Fear: A Long Vent
Long ramble/vent about stuff I'm afraid of... and how I need to fix a lot of them under the cut.
Alright. I'll just cut right to the chase: I'm afraid of a lot of things. Almost everyone is, even if they say they aren't. Fear is natural and usually stems from something. What I only just recently realized is that the things I'm afraid of directly contradict other aspects of myself.
I'm afraid of pain, yet I scratch and claw at myself without a second thought while finding relief in it most times. I'm afraid of losing control of myself, yet I drink and wish I had edibles. I'm afraid of messing something up, yet I yearn for new hobbies to do. I'm afraid of love, but I chase it like a dog chasing a car. I'm afraid of commitment, but I say and do things that lock me in place or bind me to an agreement. I'm afraid of being fully diabetic, yet I do the bare minimum to keep my body's health teetering just on a fishing line. I'm afraid of being labeled as lazy, yet I strive to find the path of least resistance. I'm afraid of my body deteriorating to the point of immobility, but I can hardly even convince myself to leave my bed for work. I'm afraid of losing people close to me, but I can hardly even make an effort to interact with them. I'm afraid of becoming detached emotionally, but I bottle up and cut off how I feel like it'd be a crime to show it. I'm afraid of being stuck at my current job, but I refuse to learn any new skills. I'm afraid of having no time for myself, yet I lay there and do nothing productive until the things I have to do come to pass.
I'm afraid of letting my fears dictate my life, but I just... let them.
But I want to change. I want to do all the things I've always wanted to do. Get a good job, stream for fun, draw, RP, be with friends- I want these things. But I have to change. And I'm so, so scared to change. What if I become worse? I don't want that. What if I lose friends I care about? I don't want that. What if I grow stale creatively and get flamed for it? I don't want that.
So I'm stuck. Even with hands that I know would make things a thousand times easier, I feel stuck and helpless. I have the power to change and fix these things...
I think I just... need to use that power somehow instead of self-loathing so so much.
