#publicprivatediary

[justsomepersontypingaway]

3/19/205

I dreamt of my ex last night, I havent thought about him in a year until last night.

[juh-nay-uh]

Emotional re-programming

I went to see a holistic doctor today. The same one I’ve seen twice before. He performs this test on me to determine what it is that I need to make me better as a whole. I’m used to this. It is the only thing that has yielded lasting results in my life. I’ve dealt with minor (I say minor in comparison to other health issues out there) diseases/conditions like food and outdoor allergies, eczema and asthma. I’ve seen numerous medical doctors; both general and specialized (allergist, dermatologist etc.) and none have been able to help me the way that herbal medicine has. 

The doctor I saw today prescribed some supplements but he also prescribed something called “emotional re-programming.” It’s true, the methods used are unconventional to most people; and this particular bit threw me for a loop. The test itself is odd. I use the index and middle fingers of my left hand to apply pressure to different points on my body while the thumb and ring finger of my right hand create an ‘O’ that the doctor then tries to pull apart. ‘O’ intact is strong and a broken ‘O’ is weak. Based on my strength at each point, a supplement is added into my pocket for improvement. I know that sounds crazy, but experiencing it for myself and how well it has worked has convinced a skeptic like me.

Back to “emotional re-programming.” This part was something new. The same steps were taken put instead of applying pressure to a point on my body, I was told to say “Now, I can love myself” and “Now, I can be loved by others” three times each. This proved to be a very large weakness for me. Even when I was saying it, I didn’t believe myself; which is probably why the results were so apparent. I wanted that ‘O’ of my fingers to remain strong but it was broken quite easily. 

I don’t know how this man knew that my biggest weakness wasn’t a physical one but he definitely picked up on it. I started to tear up when I realized what everything that had just happened meant. After all these years, I still don’t know how to love me. I don’t know where to get the kind of self-confidence I see so easily in others. And I’ve been trying. 

Recently--with a big move from home and starting the new experience that is graduate school--my lack of belief, trust and love in myself has shown itself in multiple ways. My body is rejecting the nutrition that I thought was good for me and my mind is in a state of constant doubt, fear and confusion. I’m one of the many nervous twenty-something year olds who are clueless as to what to make life into. I want more than just a good job with financial stability. I want to DO something. I want to help people. I want to make the world a little better for somebody else. I just don’t know where to start.

This “emotional re-programming” requires me to repeat these affirmations: “Now, I can love myself, now I can be loved by others.” I must repeat them 3x each, twice a day while facing east and holding some concoction of herbs on top of my head. I must do this every day for 21 days and if I miss a day, I have to start back over at 1. Typing this out makes it seem that much more RIDICULOUS. But. Maybe it’s not. I believe in the basic idea of holistic practice and I do believe that our emotions can affect our physical health. Everything this doctor has told me to do has worked in the past, so maybe this will too.

In addition I’ve decided that in the 21 days, I’ll write about how I feel and whether or not it’s making a difference externally with my eczema flare ups. I also have to come up with 21 things that I love about myself--one thing for each day. I’m not sure if I can honestly do that but I’m going to try.