never gotten from him with any consistency. that’s what that attachment style means.

who knows how he would’ve fared long term if mary never died and he was raised by both of them, but from the glimpses we get of dean as a child with mary he had secure attachment with her. she was loving and attentive to his needs. she didn’t scold him for reaching out. she made him food instead of leaving him to steal bread. dean likely would’ve grown up to have a decently stable and secure attachment style with her as his primary caregiver.

but, john. john leaves dean without basic needs met. he responds infrequently to dean. dean cannot count on his father to be there. he can’t trust him to take care of him, and thus learns he can’t trust anyone else either. but because john responds sometimes--and because john is dean’s only caregiver and children instinctively reach out for care and support from their guardians--dean keeps trying. he keeps reaching out to john hoping this time he will give dean what he needs. attention, basic safety, physical comfort (as a child) etc. and sometimes john did. so dean was never going to stop trying. he was never going to want to see john hurt. he loved his dad and just wanted john to love him back. though i think deep down he knew john was never going to be capable of that, and of course blamed literally anyone else for that failure except john. but mostly he blamed himself.