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Press Rewind - Kinn

TAGGING → Kurt Hummel and Finn Hudson TIME FRAME→ Monday, July 22nd, 6PM LOCATION→ Kurt and Finn's apartment. GENERAL NOTES→ Kurt admits to Finn that he's been pretending they're engaged.

---

Kurt didn't know how he'd avoided this chat for so long. When they'd talked about whether they should get married a not a week ago, he should have brought it up then but he hadn't. And since then things had just seemed awkward and that really wasn't helping Kurt stay calm right now. What if Finn did think he was trying to sneakily push him into marriage by pretending they were engaged? Jesus, Kurt honestly wouldn't have put it past any of Finn's exes to do that, as much as he loved them so what would that make Finn think of him. Ugh, Kurt's hands shook and he fought off the urge to go into the kitchen and open the bottle of wine that he knew was in there. No, he had to be sober for this conversation.

He was home alone right now, waiting for Finn to join him so he could talk to him about the fake engagement. He'd broke it to everyone at work today that he wasn't actually engaged and he'd gotten the cold shoulder for the rest of the day. It had been like he was in high school again. Kurt sighed and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. He really didn't want to do this, why had he even thought it was a good idea to fake an engagement in the first place? This wasn't a movie, this might not end well.

*

Finn wasn't looking forward to this conversation in the slightest. Not that he knew what it was about, of course - all he knew was that Kurt had told him they needed to talk, and whenever that happened... well, it usually wasn't a good thing. And Kurt hadn't exactly sounded all that enthusiastic to be having this talk, either. In fact, he'd sounded pretty miserable when he brought it up. So yeah, he was nervous, to say the least. His mind kept coming up with so many possibilities for what this could be about, and none of them sounded all that pleasant. 

Walking up to their front door, he quickly unlocked it and let himself in, letting the door click shut behind him. The place was silent, and he bit his lip, toeing his shoes off and wandered further inside. "Kurt? Where are you?" He asked curiously. 

*

"In the living room," Kurt called back as he heard Finn enter their apartment. Their place wasn't too large but it was a decent sized apartment. Really, sometimes Kurt wondered how they could afford it but due to some contacts, they managed to get it cheap. Well, cheap considering the size. They had a small hall which led off to the kitchen and the living room and in the living room there were doors leading to their bedroom and the bathroom. It was all tastefully decorated of course but as Kurt sat there nervously, he couldn't help but look over the room and think about how he could redecorate the place. But they couldn't really afford that this month, maybe that was for the best though.

He took in a deep breath and let his hands drop to his legs, his hands clenching at his pants as he tried to think over what to say. How did he even bring this up? Hey Finn, you know how we spoke about getting engaged recently? Well I kind of told everyone at work that we already were engaged, oops? Probably not the best way to tell Finn.

*

Hearing Kurt's response, Finn made his way into the living room, seeing Kurt sat there looking... well, tense was the only word Finn could think of to describe Kurt right then. His hands were clenched, he looked paler than normal, and as worried as Finn was about what he was about to say, he wanted nothing more than to just hug the other boy and get him to relax. He didn't, though, instead perching beside him on the couch and frowning. "Um... hey, dude," He started with, biting his lip as he thought of what else to say. He wasn't even sure where to go with this - he had no idea what Kurt wanted to talk about, and he was pretty sure it'd be best if he just let Kurt talk, but... it didn't seem like he was going to be doing that just yet. So he waited a little before pressing on. "What did you wanna talk about?"

*

Oh, here we go. Time to explain himself. Kurt bit his bottom lip for a moment before he turned his head to look at Finn. His boyfriend of five years, his first love and quite possibly the love of his life. And the guy he'd pretended to be engaged to just to get people to shut up. That was just great. He sighed heavily and decided to just bit the bullet and tell Finn.  "It's about the whole engagement thing recently," he started, his grasp on his pants tightening as he met Finn's eyes. Oh god, if Finn wasn't happy about this then it really wasn't going to end well. "You know how people have basically been telling us we should get married? Well, it's not just been our joint friends. People at work have been pestering me about it as well. At first I just went with it, I kept insisting that we're fine and happy as we are. That we don't want to rush anything. As we are and we don't need to rush anything just because other people say so but..." he trailed off with a quiet sigh.

