#psotu2018

[psotu19]

Everyday racism

It’s day seven of my new job at an LGBTQ resource center for homeless queer youth. I am just getting to know the community, but there are a few participants with whom I already have a comfortable rapport. Kayla is one of them. she tells me she’s fine when I ask how she’s doing. She didn’t sleep well at the shelter. Also, she casually mentions, “some old white dude” started cursing at her and calling her the n-word that morning on the train platform. I am incensed, shocked, confused. Doesn’t he know basic human decency? How dare that man speak to another human being that way? “It was really annoying,” she says nonchalantly, as if she were describing someone who was chewing gum a bit too loudly. Then she continues to tell me about the latest drama with her girlfriend.

For Kayla, the moment with the man on the train was a nonchalant detail because being called the n-word by a random stranger is a regular occurrence for her. Over the course of my time in the safe-space drop-in program, I learned that most of the young people who access the program are faced with blatant verbal racism every day. Kayla’s story turned out to be one of many first-hand stories about overt racism that I heard as a youth worker. Our country is deeply ill with racism, and this moment was the beginning of many calls to action.

[psotu19]

something is horribly wrong with that

I started to realize a few years ago how prejudice I really was without realizing it. And I didnt think of myself in that way before. And I started to realize how prejudice a lot of people who don’t think they are, really are. And it’s like in subtle ways. I was in Louisiana on this mission trip with this ministry organization that I was working with. And I was looking at this big picture at this church. And it was a picture of the last supper, with Jesus and his apostles, and Jesus was like milky white. And the guys closest to him where white, and as they got farther from him their skin got darker and darker. And there was this one guy in the back who looked kind of lonely and sad, and he looked like he was black. And I just thought, something is horribly wrong with that. And so I started to take a lot of things that Jesus says a lot more seriously, that tend to be neglected in the preaching and teaching that I’ve been immersed in for a long time. And, I think that I believe that it’s all true, that he is who he said he was and he’s coming back. And that there are a lot of rich, white people who have gotten rich and have elevated their quality of life because of the exploitation of people who are poor and of other ethnicities. And they are going to be shocked when they bow before a brown man and then wait while he decides where they go forever. And I think there’s a horrible shock awaiting for a lot of evangelical conservative white folks. And the whole thing gives me a lot of hope and it also scares the crap out of me too.

[psotu19]

My name is Lisa Ann and I'm a bitchin chick

Hello my name is Lisa Ann and I’m a bitchin chick.

I need help with my withdrawals, I’m an alcoholic and an addict.  I had surgery in Sept.  My surgeon saved my life.  I’m an agoraphobic, and I have had panic attacks since I was 16 and I’m 63 now.  I’ve been on tranquilizers and valiums since I was 16.  I’m a long time addict you know, and I feeling strange because I don’t have any tranquilizers right now and my Doctor can’t prescribe Ativan because he’s not a psychiatrist, and I don’t have a psychiatrist at the moment.   

I’m antisocial, it’s hard for me to relate and speak to other people.  I’m in my own trip, in my own problems and I’m in fear.  I’ve had these fears since I’ve been 16 and I’m scared of everything and I don’t have anything for my nerves.  I’m having a nervous breakdown. 

I was raped 3 times when I was hitch hiking and I was hooked on cocaine, crack, and crank and I was a prostitute. That was years ago in Santa Clara.  I hated being a prostitute but I had to support my habit.  I had to have coke every day.  I was seeing 3 psychiatrists I was high as a kite.  I had my hangover remedies.  I was on alcohol, all of that.  I had migraine headaches. 

I remember every now and then I would think, wouldn’t it be cool to have a line.  On a whole I’m not obsessed with street drugs.  I stay away from that now.  I’m hooked on pills now, I’ve been on pills for 30 or 40 years.  I don’t have any right now.  For my pain the doctor gave me tramadol.  The withdrawals are really bad, for two weeks now.  I was almost having seizures and I was having convulsions.  It gets really bad.  I’ve been out of my meds and the doctor won’t refill because I can only get 20 at a time.  I have to have a doctor.  I have 3 left, and I’m saving them.  When I get low I take half.  I hate meth.  I hate sex.  I had to do horrible things.

When John Lennon was assassinated I wanted to get as stoned as possible so I hitchhiked from Santa Clara to Palo Alto and these black guys black car, heroin and coke.  I got sick on the black tar but I loved the coke. I was very disappointed with the black tar.  I thought that would be the bomb, the greatest thing, it wasn’t – I was thinking – is that all? 

