I don't want to be weird bc we don't know each other, but I'm glad that kind people helped you home. Knowing nothing about you except you are human I know you deserve kindness and help from people around you. I have similar experiences with kind strangers. I have often felt humiliated after a fall in public. I fall a lot, poor balance and issues with my right leg. I will usually cry and go nonverbal for a while before I can get up, which of course attracts attention and makes it all last longer and feel worse. I'm badly burnt out . I don't know how to carry on, my health problems and neurological problems have me in a state where I have no chance of passing the comprehensive exam for my masters, I already failed it twice. so no graduate degree will be earned. I had a meltdown in a zoom meeting earlier and I want to run and never show my face again 🙃
Oh damn, I am really sorry ☹️ It sucks so bad... I feel you.... health never gave me a chance, in an amplifying loop with people being nasty because I constantly fail, mocking me because of me suffering... increasing the difficulty, decreasing the already scarce power and hope left... and now... all that produced was making me unable to live, unable to have any career, unable to do the barest minimum... and I am blamed for being the result of collective constant abuse and dissmissive 'health professionals'... who all seemed to consist of severe and chronic desinterest.
I wish you had a better situation!
I never wanted to be 'beaten up', and treated even worse because of that.... you get pushed out because you are deemed as 'ugly', unfunctional, bad, dumb, lazy... you get pushed out and emotionally abused because you got emotionally abused... what is wrong with this world??? Why...
If there might be anything I could do to ease at least the emotional pain of your suffering, please let me know!
I wish I could do more, I wish I could be a better support. (I feel guilty for complaining. I feel guilty for always bringing my own shit up and spreading my negativity.. . I just can't take all the pressure anymore.) The maximization of suffering and minimization of things worth the suffering for is so so sooo sad.... too much problems to live, but too few to die. I hate this greyzone, this entangled superposition... If it would finally decide which way, the futile and unneccessary suffering would not be perpetuated. But... it is like being on the verge of non-existence - like you never woke up from death, like, you are living in a nightmare from which you can't wake up... like you are a body bag - some sort of zombie, sure the body somewhat exists, 'survives', but the inside is already dead.
I am sorry. The pain is just unbearable and no options to cope are working. It has exceeded my pain level for too long. My stamina is exhausted.... plus i don't see an end, nor the possibility of ever being able to handle it and being able to make the situation better...
It is as if you change a parameter in the equation and therefore the entire equation adapts, changes to maintain your suffering.
How can you change the fundamental behavior of that equation?... The only thing one could do is change the medium the equation is embedded in... which in this case is a combination of mindset, cognitive processing patterns, awareness-degree-distributions and... this shit is so complex. Like the only solution to my problems lies in a thing the problem tries to sabotage...
My mind is working on that problem since I have it (which is, well since i remember I can think...),but it is so hard... as there is no single help, moreover it is filled with more and more obstacles. No sufficient resources, no possibility to elaborate with people specializing in that issue...
In the last weeks I came to understand such important patterns in cognitive processing, its parameters, how they are related, how all of that seems to work... which all seems to be able to explain all sorts of issues regarding neurodivergence and further health problems.... and furthermore neurodivergence is an adaption to primarily non-linear cognitive processing... and the rat tail of problems this causes is often just an issue of failed integration of the surroundings... linear thinkers rule the world and deem everything deviating from their far too simplified view as awful. This mindset seems more like primitive narrow-mindedness to me.
I don't know how I ended in that topic.
Why is this so tricky? And so sad? And I don't know, my only anchor is my mind right now, as it seems the only one able -or even interested- in helping me and also other people with similar issues - seems to be myself...
'Do it yourself or die' - just in literal.
I send you lots of strength to manage the obstacles! 🧡
In the end the pain wants us to find a solution.