One step at a time. It took me 5 years of motivation to start seeing a therapist. Apparently I look like I am doing better, but I feel like I am further away at sea at the same time. No-one can really say it for me anyway. Trauma is something I never shared because I dissociated with it. Now my brain and my heart are starting to hurt me a lot. I kinda feel like I am drowning, i also want to drawn and I want to be back on earth. There's this walled blockage facing me though. I hate it. It's making me cry when nobody is listenning, while wanting to be heard. It's making me sticking my nails into my skin to feel a pain I would never feel, without anyone seeing the remains of self harm. I want to love myself but I can only despise it. I feel I am in a constant aggression from my environment. As if it was becoming too intense for me to bear, its colours too vivid and its sounds too strident. I'd like somebody to open the door I want to unlock and take my hand, show me a love I have never felt.
