(Photo: 3 + 10 is a formula by Michele Borba, Ed.D. we are using to help Hank calm down when he gets overwhelmed and his big feelings grow out of control. These only a few of the reminders he has made himself and taped up all over our apartment. There is at least one in every room.)
Molly: MANO (BROTHER)!!!!!
Hank: (exiting the school gate, waving goodbye to his friends) MANA (SISTER)!!! Mama!
Hank: (giving his sister a kiss on the crown of her head, giving me a hug)
Molly: ( strapped into the stroller, taking her brother’s hand and putting it lovingly to her cheek) A minha mano. (my brother)
Me: (melting over the obscene sweetness of the gesture)
Hank: Awe. I love you, too.
Hank: Good. I ran everywhere and I am tired.
Hank: I am sorry about yesterday.
Me: Thank you for saying so, but why are you sorry?
Hank: I was rude and I was a jerk.
Me: Is it safe to say that you were being completely unreasonable?
Hank: Like not getting me to listen to you and not calming down, is that unreasonable?
Hank: Yes I was and I am so sorry. You were right. It was only a few minutes to stay up and kiss my Avó Dalia (grandmother) when she got home from the station. I just was too… tooo… too much of everything.
Me: What kind of everything?
Hank: Angry, sad, tired, mad, nervous, everything.
Me: Hank, when you feel you feel big. That is why we are learning tricks and techniques you can utilize to calm down. With that said, there are times when you just want to win even though you are wrong and especially when I, ME, YOUR MOTHER tells you you will not be getting your way. Let me get one thing strait, young man: you will never win in a war against me. We can choose to disagree, but you will respect me.
Me: When you debate your point calmly and rationally I will listen. I am always willing to be proven wrong. I accept that you too are my teacher and a part of my team, but when you are wrong I will tell you and when you are irrationally defiant I WILL WIN that war at all costs because I am your mother and I am in control. I give you the control of many things, but you aren’t yet mature enough to have the power of full control of your life so when I enter your bedroom a mere 30 seconds after you have turned off the light, before you are even close to asleep and ask you to stay awake for 15 minutes more in order to give your Avó Dalia (grandmother), who has surprised us with the gift of a visit, a hug and a kiss you will honor her and you will respect me. I mean when have you ever wanted to go to bed on time in your life?!
Hank: I don’t even understand it, mama. I don’t understand why I was so mad but I was so mad and I am sorry. I am not angry anymore, but I was so so angry. Can we just start completely over?
Me: That is a great idea, but forgiveness isn’t forgetting, it is letting go of the anger. I am glad you and I have let go of the anger that fueled our war last night.
Hank: (alternating between kicking buckeyes and selecting the best, shiniest ones for Molly to throw back into the road) And I am grounded.
Me: You are grounded to the house, not your room and you have lost all electronics access for a month.
Hank: (eyes wide) A whole month so like until November?
Me: More like until November 12th. A full month.
Me: I am dead serious. You may read as many books as you would like. You can play board games and card games. You may read the newspaper and if your behavior is exemplary you can earn days off of your punishment and get your privileges returned sooner than a full month, but I am also happy to add more days if you want to rage and let the world burn.
Me: (noticing) Forgiveness isn’t forgetting. I forgive you, but I need you to understand how out of control, rude and disrespectful you were to me for making a reasonable request of you. I welcome you speaking with your papa or Prima (cousin) Monica about our fight and how unfair you think your punishment is, about why you think we had a fight and why you said the things that you said.
Hank: (arms folded around his waist, pouting, annoyed) I’m soooooorrrrrry.
Me: Thank you and I completely forgive you, Hank, but you have to break this habit and break it not for me, but for yourself. You cannot live your best life with this behavior. You cannot let your amazing, wonderful, exceptional big feelings turn against you when you are angry or annoyed or in full trombas (pouting) mode. You need to find a balance with your big feelings and you can use this month to address this need. You said it yourself, you’re very productive when you lose your technology privileges.
Hank: (handing Molly a bunch of buckeyes, determined) Mama, I need to do my 3+10 now. I am feeling angry and I need to calm down. I need some space when we walk.
Me: Perfectly all right with me.
Hank: (walking off, slightly ahead, taking three long slow deep breaths then counting to ten and repeating this technique all the way home)
Molly: (giggling, throwing buckeyes after her favorite person)
