#prism’sshadows

[starlights-prism]

wrote a series of haikus abt one of my longer-running problems w/ myself

Stars under my skin. They can’t burn me. They’re not real. I cannot complain.

…

But what if they are? Is my silence impressive? Am I strong inside?

…

I am not silent. I am not deserving of Praise for suffering.

…

I want to be praised. But do I suffer at all? Are there stars in me?

…

My stars are not real. But I think they are. And I Complain about them.

…

I cannot complain. I do not suffer. I can’t. My stars are not real.

[starlights-prism]

Man I’m such a needy attention seeker

I keep thinking that I WANT to have things wrong with me. Like I sometimes wish I didn’t see myself as a person because then people will pity me and try to make me sure of my own importance. But unfortunately I’m selfish and I actually care about myself. so lame

[starlights-prism]

I really, REALLY hate how I’m incapable of shutting up. Literally nothing that comes out of my mouth needs to be said. Why can’t I stop myself? Why don’t I care how it makes people around me feel?

I would sew up my mouth if I could. Even that might not stop me.

[starlights-prism]

I hate it when people say “caring too much” isn’t a character flaw. Do you have any idea how horrible it is to feel guilty for things out of your control? To hear about terrible things happening in the world and be so filled with anger and sadness that you start hating yourself for being so privileged?

“How is it fair that I grew up with so many blessings while others starved, suffered, died? I’m not worthy of this life!”

It seems every action I take supports one evil or another. Everyone online says so. “Stop using these companies’ products!” “This content creator is a manipulative, evil person and you’re bad for liking them!” “If you’re one of those Mormons, you are an IRREDEEMABLE HOMOPHOBE and EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVE IS TERRIBLE!”

I. JUST. WANT. TO. LIVE.

I was only ever taught to love everyone! Especially those different from myself! Nobody in my church ever said that the people who believe differently from us are bad. I was encouraged to show my love and support to people in the LGBTQIA+ community. But it feels like everyone hates me because of my beliefs. Which is so far from the truth, and it makes me feel HORRIBLE to say because I’m not a victim. I have never once suffered because of my beliefs, while much better people than I are dying because they’re different.

But it seems I can’t open this website without seeing posts criticizing everything I believe.

And it hurts.

Because I truly want to believe.

But I keep doubting myself. Can I really be a good person if so many people say members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are bad?

I want to care about what people have to say.

I want to listen.

But I have no idea what is actually true. No idea who’s right.

I don’t even know who I am.

Everything I say, I have no idea if I even mean it!

I don’t know anything.

Nothing makes sense.

I don’t want to deal with it.

I just want to rest.

[starlights-prism]

Just made a chair fall over. It broke. im such a waste of carbon

[starlights-prism]

Vent poem

I’m scared. Of war. Of famine. Of the slow death of the world. The broken skies are crying: Crying for the ones who perish At the hands of those with too much power. I cry with them.

I’m scared of life. Of pain. Of uncertainty. Of the hidden lies I might live. Do I really know who I am? What I want? Am I really trying my best? Am I even trying at all?

I’m scared of death. Can I really survive? Will the despair overwhelm me? What if I try to… …

I’m scared.

I’m not strong enough for this. Smart enough. Brave, faithful, good enough.

I’m not enough!

I’m Not Enough.

If I were, I wouldn’t be scared.

I would fix the shattered constellations  Tear down the crumbling walls  Heed the words of the one who made me, The one whose quiet voice calls Forever pleading for the world to hear. It’s saying, “I’m here.”

I can’t hear it.

I’m blinded by my own hubris, Deafened by my pride. I hear no voice But the one that whispers Somewhere deep inside My head.

I’m not enough.

An endless refrain, “I’m not enough!”

I can’t be like the heroes I know, From stories I’ve read Of long ago.

They suffered. Sacrificed. Endured. They gave everything to fix the world.

What have I given? What pain have I known?

I am not strong like the heroes. I have not sacrificed. I have not suffered.

I cannot have suffered.

So why do I hope for being seen as strong? Why wish for power when I have not earned it?

Why keep dreaming?

…

In my dreams, I’m not scared.

In my dreams, I am everything I want to be.

Everything I’m not.

Brave, Strong, Important.

In my dreams,

I’m enough.

I’m scared of waking up.