SOTM: David/Jake, wants and needs (6)
And lo, finally, we complete the saga of David’s first time bottoming.
This got real sappy, folks. Sap to sex ratio is probably 1:1.
David expected it to hurt. He doesn’t know why — the times he practiced in anticipation never did, nor did Jake’s fingers, and he has a hard time imagining Jake being anything but conscientious, even paranoid, about not hurting him. He thought it would hurt anyway. He’s read warnings — sensations of stinging, of burning. He knows what over-extended muscles feel like. He’s very accustomed to hurting, the low grade aches he can ignore, the medium grade that’s harder, but he still attempts to ignore, the worst, the kind you can’t ignore, not if you don’t want to make things worse.
This isn’t like that. Jake goes as slowly as David might have expected, so slowly David wants to tell him to just — get it over with, but he can’t say anything, can’t manage to, breath coming out uneven, almost ragged, nothing in his control, not his breathing, not the way his hand has clenched tight around the sheets without his permission, not Jake, inching into him so, so slow.
Jake stops, pressing kisses to David’s jaw, cheek, and David hates feeling like Jake’s coddling him, but he still leans into it, turns his face towards Jake’s so Jake can kiss him properly.
“You can keep — you can go, um,” David says, when Jake pulls back, a clear question in his eyes. “Deeper, if—”
“I mean,” Jake says. “I kind of can’t?”
“Really?” David asks.
“Wow,” Jake says. “I don’t think my dick has ever had more hurt feelings than it does right now.”
“I didn’t mean it that way,” David says. “I just—”
“You thought it would hurt,” Jake finishes for him.
“Kind of,” David says, because it sounds better than ‘yes’. Discomfort at the very least, and he’s not — comfortable right now, exactly, but that’s not so much physical as how…vulnerable it is, like this, how close Jake is. No closer than when he fucks Jake, but — it’s different. Obviously.
“Do you think you’re hurting me every time you fuck me?” Jake asks.
“No,” David says, “But I—”
“You thought I’d hurt you?” Jake asks, and David knows he isn’t imagining the way Jake sounds hurt right now.
“I know you wouldn’t,” David says. Not intentionally, at least. “It feels okay, right?”
“Are you kidding me?” Jake asks.
“I just—”
“David,” Jake says. “If you want to stop, like, please tell me now, because it’s kind of taking pretty much everything in me not to move right now.”
“Oh,” David says. “Um. No, we don’t have to—”
He doesn’t get a chance to say the word ‘stop’ before Jake’s pulling out, and he’s about to protest, but then — Jake isn’t stopping, Jake’s just — Jake’s moving, and it’s immediately overwhelming, enough that he does want to tell him to stop, just — let him adjust to it for a moment, but he thinks if he says that Jake will stop, period, and he’s a little surprised to find that he doesn’t want that, that he very much does not want that.
“God, you’re just—” Jake says, pad of his thumb against David’s bottom lip, and it isn’t until then that David realises his mouth’s open.
He must look like —
He doesn’t want to think about what he looks like, but at the same time he wants Jake to see him like that, he likes that Jake’s looking at him right now, intent, and he’s not sure how to reconcile those feelings, not sure how they can be reconciled, but it’s fine, because Jake doesn’t stop looking at him, and it’s almost as overwhelming as feeling Jake inside him.
“You make me fucking crazy,” Jake says, voice tight, and David knows it’s a compliment, knows that because Jake does too, and even when it’s — even at its worst he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Knows it’s a compliment, and can’t take that too, Jake’s face so open, David so open, but when he closes his eyes he feels it even more, and that’s —
It’s out of his control, out of his hands, Jake’s fingers on his jaw as gentle as the way he’s moving in him, still slow, but inexorable. It must be hard for him to hold back like that; David’s never managed to do that in his life, not when he comes to Jake, and considering Jake’s the sum total of his experience, that’s just — Jake’s patient, and kind, and this is like the embodiment of that, Jake so careful, so slow, even as his uneven breath skates over David’s ear before David turns his head, blind, finds his mouth again, a distracted kiss that’s more sharing breath than anything else.
Jake pulls away after a moment, which David wants to protest, wraps a hand around him, and David almost wants to protest that too, doesn’t want to — he doesn’t know. He lets him, that’s been — that’s been today, David letting him, Jake’s hand tight around him, hard, the way David likes it best, hips stuttering when David gets close, must be — fuck, he must be going tight around him, Jake can probably feel how close he is, and that’s —
David’s silent when he comes, but that’s only because he’s got his teeth in Jake’s shoulder, Jake laughing breathlessly. David doesn’t know what he’s laughing at, but he — he knows it’s not him, Jake’s laugh caught in his mouth when Jake kisses him.
David wants to ask him to keep going, but he’s not sure he can handle that, positive he can’t say the words right now, so he just fights the disappointment when Jake pulls out, which feels — weird, and wrong, which kind of proves that David wouldn’t have been able to handle it.
“Can I?” Jake says, doesn’t even need to finish the question, because David knows what he’s asking for, nods, and Jake strips off the condom before straddling his hips. Jake likes to leave his mark on him, David’s found, at least as long as it lasts before David goes to clean himself off. It’s objectively gross, he should find it gross, but he doesn’t, Jake’s come hot against his chest, his belly.
Jake nearly faceplants on him before before he rolls off. “Shower?” Jake mumbles against David’s shoulder.
They both should, especially since Jake’s made a complete mess of him. “In a minute,” David says.
“That was okay, right?” Jake asks. “Didn’t hurt?”
David’s pretty sure Jake knows the answers to both those questions, just wants David to say it. “No,” he says. “I mean, it didn’t hurt, I don’t mean it wasn’t—”
“I know, babe,” Jake says, thankfully interrupting him.
“It was okay for you, right?” David asks.
Jake leans up to kiss him, soft, and David knows by now that isn’t him avoiding answering, it’s an answer in itself.