metacognition: thinking about thinking, consciously since 2010 & mental narratives at age 7
I feel my own mind making a slow but interesting transition to tolerating more information, building in length and complexity the mental maps (visual) and checklists (verbal) that dictate how I think and operate. I remember vaguely experiencing something similar at age 18 after one semester of college, feeling the growth spurt of my reasoning - maybe there’s something to be said here about rare moments of megacognitive clarity, on the hinge on these transitions. I’ll try to document it. This is interesting and promising, and a small miracle considering 2 years ago when I started grad school, I remember distinctly feeling like I was in possession of the foggy, risk-inclined, sex-and-salient image saturated mind of an adolescent, with little filter or impulse control with exerting effort. Since New Year’s, I’ve been acutely aware that my thinking and self-control, topics I fucking study for my PhD and extol as virtues children should (?) develop for enhanced free will (?), are not refined enough for me to preach about. I’ve made efforts to read nightly, to find peace through meditation, and to cut back on social media and news addiction - utterly dismal efforts which have failed. I constantly remember my restraint as an adolescent, oddly enough - reading dense textbooks and pleasantly dull literature, soldiering through difficult math equations with great pain - I hope to channel this, be inspired by the miserable but wildly productive kid I was, and to recapitalize on the depth of emotional and intellectual maturity I had then to steer my self now.
I want to keep more in my mind, or more relevant information in my mind, so as to lower boundaries to access relevant information. I feel dexterous about this with regards to topics I read daily; politics, Harvey Weinstein, urban ecology, socioeconomic inequality, all things Philadelphia. I wish I could tailor that fluidity of thought to topics that are richer, more important for my career or at least elegant. I’ve been harboring a desire to be more elegant in my thinking, and eloquent in my expression for months. As I said before, I’ve made pathetic progress - but going to England shook something loose inside me, in an almost disconcerting, visceral jolt. I felt the pleasant darkness and a return of willful control of my mental narrative for the first time in so very long. I had glimpses of it in college, but largely these were intrusive episodes or enforced by the weather or season, rather than self-discipline or will. For the first time in years, I take pleasure in the company of myself and my thoughts. Let’s see where it can take me.