#post-shmu

[highwirebird]

you are a universe and i am

that’s what I left it as. “I am?” he asks.

“I didn’t know what to finish it with”

I lied. There’s nothing after the ‘am’ because that’s what I felt like next to you.

[highwirebird]

I know that I am legit over him when I stopped checking his star sign whenever horoscopes come up on my dash

[highwirebird]

When you find out that you finish exams in the first week of exam period 💁💁💁

[highwirebird]

I can't believe I've made it this far without you, and your without me. I guess everything I needed really has been inside me all this time. Do I cross your mind as often as you cross mine?

[highwirebird]

Jesus Christ this awkward little charade of flirting-getting drinks-getting laid is really weird and feels clunky after my blissful 10 months of fuss free sex

[highwirebird]

So like you know when you do something and you discover a problem you did not anticipate and did not think you would anticipate?

[highwirebird]

honestly the shit I have to do to get laid now

[highwirebird]

ughhhh I hate feelings and I hate break ups and it’s been days and days and days (almost 21 of them) and I still get sad about him and I still think about him and I still miss him and wonder if he thinks about me 

I’m allowed to be sad about him. We were together for just 10 short months, but in those months we talked about getting married, having children, travelling, working out all the ways where we could be in each others’ lives and fulfil our dreams. I truly believed he was the love of my life and I still think he is (at least one of) my soulmate(s).

Of course I will still think about him. He was a beautiful person and I am blessed to have known him at all, let alone to have known him as intimately as I did. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He said that there were only two things in the world; me and everything else. He said all that and he meant all of it.

Naturally I will miss him. I spent a lot of time with him. All our free time was spent together. We took trips together and devoted every moment to each other. I miss being with him, messaging him about random bits of my day (that I currently tell no one... which is FINE), watching movies with him, petting his cats, staring into his eyes and all of that other cutesy lovey dovey shit people do when they’re in love.

Of course he still thinks about me. There’s no way he wouldn’t. But why should it matter?

I’m doing fine. I am getting through most of my days without crying, I don’t cry from the sheer weight of loneliness, I don’t lie in bed feeling terrible, I got my appetite back, I sleep well, I am spending lots of time with my wonderful friends

and yet. And yet. He’s missing. I’m slowly being ok with it. 

“We humans came this far from thriving on impossible situations.”