#purplemortuary

[purplemortuary]

Happy 37th Anniversary BUCK-TICK!

I little drawing I started when the Budokan photos were released... took a while... day job gets in the way of art...

www.instagram.com/purplemortuary

[purplemortuary]

Inspired by 📚

IG: purplemortuary

[purplemortuary]

In "honour" of this Amplifier TEE collab, I made a little illustration of Imai-San

🌈✨🙌

My Instagram

[purplemortuary]

A quick drawing from a sketch I did while watching "The Buck-Tick Syndrome" (劇場版バクチク現象)

[purplemortuary]

A little drawing of Sakurai-san

My Instagram

[purplemortuary]

She asked if he had missed her

He repeated the same question

But they never replied

So they never knew

Their arms were far apart

Close enough for a while

Far enough for the heart

"My heart wouldn't take it"

"My heart wouldn't know"

"If my heart wouldn't take it,

would your heart even know"

Lonely lights, dancing in the bedroom

Crying minds, waiting for a summer

Dying souls, in the arms of the night

By: Lucie

[purplemortuary]

So hello... again

I got lost it seems, my apologies although I know nowadays nobody reads this blog posts but I like to have a space to share my thoughts. When I was a kid I used to write so many stories, I had the biggest imagination and teachers would read my stories out loud. As in today I merely write songs and my thoughts here, so... journaling? I wonder what happened to my story ideas... maybe I got them all out as a kid and now I'm empty... anyways that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I've been quite low lately entering in an episode of bad mood and grumpiness which I hate. I've been working like crazy still not knowing what's gonna happen with my freelance clients which means stress is a core part of me as in "hey today you have money but tomorrow you won't be able to pay rent" and haven't had time to update completely my portfolio so that's fun. Little impostor syndrome is there too telling me "nobody's gonna hire you anyway, they'll think you're not qualified" and that's scary because most times I believe it.

I've been watching a show called Maid on Netflix while working and found it so interesting, obviously I can't relate to the part of being a single mum leaving an abusive partner but I can relate to having to separate from a partner, keeping the two cats we adopted together, not having anywhere to go and barely any money. And I slowly got better conditions, even better food for the three of us. And just like the protagonist it is ups and downs but we gotta keep moving right? I'm not in any way comparing myself to the protagonist because she has a lot going on and sometimes surprises me how much calm she is and just keeps fighting for herself and her daughter.

I find that sometimes it's useless to look for reasons and doing a self-phylosophy class with ourselves about how unfair the world is... sometimes we just have no choice but to keep moving forward and pushing ourselves. I'm quite depressed right now (not clinically I hope) and I find myself staring at walls cathatonically like I haven't in ages but I have to keep working, I have to feed me, feed my cats, clean the house, even if sometimes we suffer we must do things because we just have to. This is earth not heaven nor hell, can be both and sometimes just one at a time. I don't wanna waste my time thinking "what is my purpuse" or "I came to earth just to suffer" or "why couldn't I have it easier and my friends and family too", reality is that there is no purpuse and we can set ideas for the future and keep going.

That's what I've realised in these past weeks I've been quite self-isolated as the Manifesting Generator Herectic Investigator I am. I realised that I hear all the time people and even myself questioning everything and trying to find answers but sometimes we just have to accept reality and do the things we must do.

I find happiness in waking up and seeing my cats' faces, they are the closest I'll have to children and I worry about them all the time, many of the things I do are to buy them good food and other amenities. I buy good cheap food for me too, I was able to save so much money these months like never before in my life but the sad part of it is that I'm just doing it because I know maybe tomorrow a design client will say "no more" and I'll have to live out of those savings for maybe 2 months max. I'm saying it because I wish I was saving for a trip to Japan or something exciting like a concert or a new place for me and the cats outside of the city or even to leave the country. Sometimes I wish I had other people's problems that wouldn't involve me not being able to pay rent. I wish that if I lost my job I'd have a place to be but there's no use in thinking that way although sometimes I give myself a pep talk on how there are people who are actually single mothers struggling to feed their kid or people who are already homeless... wish we could all be born to this earth at least with a place for us to be without having to pay nobody for existing in that space.

That's it for now, I have to wake up at 9AM and it's 3AM now I'm trying to ignore math now and pretend I'll sleep 8 hours.

Goodnight.

[purplemortuary]

Is there somewhere/someone I should be?

I often think "I should be doing something else by now" or "I'm wasting my capabilities in a place that I shouldn't" or "I lost a relationship and now I'm alone, I shouldn't be alone even if I like it"

Like we are supposed to be someone we are not at the moment or that whatever we're doing doesn't count and it's just temporary.

Maybe it is temporary or maybe it's not, but why do we hit our heads with reality when we should be living in it right?

When I get this moments now I often ask myself:

• Do I hurt anyone by just being at this moment?

• Can I not feel guilty about being alone?

• Why is it so bad to just live without "purpose"?

The sooner I understand that life actually has no purpose and we stress over our own feeling of usefulness and societal pressure, the sooner I can try to be happy

Living slow is still living