After their talk the other day, Kurt was starting to worry that maybe Finn didn't want to get married at all. Which was fine, they didn't have to be married to stay together forever. But...Kurt did want to get married and maybe in the next few years. They were old enough to know what they wanted now.  And the thought that because he wanted it soon and Finn might not yet...it worried him. Worried him that he might push him into something he wasn't ready for. And that was the opposite of what he wanted. But he had to tell him and if it ended badly then so be it.

"But I gave into them. I just wanted to people to leave me alone about it so I said we were engaged. It's why I've been posting wedding stuff on my blog, just in case anyone from work goes on there. I didn't tell anyone else or start making plans or anything. In fact, I told them today that we're not actually engaged but...I did pretend for a bit. I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he explained, dropping his gaze guiltily to his lap. God, did this sound stupid. But then again, that was a Kurt Hummel plan for you. Usually stupid in the light of day and they always end badly.

*

At the mention of the engagement thing, Finn perked up. He knew they'd discussed it recently, of course, but... he wasn't sure where Kurt was going with this. He was sure it probably wasn't good, though, with the way Kurt's hands clenched on his lap again, and how nervous he looked. He nodded, hoping that the motion would encourage Kurt to keep talking and get to the point, because by now, he was just worried. And when Kurt continued, he frowned, feeling a little uneasy with the way this was going. They'd both been bugged by friends and family about when they were going to finally tie the not, everyone seemingly amazed that they hadn't by now, and... while Finn understood why, it kinda made him feel like something was wrong with him for not wanting to yet. They'd been together forever, sure, but... that didn't mean that they automatically had to get married just yet, right? Finn wanted that to be something special, something they did when they were both ready, and... he wasn't sure they were, yet. Because they were both still young, and he wanted to make sure they did it when the time was right. 

Kurt saying that his work friends had been bothering him about it as well worried Finn, though, especially with the tone Kurt was taking. With him saying he defended their choices at first... Finn was sure there was more to the story, then. And he was right.

"Wait... what?" He asked, frowning even more. Kurt had been lying to his friends about them being engaged? Oh, well, that was great. That didn't make Finn feel even more like something was wrong with him at all. "Why would you think you had to do that? I mean... It shouldn't matter what they think, right? We're not engaged, yeah, but we're still in love and it's gonna happen eventually so if people can't get over that, that's their fault. I mean, unless..." He trailed off, frowning as it dawned on him that it probably wasn't just their friends that it bothered - Kurt was probably bothered by it too. His stomach sank. Not only everyone else expect that they should be engaged by now - apparently Kurt did, too, and the fact that they weren't meant that Kurt felt the need to lie and make people think they were. Great. 

*

"I just wanted to get them off my back. I thought that I could keep the lie going for a little while and they'd eventually forget. I knew we would get engaged eventually and when we did get married I could have said it was a really long engagement. Look-" Kurt paused and sighed, bringing a hand up to his face to rub at his eyes. Finn wasn't shouting at him but part of Kurt couldn't help but worry that him not saying much was actually worse in this case. "I obviously didn't think it through properly but since when is that something new. I didn't do it to make you feel bad or push you into anything. I just said it so people would leave us alone to work it out in our own time," he tried to explain. It sounded pathetic even to his ears though.

He looked back up at Finn and expression on his face finally sunk in. Kurt unclenched one of his hands and reached out to take one of Finn's hands in his own. "It's not like I agree with them, Finn. I understand that we're not ready yet, that you're not ready yet. I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to push you because I'm not and I thought if I told you that I was faking an engagement, you'd have felt like I was pushing you. This is the sort of conversation I wanted to avoid, one where you end up looking so sad," Kurt carried on, trying to explain everything. He was starting to understand how Finn usually felt during their arguments because this time he was in the wrong and the one putting his foot in his mouth. "Look, I'm sorry."