She sings…. Let’s keep dancing, lets break out the booze, and have a ball, if that’s all there is.

I know old show tunes, pop, rock, and used to karaoke with my late husband John.  I have some CDs and a karaoke machine and John, he was pure country.  He loved Hank Williams, Cole Colehart, all the greats of country - Jim Reeves, Johnny Cash….

She sings…. Jackson, that’s a fact.  We got married in a Jackson….

He loved to gamble.  We went to Jackson.  He smoked, I don’t’.  One time I won 40 dollars and I paid for my own tranqs. 

I’m not Republican!  I never voted Republican. Never will.  I’m a Democrat.  I’m anti-war, I’m peace and love, I’m an old-time hippie. 

When I was 10 years old I had ice coffee with 8 or 9 sugars. I was a strange child, I was obsessed with sugar.  I was 2 pounds, 11 oz.  I was a miracle baby.  I’m agoraphobic and a miracle baby.  I was little.  I struggled to be born.   I don’t know what that has to do with my fears but all those things stay in your mind, in your subconscious, and I’m sure that had something to do with my fears. 

 (This is an interview with Lisa in January 2018.  Lisa died on 2/23/2018)

[psotu19]

Fergus Falls, MN - Excerpts from Story Circle

Insight – I was visiting a little town in SE Texas, an organization called Arts for Rural Texas, the woman who runs it currently said it really has taken two generations for actual, sustainable participation in their organization. I went on a tour of the bell tower in town later that day and the guy giving the tour looked like someone who might not be interested in arts, but he talked so fondly about the arts organization. This is what our country has been doing – looking at each other and judging them, and I was participating in that, we just assume so many things about people.

 Insight – What’s been happening in the world is very disturbing. When they were marching in Charlottesville it was really disturbing. There doesn’t seem to be any help from higher up. There is a divisiveness in motion – there is so much extremism on both sides and I’m just afrais that something’s going to happen. Like what happened in Hawaii – “this is not a drill.” I think the whole mood of the world caused that because there is tension all over. Steven Colbert had a guest a couple of nights ago from Sweden and they were talking about our fake president and he said “we hate him over there, he’s ruining the world.” We can’t have that. Enough people hate us, they don’t need to hate our president too. People look down on us, and sometimes rightly so. Americans have this arrogance – people here don’t understand how we are perceived. I was stationed in the Philippines for four years, my mother came to visit and she was really surprised that even though the houses were really small and run down, they were really clean and everybody’s hair was so clean. We are so kind of protected here. This kind of reminds me of the 60s because the civil rights protests were going on and Vietnam protests are going on and you are just kind of insulated. I just concentrate on my music – If I didn’t have that I would go crazy. In 2012 I had laryngitis, I couldn’t sing, I could barely speak. It was time for our concert and I had a solo at the church – I wanted to sing the National Anthem. So, I said I don’t think I can actually sing the National Anthem, so I wrote down the words and I just want to recite it, speak it, while the accompanist plays and many people said that was the best National Anthem they have ever heard.

Insight – I work all over the country and I have been doing a lot of listening. And what’s clear is that everybody is hurting, there is a deep wound in the country right now on all sides. The problem is that all that we make visible – we don’t make love visible, we don’t make hurt visible, we make fear visible. There is just a strong culture of fear and fearmongering that is not helping anyone and that is what I wish we could change. Having a leader that doesn’t make fear visible for everybody.

Insight - One thing I can’t understand – I’ve heard some of my right side of the aisle friends say “you have to hate to be a Democrat.” I have not heard one hate (except I hate Trump) from my left side of the aisle friends say anything hateful about anybody except him. And it was not Democrats marching in Charlottesville, it wasn’t Democrats burning Obama in effigy. They forget that. It seems to me that almost all the hate is coming from the Republican side. I would read the things from both sides on Facebook before the election, the most intelligent people that I respected most were on the Democratic side. Fear is probably part of it. They always say Obama was an embarrassment – what was there to be embarrassed about? His 25 year marriage? His lack of scandal? Years of public service? Community activism? MLK was the biggest community activist ever. Or what about December 25th – talk about a community activist. Jesus was real popular with the ruling class, right? He threw the moneylenders out of the tent for crying out loud. Called them a bunch of devils.

