Hope you enjoy the read. One-shot. Sometime in the late three to four season time slot. Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. Any references similar to canon are not mine. Beckett sat at her desk at the twelfth precinct and took a break from looking at her computer screen to take a swig of her coffee. Of course, only after reaching for, and attempting to take a drink, did she realize the cup had already been emptied from her last sip. And though it wasn't a big deal by any means, today it was enough to put a crack in her wall. Her and her empty mug of coffee might as well have been a child and a glass of spilt milk. People always use the phrase "Don't cry over a glass of spilt milk" and that was basically what she had started doing. Her mood today coupled nicely with how the weather behaved. She was sad and sulky and the weather was dark and rainy. So, realizing she couldn't do any more work without a refilled cup of coffee, she rose from her chair to head off for the break room. Only when she glanced at her desk, simultaneously snatching her empty mug, did she see them. The elephants. Lined up all happily, the perfect little family. The baby elephant seeming to walk in its parents' footsteps. Beckett took a breath in and let it out slowly before directing herself back to the task at hand. Returning from the break room, fresh coffee in hand, she reached her desk. Beckett sat down and took a sip of her coffee, but something was missing. She remembered Castle putting some vanilla creamer in one of her desk drawers as he had sworn to her it was the best, and even better was that it didn't need to be refrigerated. She also distinctly remembered telling Castle that he could keep the creamer in her desk but out of her coffee. He had annoyed her earlier that day so she had been a little snippy with him for the remainder of it. However, since Castle wasn't around to tease her about using what she distinctly told him she would never use, she went into her desk drawer to grab the creamer and pour some in her mug. After adding some creamer to her coffee, Beckett reopened the drawer to place the creamer back where she had found it. Whilst doing so, she noticed the stick and twine figure she and her father had made together on the day of her mother's funeral. Just like that she was taken back to that day all those years ago. She had been, as sad as it sounds, getting used to her mother being gone. After twelve years having passed, it's hard not to create your own new normal. But as Beckett's learned through personal experience and from her profession as being a homicide detective, she's learned that along with the new normal, comes the ups and downs. The days when everything is great and you can go through the day without remembering to feel sad, and then the days where you feel like it's happening all over again. Having gone through both sets of emotions many times over the years has made her believe her words when she tries to comfort the family of a victim. She's been asked about someday waking up and not being sad anymore. Instead of answering blatantly, she gives the advice she's had to learn. She divulges that it doesn't really get easier, you just become stronger. And though she leaves this part out, she also knows that though most days you continue being strong, some days are harder than the last. There is no point where you stop having the occasional off day, and today, January 9th, was always designated as an off day. So, despite having learned, twelve years ago, that even on the worst of days there's a possibility for joy, she couldn't help but give herself a little time to grieve, even if only during her lunch break. Noticing that most of the other detectives had made themselves scarce and were either out working a lead or out to grab a bite to eat in the bitter cold of January, Beckett hunkered down in the alcove of the precinct stairs to be alone. He wasn't supposed to be at the precinct at all today. Beckett had told him it was really just a paperwork day, the whole excuse of, no case no Castle. That's how it's been lately and they both are fine with it. Their unspoken agreement gives Castle time to write the chapters he's behind on and for Beckett to rearrange all the things on her desk that he's moved (and to finish her paperwork from a case they recently solved). Castle knows it may be weird that he shows up, but he also knows what day today is. January 9th. He could be completely wrong about Beckett and she might be doing fine today, but just in case she's not, Castle went to the precinct to be her partner. The elevator reaches the twelfth floor and signifies with a ding that he's reached the correct destination. He steps off the elevator and strides towards Beckett's desk. When he gets there he finds her now lukewarm cup of coffee, one of her desk drawers open a crack, but no detective. He knows she won't be in the break room since her coffee isn't cool yet and he has a couple