*

"Couldn't you have just told them to mind their own freaking business? What does it matter to them if we're getting married or not, Kurt? Shouldn't they be able to take a simple "screw off" and leave it alone?" He asked, his voice soft but still hurt. How could he not be? Kurt had made up some lie about the two of them being engaged just to please his coworkers, and wasn't even going to bother telling him until he got caught in the lie. There wasn't really any other way to feel about this. And yeah, of course Kurt hadn't meant to make him feel bad, but... well, it had done exactly that. And it sucked. 

He felt one of Kurt's hands come to rest on his own, and although the gesture usually helped, right now... it wasn't having the same effect it usually did. Finn didn't even pay much attention to it, instead boring a hole into the coffee table with his eyes. "Part of you must agree with them, though. Right? I mean, if you'd go along with it and lie about it so your coworkers wouldn't keep bugging about us not 'making it official' or whatever, there's gotta be a reason. Are you, like... embarrassed that we're not at that point yet? Or... do you wish we were?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper as he finally looked up at Kurt, expression sad. "I mean, I already feel like I'm holding you back when you're so ready to just get married already, and I know that the only reason we're not is because of me, and... The fact that you went behind my back and told all these people that we were makes me feel like... like you're trying to have this life that you want but can't have yet because I suck. And you weren't even going to tell me, Kurt." His voice was bordering on whining, he knew it, but considering how hurt he was, he felt it was justified. 

*

Kurt couldn't look at Finn as he started to respond. This was the opposite of how he'd wanted things to go but what could he do now? He had dug his grave, now he just had to lie in it and make it up to him. He let his eyes fall shut for a moment as Finn finally looked at him, the guilt had burrowed it's way into his stomach and his mouth ran dry. What had he done wrong to make Finn feel that way? He'd done nothing but support him and try to make him feel better about himself and yet he still felt like he was holding Kurt back? How was that right. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes again, meeting Finn's with his own. "No, Finn, I don't agree with them. We're only twenty four, we have plenty of time to get married. We don't need to rush things and I just didn't want other people to rush us so I lied to them. Okay, that was clearly the wrong thing to do but I-" he broke off with another sigh, his hand coming up to rub at his eyes. "I'm just sorry, okay?"

He fell silent for a few moments, trying to decide how to admit to what he had to say next. No matter what he said, he was going to end up hurting him. Finn was going to feel that he was at fault for this and Kurt wouldn't be surprised if he ended up snapping because of that. "I'm not embarrassed that we're not married or engaged. But...yes, okay, I would like to get engaged within the next few years. But if it takes longer then that, I won't care! I just want everything to be perfect, for you to be happy. This is us and I know when you decide you're ready, when we're both ready it'll be amazing," he explained. Once again, he reached out for Finn, this time he placed his hand on his shoulder as he leaned closer to him until their noses almost brushed. "I love you, Finn. And I'm sorry I hurt you but what can I do about that now? You're already giving me the life I want, I'm happy, I am but I just made this one stupid mistake. I've come clean now so we can move on," he pleaded, his voice a mere whisper as he tried to calm Finn down.

*

Finn didn't say much right away. He couldn't - he was trying to get himself to believe what Kurt was saying, to believe that he knew he shouldn't have done it and had done it because he hadn't wanted other people to rush them. And it's not that he didn't believe that Kurt hadn't meant to hurt him, but... something felt off. He'd done it for a reason, and whatever that reason was still stung. He took a shaky breath, biting his lip as he looked up at Kurt, feeling... not good enough. It had been forever since he'd felt that way, like he was holding Kurt back from the things he wanted or could do, but it stung just as much as it did all those years ago. 

And of course, he knew Kurt wanted to get married. As much as Kurt was understanding of the fact that he wanted to wait, put this off a bit, the fact of the matter was that Kurt was ready to start planning a wedding and Finn wasn't even close. Not that he didn't want it, but... it was still so soon. If they rushed into this and it only ended up falling apart... he couldn't forgive himself for that. And that's why he wasn't ready. But Kurt... Kurt was. And he was getting in the way of that, no matter how much Kurt tried to reassure him that he'd wait. "I want things to be perfect too, Kurt. That's why I don't think I'm ready yet, because it's just... there's so much to go with this, you know? And I don't wanna rush into it." He leaned into Kurt's touch the second his hand was on his shoulder, looking down at his hands and sighing. "I love you too, dude. You know I do. I love you so much, and... I mean, I know we're happy, and that you're happy, but how long is that gonna last? If I'm not ready to get married right now, yeah, that's fine. What if it lasts longer? What if it ends up being years from now that I feel ready? What if I never do? Are you gonna be just as happy then? Or..." His voice shook, and he paused, darting his eyes back up to Kurt's. "I'm just scared that I'm gonna lose you because of this - and I don't want that to happen. I might not be ready to get engaged, but I still love you just as much, and I don't... I don't want this to mess things up." He bit his lip, leaning forward slightly to rest his forehead against Kurt's. "I'm such an idiot."

