#ptsdreams

[nvraln-etsy]

Dreams are alive; we are not having a dream; we are having an experience in an alternate reality. // Linda Yael Schiller

[reinventingsilence]

If the PTSD my dream just gave me is even 1/4 as bad as the real thing, we should be taking MUCH better care of our soldiers...

(you can skip to the ################ section for the interesting part)

The dream was that i was the only male member of an 8-person squad sent to infiltrate the headquarters of some weird dinosaur/humans. Like lizard people but with smooth skin, and more anthropomorphic. Our team pulled up in a regular van outside the back wall of what seemed like a massive, idyllic (yet entirely windowless concrete) office building. It was almost like a park... beautifully green, manicured lawns cut through with concrete walking paths. We were looking south at the wall, and on the right side was a concrete rainwater drainage channel (that eventually transitioned to a covered tunnel) leading into the edifice. Only in this case it was carrying sewage. It was about chest high at its deepest, and just wide enough for two people two people to walk shoulder to shoulder. Barely.

I was already in full combat gear, green camouflage, from the waist down, but suited up the rest of the way before entering the drainage channel with the rest of my team (for some reason this also included me taking my two favorite hats and a necklace with me). As we first entered, the sewage water was only knee deep, but gradually progressed to chest-height as we got further into the tunnel. I remember fumbling with my helmet part way down the tunnel, trying unsuccessfully to attach the bike-helmet-like clasp under my chin. I also remember being totally grossed-out by the sewage, and simultaneously relieved to find out that my combat gear was fully waterproof, and the part of me that was underwater was still dry. I distinctly remember thinking how disgusting it would be to have sewage water sloshing around in my boots for the rest of the mission. There was a girl with chin-length blond hair behind my left shoulder as we walked down the tunnel (i felt/knew this rather than seeing it), and three people ahead of me... the fireteam commander (who had red hair), the second in command / lieutenant (who had brown hair), and one other girl (who had black, long, wavy hair).

Eventually the water went back to waist level as the tunnel opened into a tall-ceilinged room. The drainage channel ended abruptly in a grate set at a 60-degree angle, although the water didn’t actually drain through it, remaining stagnant. It was approximately 10 feet from the end of the tunnel/covered part of the channel to where it ended in the room. The room itself was mostly a light beige color, the far southern wall (opposite the wall the tunnel came out of) was mostly glass with aluminum supports, like a cheap strip mall storefront, including double glass doors, almost directly in front of the end of the drainage channel, but slightly off to the right, about 50 feet away.

In the room to the left of the end of the drainage channel, about 15-20 feet away, was some kind of structure that the squad commander and lieutenant had advanced to in order to take the point and provide cover. I don’t remember many details, but it was something like fountain... a wall about 4 ft. high and 10ft across blocked them from the glass/outside wall, and had a smaller wall running around it, which they were hunkered down into. Once all this had taken place, and i had reached the end of the drainage channel, is when things got weird.

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Having reached the end of the channel, it was my job to join the commander and lieutenant on the point. I had ducked down into the water to conceal myself behind the grating at the end (which allowed some sewage water to get into my shirt through the neck, which annoyed me), but every time i raised my head to check and try and advance, there were some weird dinosaur/humans looking in through the glass doors. First it was two purple ones with huge eyes, dressed in tan jumpsuits. The second time they were grey, but i don’t remember much else about them. Every time i remember them looking directly at me, and being terrified they had seen me, but then remembering being told their dinosaur eyes couldn’t see as far as my human eyes and we were safe as long as i ducked back down in time. I remember the blond girl behind me readying her H&K MP5 after the second time, but being rather chipper and unafraid. I recall my camouflage helmet coming loose and having to put it back on in order to hide effectively from their terrible dinosaur vision. The third time i raised my head to peek over the edge of the drainage channel i remember seeing two MASSIVE bluish dinosaurs with stegosaurus plates down their backs walk through the doors. Now I was SURE we’d been seen, regardless of what we’d been told. I ducked back down, and pulled my helmet on, scrunching my body so that my face has just above the water level, looking down into it, listening for the movement of the two beasts. I FELT the ground and water tremble as these massive things walked towards us, around the L-shaped path formed by the end of the channel and the fountain-like cover in front of it. I felt the vibrations and heard the steps move left, scrape as they turned around, and then walk back out the doors. But I had seen two. I somehow knew they had been walking in unison and only one of them had left. I pulled my helmet down tighter by holding the straps at the side and begin whispering to myself (but also trying to make it loud enough so that the blond girl would hear me, or at least wishing everyone else in the team heard it) “do NOT get up do NOT get up do NOT get up do NOT get up...”

But someone had. The dinosaur-thing began singing. Something like opera, but less dramatic and more beautiful. I couldn’t look. I knew this was bad. About 7 seconds in, I hear the blond girl behind me raise up and go “awwwww...!” as though she was seeing something really cute. I was horrified. Somehow i knew what was about to happen. I pulled my helmet on as hard as i could, simultaneously covered my ears, eyes and mouth with my hands, and ducked under the water. I heard the dinosaur song end. 2 seconds later, a horrific and massive explosion centered on the dinosaur rocked the room. I felt the waves of heat and pressure incinerate the rest of my team. The force of the explosion pushed me through the water 100 feet back up the drainage tunnel. I stopped moving, looked back where i’d came from and saw the tunnel had collapsed. I turned around and made for the park we entered from, and saw that one other person at the back had escaped and was moving hastily off by herself through the park and over the horizon. When i got there, my father picked me up in his Toyota Highlander and tried to console me, offered to take me out for a drink, but i told him “No, remember, i only drink when i’m happy. I do NOT feel like getting drunk right now.” It was suddenly night, and as we exited the parking lot, turning left around a driverless metro bus that was parked at the stop, i remember thinking “my favorite hats! wtf happened? why weren’t we ever given the order to fire? what the hell was our fireteam commander thinking?! what were we even doing there?!” and other similar thoughts as i woke up.

Is this really what PTSD is like? Because it was just a vivid dream, it’s been three hours, and i still can’t stop seeing everything happen on repeat... feeling the earth shake as the dinosaurs walked around the room, hearing that death opera, knowing my entire team (minus one) is dead, and knowing it was all going to happen and there was nothing i could do to stop it. I’ve had nightmares before, and i wouldn’t go so far as to call this a nightmare... but i’ve never woken up feeling quite like this before. And i can’t stop the following phrase running through my mind, and actually seriously trying to figure out: “What the hell was our fireteam commander thinking?!”

JUSTADREAMJUSTADREAMJUSTADREAMJUSTADREAM xP