#posts to myself

[onlyhams]

may you be released from the prison of self-judgment my sweet

[clairesweirdstuff]

So I was doing that thing where I question where my interest comes from to try to make sure I can't just have fun and try things. Because lately I've been on a pink kick and it's like "okay, is this me somehow stealing this color that I don't deserve? Like didn't I like green? Where is pink coming from?"

Now, mind you, you don't need any sort of complex justification to try out a new color, but this is just how fucked my self esteem or whatever is. My brain doesn't want to let me enjoy things.

But anyway, what happened is, I remembered when I was little, I was maybe 5, and my favorite color was hot pink. I had hot pink shorts and hot pink everything that I could find, but as a boy you can imagine my options were pretty limited. And of course, as the world tends to do, that was mostly metaphorically beaten out of me by peer pressure, so I moved on to red, cherry red, candy apple red, like a sports car. That lasted for awhile, until I tried purple. In maybe 7th? grade someone saw part of my purple underwear and that ended up being a very unfortunate experience. So I opted for a cerulean blue for awhile, and then eventually green. But by this point, it feels like I had settled on the drab dark colors of safety for a "boy" in the 90s. And that shaped me for a long time, basically until now, nearly 30 years of darkness because I learned that it wasn't okay to just enjoy bright things. And even now, I can't even just enjoy a color without worrying that it comes from a bad place.

So anyway, if you're dealing with something similar, you're not alone. It's okay to enjoy things.

[therealdrownersclub]

Falling into various rabbit holes right now, and it's not looking good for the mentals of my healthinessness tbh...🌝 yyaaayyy...

....this much madness is too much sorrow!

update: reporting from the future, it's even worse now, believe me!

[enbyriot]

you aren’t a failure actually you’re just 22 and trying to figure out how to be a child in an adult’s body while also maintaining a socially acceptable image of maturity

[booksaremadeofawesome]

i've been considering for a couple of months to start my little tbr game again (i think i abandoned it in 2021) but i kinda am toying around with the idea of posting about it somewhere just to have a fun record of what i'm doing

haven't decided how i'd go about it yet tho and it's hard for me to think because so much of the content i consume is through video form but i wouldn't want to do that myself, plus i kinda want written content to "come back" into my life again

[iron-valkkin]

becoming cynical and fatalistic again? time to log off and go affect the world around you, in meaningful ways.

[keeppitfreshh]

Don’t let it break you. Let it heal you. Cry. Scream. Hate. Hate all you fucking want. Hate until the hate fades into nothing and finally you’re heart is whole again. Build yourself. Grow. Love yourself. You have got this.