ideas of where she could be, he just hopes it's not in the archive room accompanied with boxes of unsolved cases. Slightly relieved that he finds her in the stairwell and not in a darkly lit room with her mom's case looming over her, he walks closer to her so she knows he's there. With a slight cough to clear his throat he asks, "Hey Beckett, how've you been?" She doesn't look up to make eye contact with him but she talks with a quiet but strong voice. "I'm fine castle." Castle takes a step more into the stairwell so that the door closes and their voices won't carry out into the precinct. "Kate, come on. You're alone in the precinct's 'secret' stairwell where the few cops who still smoke go for their break during the winter months because there aren't any cameras. Which is really questionable as to why a precinct doesn't have cameras in every stairwell, but that's beside the point." She audibly scoffs and mutters, "So what's the point then Castle?" Castle takes a more serious tone and expresses to Beckett, "The point is that, you, are not fine." She's kind of taken aback by the straightforwardness of Castle's answer, though it does break down some of her seemingly solid exterior. When Beckett replies, she tries to joke back with a response but it falls short, her heart not in it. "And here I thought I was the detective, not you." Beckett swipes a tear away from her cheek as she and Castle both pretend she didn't. Noticing that Beckett is struggling to keep it together and that she would rather not cry in front of him, he tries to lighten the mood as best he can. "Well you've heard the quip, even a broken clock is right twice a day." Going along with him Beckett cajoles, "So, guess you won't say anything right for the next twelve hours then." Castle places his right hand over his heart like he's in shock while announcing, "Ye hath little faith, detective." Beckett nods her head once and turns away to face the neutral beige color of the stairwell wall, unsure of what to say next. She had come here to have a bit of peace and quiet, although today, the only thing she figured she would end up with was quiet. Now it seems the universe may not even award her that. She doesn't say anything else, thinking that Castle may just go away, and instead starts thinking inwardly. They've become pretty good friends over his years shadowing her but they've always just been fair weather friends. There for each other in times when their proximity to each other were necessary. So naturally, whenever there was a case, or whenever he barged into the precinct. But lately it's like something shifted. It wasn't an overnight change but she's only recently begun to notice it. Nothing between them and their 'together' has changed, they're still only friends, work partners. But she knew something was different when Maddie and Castle had that dinner together. When she felt that jealous green monster swarm inside her. How even while she was being aloof towards Castle, she had knew what she was doing but she couldn't stop it. She picked small arguments with him because she was jealous, but then they went to dinner as 'friends' and nothing ever came of it. And now, weeks after that late night Remy's run, complete with the mandatory shakes to accompany their burgers, they reside in the same space with each other and it even feels different. The mood's different. Castle's still the same and it starts to hit her that maybe she's changed. Having been zoned out to her own monologue continuing on loop in her head, she figured Castle finally just decided to leave, exiting as quietly as he had arrived. But no, he's still there. She thinks of course, too good to be true. She doesn't think she wants to talk, that she just wants to wallow here for a minute… or twenty, then go back to work and back to compartmentalizing everything. From the corner of her vision she sees Castle taking a step down the stairs so he can sit on the opposite side of the same step as her. Not talking or expecting her to talk either. He's just waiting. Waiting for her. Waiting for his friend to return. Waiting for his partner to recede back to her desk and continue working. He's leaning up against the railing to the stairwell, and he's just content. He doesn't look annoyed or bored. She starts to relax a little, forgetting for a moment that he's there at all. She takes in a big and shaky breath and without her permission it leaves her body in a quiet but audible gasp. Her body feels like it can't retrieve adequate amounts of air, so it keeps going back for more. And as it happens, some air gets caught a few times as her lungs deplete of oxygen and her brain tells her to breathe back in. The sound mimics that of someone with racking sobs, but not nearly as dramatic in volume. Just fucking great she thinks, she's chosen just the best place to have let her wall down even if it is only for a minute... in a freaking stairwell that echoes from the quietest squeaks the hinges of the