#pre purge

[thethirdbear]

[administrativefunctions-blog]

“How do I look?"

Put "How do I look?" in my ask for my character's reaction to your muse appearing in a elegant dress or fancy tux

"You look … beautiful." Ada smiled and reached over, adjusting Quorra’s dress. There was a note of confusion when she added, "Is this for some ceremony?" It might’ve been an ISO ceremony, after all; Ada made no pretense of being an expert in those. 

[paradiseinperil]

pre binge post/mother trigger

god she wins again! she walks around all morning avoiding me like a freakin monster, because she knows im not a morning person and now she asked if i wanted to watch a movie weve been talking about thats on hbo soon. 

no mom i cant sit still for 2 whole hours next to someone who ignores me or my pain. i cant smoke around you because you hate it and i stink up the living room and you judge and criticize me when i pick at my nails because im nervous as fuck.

but of course i cant say any of that because she walks away or says im being dramatic. so now shes watching it all by her self and im always feeling like shit for it! what a luverly afternoon we could have, no, im about to binge my ass off to let out what i cant to her. she wants lies, i have no more energy to pretend. so now im a horrible daughter. again. as usual. wtfffffffffff! and of course just left to feel even worse because oh shes making an effort, oh shes trying. where the hell was she when i needed her the most? oh i remember, she was busy judging me or ignoring me. i shouldnt care this much, i should be able to move on but i cant shake this feeling... theres a toxic vileness stirring in there and ive got to let it out somehow...

spoiled milk from a mother indeed.

[paradiseinperil]

when help hurts

my mom has a stash of food in her closet, im sure there are others. she hides it because my brother is a food nazi and screams at her for keeping it even though she has diabetes. she also hides it from me because my appetite in binge mode is just unstoppable. she thinks shes helping but it only makes it worse. 

like im some 2 yr old or greedy animal that cant be trusted and needs to be shackled. i try to leave it alone but it just gives me more reason, like out of spite, fuck it all im gorging on it, just try and stop me bitch. 

of course making me feel worse and binge even harder.

[paradiseinperil]

my tooth hurts but my heart hurts more

so im back from all day of waiting for nothing. the xrays were down and couldnt do anything for me. waited 5 hours to be seen for 5 minutes! go america!

even more frustrating was being ignored the whole time by my mom.  she wanted to take me to lunch and i said i dont trust public food. so she offered to get fruit or something from the grocers and i said" itll just make me cold, i cant get what i really need anyway so i need not to need". "why are you trying to feed me? i work better on empty and it just weighs me down" she sits in silence with her slice of pizza. shes diabetic. 

i tell the doc my tooth has been hurting for weeks and she asks why i havent told her sooner. i said i dont exactly have the money to address it and she offers to pay. "health is more important than money" to which i reply "how would i know that? i cant have a proper bedroom because it would cost too much, i cant have privacy or a real room because of the cost and you sit there eating crap food making you sick because it costs less, ive been taught otherwise" 

her: "lets not have this conversation again"

right, lets talk about fashion magazines and garbage instead. one wing of the hospital had this "serenity and meditation" area which was all rock and a waterfall wall, it was silent, soothing, heaven. i waited there in the darkest corner while she went to the loo. it was the greatest 5 mins i can remember in a long time. saddened by the fact that id be returning to grand central station that is my house, i shed some tears and choked back some more. for sure she saw, she was sitting right next to me. she turned and pretended not to. and thats the freakin dance weve been doing for my whole life. dont want to see your daughter in pain? simple! close your eyes! ok fine then, maybe when i get back down to sickly enough shell notice. or not. 

i left with a nice parting gift though, a yellow hospital bracelet, i feel so special.

binging to purge now, i had too much to swallow today