pumpking rambles don’t pay attention to it
you know, it’s kind of weird because last year was a nightmare. i realized a lot of things about my childhood, stuff that i had always dismissed as ‘yeah everyone does it it’s not a big deal you’re just being overdramatic again’ that turned out to be the ‘not everyone does it also it’s actually worrying and not healthy’ kind of stuff, and then the year in itself was terrifying for me, and even though in retrospect i guess it wasn’t that bad it still was enough to make me feel like i had lost a lot of stuff, including myself. but i got out (mainly by litterally moving 10000 km from there) and i thought yeah it’s going to be alright, nobody knows you, you don’t have to speak to the toxic people that you had to see every day in college, you will be okay and it’s going to be a great year
and i guess it kind of is? i traveled, made new friends, nobody remembers me as the weird girl with the anxiety crisis and all of the other stuff, i even tried to flirt with people and gain confidence
but even if there are good times, a lot of it is a bit weird. like i kind of feel so far away from people and from myself, and sometimes i just get sad for no reasons, and stuff starts coming back, and i just feel guilty for ruining my chance to be a better and stronger person
i guess it’s all part of the healing process, but it doesn’t feel like i’m healing... more like i stagnate. i don’t even know if i’m trying to heal, and it kind of bugs me. maybe i’m just doing it for attention and i like being sad and having crisis because it gets people to worry about me and boy is that a change, or maybe i’m just really weak and all it took was a miserable year for me to discover that everything i had based my life on was an illusion and instead of a passionate and determined person i’m just a coward who had it easy all this time and crumbled at the first difficulty
i don’t know, i really don’t
well, i still have six months to find out before i have to return to france. i guess i’ll just have to make the better of it
anyway sorry about that, i was ruminating grey thoughts for a while and i thought maybe writing and posting them would help to get them out of my head