*

Listening to Finn almost broke Kurt's heart. If he'd realized what an affect his lies had then he'd have never told them in the first place. For Finn to feel like he was going to mess things up then something had to be wrong. He stared into Finn's eyes, his gaze softening as he watched the pain cross Finn's face. "You're not an idiot and you're not going to lose me. I can wait however long it takes and I'll put up with those idiots who think we need to rush things like I should have all along," he insisted. He trailed his hand along Finn's shoulder and brought it up to cup his cheek, his thumb rubbing at the skin affectionately. He leaned in to peck him on the lips. "I'm sorry I made you feel like this again, so sorry," he murmured as he started to scatter kisses across his face before he returned to his lips all the while whispering that he was sorry.

*

Finn sighed when his eyes met Kurt's, biting his lip. As much as he wanted to, staying mad at Kurt for too much longer would be pretty impossible, especially with the way he was apologizing. He let his eyes fall shut when Kurt started to press kisses to his face, his own hand coming up to rest on his waist to hold him there, hold him close, especially once their lips connected. He needed this right now, a little bit of comfort from the other man after the conversation they'd just had, so he kissed Kurt back, thumb rubbing circles against his waist before he pulled back. "I know. I know you're sorry, dude," He started. "And... And I forgive you. But," He bit his lip again, pulling away just a little bit more. "I'm still a little mad. And I think I kinda need some time to myself. So... I think I might stay with some of the guys tonight." He said softly, trailing off a bit at the end, feeling a little bad. It wasn't that he didn't want to be around Kurt right now, but... he really did just need some time away. Just one night, really - even though he wasn't going to stay mad at Kurt for much longer, there was a good chance that if he stayed it might get worse again, so why not prevent it?

*

"Oh..." Kurt breathed, his hands dropping into his lap as he turned slightly away. This...this wasn't a good sign. He bit his bottom lip, trying not to appear distressed as he nodded. "Okay. If that's what you think you need," he replied, blinking back the tears that threatened to rise. He was not going to get upset in front of Finn. It was going to be fine. Finn just needed some space to think that's all. And anyway, it was all his own fault so he kind of deserved to be left to stew in his own guilt. He held his head up and gave Finn a shaky smile. "I guess I'll leave you to go and pack a night bag. I'm just going to get myself some dinner and I'll see you tomorrow," he said, he smiled again and leaned in to peck Finn on the lips again. He moved to get up then, moving out of Finn's reach so he could get up and head out into the hall then the kitchen. Right now he could do with some alone time himself so he could actually let his true emotions show.

*

Finn nearly reconsidered when he saw the expression on Kurt's face - he tried to hide it, yeah, but Finn could see he was disappointed. But... even though he felt bad, he knew it was better this way. He would only end up exploding and snapping at Kurt if he stayed here much longer, even though he wasn't nearly as angry as he'd been before, so... some space would do them good. "I'm sorry," He murmured, looking at Kurt sadly and kissing Kurt back when he leaned in to give him one. "I'll be quick." He stood as well, going the opposite direction as Kurt did, towards their bedroom to pack his things. He didn't need much - some pajamas, his phone charger, a toothbrush, just the essentials, and it wasn't long until he was ready to go, duffel bag slung over his shoulder. When he came back to the living room, Kurt wasn't there - as he'd expected, really - and he sighed softly before making his way to the front door, slipping his shoes on and calling out. "Bye, Kurt. I love you," He said, pausing for a moment before opening the door and slipping out.