#post mjm

[m-mic-micah]

May I die before I spend twenty years not loving someone like I loved you again, aching still then for you

May this book not be a prophecy

May I ever be actively grateful for my privilege

May I never forget the humility in my roots and in the roots of my privileges’ pioneers

Rest In Peace, you revolutionary communist

[m-mic-micah]

This is ridiculous. I mean, I am. I don’t quite know how to change thought patterns. I suppose time is the only cure? Time and non-judgement to myself or to others? It’s hard to dissociate emotions from events entirely. I’m still hurt, frustrated, anxious. I understand—I can see the situations from multiple perspectives—it just sucks. The situations hurt. I need to figure out how to remove myself. I’m unhappy. Maybe I should be more explicit to my ex that I am still not doing well over our breakup? I don’t think that’s the answer though. I think I need more friends. I think I need to move past them and spend the next several months bettering myself before I start seeing them again. But I’m not sure that’s the answer either. I don’t know. I’m getting a lot of criticism and flak from a lot of people over my decisions, my being trans, my poor grades this semester, my poor functionality in jobs. I’m tired of everything.

Just take things day by day, moment by moment. That’s the only answer I’ve got.

[m-mic-micah]

I found out that they’re falling in love with someone else, and it both reminds me why we broke up in the first place and absolutely tears me apart. I’m fully broken. I never accepted the fact that we’d likely never get back together, but it’s hitting now. It hit. Like a truck, and I can’t get out of bed. It’s funny how much I was deluding myself, dragging it on, hoping one day I’d win them over again. But that just isn’t how it works. They’re done, they’ve moved on, they’re past me. And I know I’ll be okay—I know I don’t need them to feel full. It just hurts, and it’s hard to eat or move.

[m-mic-micah]

Everyone is stupid

Ever since discovering how complex gender theory is I’ve just gotten more depressed I can’t do anything good for this world

Do I miss them? Idk. Probably. Maybe not. It’s not active anymore; it’s just an emptiness

[m-mic-micah]

I changed my url hoping they don’t find it bc I want this space and I don’t want to hurt them

I don’t know what the fuck to do with what they posted so I’m not gonna do anything

I just started feeling better and it’s still a come and go process. Some days I feel great and other days I feel lost and empty. But I refuse to cave to love and desire for another person when I’m finally beginning to realize the possibility of fully loving myself.

There’s a lot going on in life and I’m gonna be late to work today and I have an exam later and I just all around WHEW but at least testosterone is a week away and I can feel myself getting better and I’m trying hard to sober up (even tho I’ve failed a few days now)

I want to be full on my own!!!!

[m-mic-micah]

On account of their possibly beginning to check my tumblr again, I’m going to take another hiatus. This isn’t good for me, of course, and it’s not good for them especially, if they can read my self-pitying, often drunk monologues. I don’t want us on bad terms—something this website jeopardizes.

I hope y’all take care. Lots of love

[m-mic-micah]

They wrote on their tumblr that I’m a hypocrite

I can see how someone would think I’m full of shit

But a hypocrite?

That one’s got me stumped. What’s going through their head?

[m-mic-micah]

I wish I knew whether they were reading this or not bc then I’d change my URL. I don’t want to torture them. I really don’t. But I like my url so if I don’t have to??

Yesterday Jo our supervisor told me to let go of the idea of getting back together. I’ve never cried in front of her before then. It’s so real now. It’s so real that I will probably never get to love mjm again.

But I can’t dwell, is what they tell me. Find new passions to redirect your anger and emotion, as they have. (God, they’re so cool, it’s annoying) Grow. Take the opportunity to improve yourself. You’re still not sober, so it’s time to pick yourself up.

It’s still hard to believe.

None of it seems real.

But this is what it is. 5 month’s out. I’ve got to let go. Jesus, I’ve got to let go.