push pull doors create when they're opened and closed. She regains her composure and wipes the tears away from under her eyes, knowing that her makeup is most likely ruined. Castle clears his throat quietly and then breaks the silence, speaking just above a whisper. "I can leave you be if you want, I've just learned that sometimes, even if the other person has no real idea of what you're feeling...sometimes... It's nice to have another person be there for you." This time when she exhales it's calm and relaxing. "How'd you know I'd need you today... I mean... Need someone like that today." She almost expects him to call her out on her mistake. That she said she needed him. But he doesn't and below the surface she knew he wouldn't. Instead he throws out a small joke about himself and continues talking. "Call it writer's intuition... But honestly, Beckett, were partners, I know you well enough to just know. Even if you'd rather I was oblivious to it." Neither of them know what to say so they don't say anything. In the bit of silence, Beckett clasps her hands on her lap in front her and orientates so she's facing castle more, suddenly needing to speak. "You know Castle, it just hit me. Not in the, I didn't realize what day it was, because that'd be a lie. Never has her anniversary gone by and I'd not remembered." Castle looks a bit uncertain and has to prod her to explain, so he can understand without being able to understand. "Um, what hit you exactly?" She unclamps her hands and moves her right hand up to rest with her thumb holding her chin and her index finger lightly resting over her upper lip. Before she starts to speak, she diverts her gaze to somewhere above them. Not looking at anything really, she just knows if she looks at him there's a possibility she won't be able to say anything at all. "She was murdered when I was nineteen Castle. Twelve years ago. And what hit me wasn't how young I was or the time that's passed since. I just, I realized that in no time at all, the year will come when I've lived more of my life without her than I have with her and that..." She has to recollect herself, voicing that truth out loud was as bad if not worse than when the thought first occurred to her, while she was at her desk trying to fill out paperwork. "I mean, I'm used to the times where I forget to remember. Those times when there's no rhyme or reason why, but I'm kind of hit with the loss of her all over again. It's never been as bad as the day I found out she was gone but still." She almost got everything out, but then she looked at him. The way he listened to her and how his face seemed to somehow reflect even an ounce of the same pain she felt, like he felt it too, was too much. She had to wipe at her eyes to get rid of the tears and compose herself before she could speak again. Castle slid over from where he was sitting and wrapped his arm around her and Beckett welcomed the comfort. The extra support of Castle's touch of warmth was enough for her to find her words, shaky though they were. "I miss my mom Castle. All the little things I never had considered when I was younger. When she was here. Just knowing she was around and just drive or phone call away, I never thought about everything I could miss… It's been so long that I can't even really remember her voice or how she said my name. I still find myself picking up the phone to call her sometimes. It seems crazy that after that long I'd still try calling her, to tell her about my day or whatever it may be. And my dad knows… I dial to call her and before I know it the phones ringing and I remember. So my dad and I just talk about the weather or something else, anything that isn't somehow relatable to the real reason I called. Because I forgot… Forgot that no matter how many times I dial my childhood phone number that my mom will never be the one to answer. And my dad, I know it hurts him too. He can tell how bad I want and need to just talk to my mom some days and it kills him that I can't. Kills him and me a little too, because though I can't speak to my mom, he can't talk to his wife." Beckett sniffles and takes in a deep breath before continuing, "...I don't know, I guess even though I knew what day today was, it just caught me off guard." Castle gives her another hug and while her head is snuggled up under his chin he promises, "Beckett, wherever she is, she's so proud of you." Beckett swallows trying to rid herself of feeling her throat tighten from grief and manages a heartfelt "Thanks." While both he and Beckett start loosening from their hug he assures her, "If you need anything, name it. Another coffee, more of that creamer you said you'd never use but obviously do when I'm not around, or-" Becket smirks at that but cuts him off and tells him with certainty, "Just keep being there Castle. That's all I need." They catch each other's gaze as her words sink in, and Castle, smiling mostly with his eyes but also with his heart, says, "Always."
