I grew up not knowing much about my mother. I talked to her once in a while, just those usual “Hello, how are you?” and “I love you,” conversations. I used to write her letters, telling her how much I missed her. My grandmother dictated the things I wrote, because I didn’t really know what to write to my mom. When I was growing up my mother wasn’t there when I needed her, instead it was my grandparents. I thought it was going to stay that way.
Then the news came to me. My mother would be coming back to the Philippines to take me with her to Canada. I was shocked, anxious, exasperated and sad. How could she enter my life and take me away from the people I grew up with? How could she take me away from the people I love? I was too ignorant, too young to understand why this was all happening; besides I was only nine years old at that time. I begged my grandmother to let me stay with her but she said it was for the better. I wasn’t convinced, but I had no choice. Everything was ready and there was no turning back.
I arrived in Canada feeling so out of place. Shouldn’t I be happy finally being with my mom? But I wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do when I was around her, or how to start a conversation. I resented her never being there when I was growing up. I resented her for the times I missed being with her. Honestly, I didn’t understand the whole thing and why it had to be this way. I guess I just never tried to give her the chance. Time was passing us by, I was growing up as a teenager and I started rebelling. My relationship with my mother was even worse than before. We were living in the same house, but it felt like we were strangers. I always started fights with her, talked back and I learned to lie. In my mind, I thought she was being unfair. She wouldn’t let me hang out with friends. My mom and I never really understood each other.
I think what I really wanted was time to spend together with her, or at least try to mend our broken relationship. After one heated argument, we started to talk. I told her how I felt; I explained what had been on my mind. My mom told me what was on her mind, and how she was worried for my safety. She told me that what she was doing was all for me, and for my future. That was when I realized that I was the one isolating myself from my own mother. She was working to earn money for me to have a decent life, but all I thought about was how I felt. She was trying her best to help me grow up as a disciplined and responsible person but I didn’t see it that way.
Although I still didn’t fully understand what was happening between us, I realized it was my fault. I was thinking only of myself and how I wanted to be treated, and how I should have what I wanted at all times. I failed through my own selfishness. Now as I think back on our past relationship, I have regrets about not trying to be closer to my mom. She made me realize that the world doesn’t just revolve around me and I have to consider that there are people who want to be part of my life. I wasted a lot of time on myself in the past years, at the same time slowly ruining our relationship. Now my mom and I are slowly mending our broken relationship.