Additional quotes:

“there is so little room for dialogue. You just put it out there on social media and don’t have to deal with it.”

About the president:

“I don’t think he listens to himself.”

“That’s because he’s a Gemini”

“You don’t know if you are going to get the lion or the lamb – it’s these two crazy extremes”

“They always say call their Congressmen, but it doesn’t do very good in Minnesota – they don’t support that jackass. I hate to say that. I’m not saying that about the President of the United States. I am the first one to respect the office of the President. But, I knew enough higher officers in the Navy to know that you have to respect the person, you respect the position. But, you have to command respect. You don’t get it automatically, you don’t get loyalty automatically. You can be loyal to the president, but you don’t have to be loyal to the person. That’s what he wants. He wants to tell us to go crap in the corner and have us go crap in the corner and ask what color he wants it. Some are just blind. He’s president you follow blindly.”

“I think something’s gotta break big before we can work on things. It will have to be a big, sad, national event for us to come together.”

[psotu19]

nothing is blatant

I’ve lived in Maine for almost 40 years. And I’ve never really had a sense of belonging here. I never left though. The things I’m allowed to do. I’m treated well for the most part. If I’m excluded I don’t really know until after the fact. But nothing is blatant. So that’s something that’s nice about it. And when I am excluded I don’t feel bad, because I’ve been doing something else, and I’ve thickened my skin around that. I’ve just realized that really there are few places I feel like I belong when I’m in Maine, but mostly I feel like an outsider looking in.

[psotu19]

they show up hungry and there’s nothing to eat

I wanted to talk about how I work for a Hunger Prevention Program, about food insecurities. And I work down the hill at a day treatment school for children with emotional disabilities, which have close to 100% free and reduced lunch and some of them have no food at home. So I fill up bags of things so that I can bring them food on Monday, because kids can’t start to be present until they’ve eaten. And it’s so hard when they show up hungry and there’s nothing to eat.

[psotu19]

hope comes from working with young students

For me, my hope comes from working with young students. I ping-ponged thinking of stories seeing students play or seeing students question the world, and come to greater understanding. And I kept coming back to a place of thinking about my own sense of belonging and identity. When I started my current job, when you’re working with young kids, the decisions you make about how much to reveal about your personal life. And as a teacher I think it’s important to have authentic relationships with students. I value exposing myself but it also puts you in places of jeopardy. I had just got married, and decided that I wanted to be really honest about that where I’ve held back being gay to children before. So I let it organically come up. I was making art with kindergarteners, and one girl asked where I lived, and I said I lived with my wife. And she looked at me confused and said, you mean your husband. And I said, no my wife. And it was a moment of fear and worry that acceptance wouldn’t come. But it definitely did. And it’s just important for me to be loud and open for children who might be questioning their own identity. And even the hope that there can be really uncomfortable moments and that fear can often be rewarded. And I also know that it’s rewarded for me as someone who is very safe and in a lot of privilege that like, that moment of fear isn’t as real for me as it is for other people. And even other students of mine who are more in jeopardy

[psotu19]

that guy was a symbol of something

I work a lot in Lewiston. I usually drive my car a lot, I’m an interpreter so I’m always bringing patients from one place to other and bringing them to appointments. When I have some time off I go to a cafe and get a coffee and drink it in my car. But this week I was doing that, drinking a coffee in my car, and I saw a bench and there was a sleeping bag. And I saw the bag move and I was like, oh someone is sleeping there. And it was like freezing. And this guy came out because he put his hand out and lit a cigarette. He was very young. And in bad shape. And in this area I drive and you can see people in really bad shape. And a woman sat on a bench in front of him. And I was wondering, what’s this guy’s story, what’s he doing here. Is he from Maine? Is he moving somewhere? Did he lose his house? And as I was thinking of this I opened my eyes and there were a lot of people on the street, and I just noticed the contrast. And I don’t know what to do with this detail, but there were a lot of refugees, black people, and this guy was white, and it was the same week of the State of the Union speech of Trump, where he talked about immigrants and this thing. And I feel that the rhetoric is so twisted that we don’t see the power of immigration right now. We are talking about refugees instead of talking about labor and energy coming to this country. So the thing that I saw was like, I don’t know, like that guy was a symbol of something, and the other people walking in the streets were a symbol of something, so separated. I probably will make sense of it at some point, but I just wanted to share this detail that I saw.