#pxxp

[everydreamrecorded]

i had my mom come in my therapy session today and i told her i needed help to stop drinking

and she poured out my last bottle this afternoon while i napped (i asked her to do that during the session because i know i wouldn’t do it, i’d keep it ‘to cook with’ or some other bullshit) and she’s gonna take me to aa

i’m glad i told her but god, my dad is having a personal problem tonight and is yelling about it and i’d really love a drink!!!!!! and i’m mad because i have nothing!!!!!!!!!!! if i had something, if i’d stashed some somewhere i would be drinking it now for sure

[everydreamrecorded]

have i posted pics of my wire sculptures..... i made a two chickens and a cow. the cow was okay but the chickens were good shit, my professor loved them. during our critique he pointed one my little hens out as being what he meant when he wanted like i don’t remember exactly.. volume or something, like the feel of the thing there. some people made line drawings in the air basically, which is cool on its own but not what he meant.

i quit this class a few weeks later, partly because of general anxiety about leaving my room but that class in particular because i thought he was communicating to me through a piece of wood. like i can’t remember right now exactly but my next sculpture was going to be partly made of wood and he gave me a piece he had laying around and for some fucking reason i thought this was a message. a very personal message, and i didn’t think i could handle it so i quit going

[everydreamrecorded]

also yall cute girl at work quit..... i’m pretty sad, not only cause she was sweet but because she was a hard worker and we need good employees. and i say that as a low level manager who actually cares for my coworkers. i consider the people ‘below’ me as coworkers, they work just as hard as i do. some people slack off a little but  in general you know. this girl was good though, as in, knew what she was doing and would often come in extra when asked

i worry when i mention my job sometimes because i am a manager in retail. some people who are ‘below’ me call me boss, though sometimes i think it’s more a jokey friendly thing. i mean most of the people who call me boss will also sometimes tell me what to do lol, course i don’t have to do what they say. but they still try and mostly because they know what they’re doing, i am new-ish after all. 

anyways, i ask people to stay late but i don’t push it too much. my boss wants me to push harder, the way she asks people to stay it sounds too much like they should feel bad if they don’t. i don’t want them to feel bad if they can’t or don’t want to stay late. if you don’t wanna stay late, you don’t have to!!!! i wanna tell them, i don’t care dudes, stay if you can and want to because i/we need you but also like.. you got something else you need to do? you’re tired? you wanna like watch tv or something? go home friend and i mean that, i love these people and i want them to do what feels right

and i hate that my boss wants me to push harder. i’m not going to. i will ask people to stay late because we need them. i need them, like it makes me look better if the stockroom is clear when i leave. but these are good people, also even if they annoy me (and some of them do sometimes), they’re people and like they deserve to go home if it’s the end of their scheduled shift you know

and actually, i’m not as wordy with it but i do tell them this. i ask if they can stay late but if they say no, i say okay. i don’t push it and i know my boss does and would want me to. i won’t like.... if they can’t/won’t, they can’t/won’t. why make them feel bad, i don’t like that..

anyways.. i guess i’m trying to be um.. not all managers, not all bosses haha but maybe i shouldn’t worry too much. i am trying my best to be good to these people, my ‘subordinates’ or whatever. like i want them to feel good about what they’re doing but also you know, when we’re puttin trash in the compactor, we’re throwing trash in a hole, i’m not gonna dress that up lol. but like.. i treat them like i treat my fellow managers, because we’re all working hard and deserve kindness.

and higher pay which i’d give if i could...

[everydreamrecorded]

the new fallout 76 trailer has my hopes up, maybe it won’t be online after all? i remember before fallout 4 came out i was feeling terrible and i made a list of reasons to live and one of them was fallout 4, i wanted to at least get to it and play it. glad i’m still here but also i might have to make a new list and put 76 on it

[everydreamrecorded]

there were pictures...... i want to throw up. i don’t know what was in them, i didn’t see them. but i saw a girl a couple days later and she said she saw them, laughed a bit but in a.. not laughing at me but lmmm. sympathetic i guess, nervous laugh even, maybe, or maybe i’m seeing it that way now. idk but she wasn’t trying to be mean in bringing them up to me, she just let me know she’d seem them. 

she was super pretty too gosh..... big eyes, oh my god.., long dark hair + bangs

[everydreamrecorded]

i’m a stupid drunk bitch who needs help but i don’t know who to ask or what to ask or anything, god, do i have to wait til wednesday to ask my therapist about this shit. i need to spend my hour or so with her talking about past trauma haha i don’t have time in therapy right now for workplace crushes and cigar metaphors

[everydreamrecorded]

hello, my name is christine and i am pretty sure there’s some badness at the core of my self, like not physically at the gravitational center (??) but more like.. in my soul. i’m bad, there’s a badness there, an evil of some kind. it just is, it’s there, and sometimes it shows itself. i try to keep it in check, i try to be good and kind, but sometimes it comes out but it’s always there and i hate myself haha god

[everydreamrecorded]

i’ve decided to quit drinking. i buy too much but more importantly it’s not fun anymore, it was for a while - i could have one drink and feel good and just have fun. but now i just get sad and freaked out which isn’t good. i want to hide the habit more and more. the other night i ended up drunk and crying on the floor, don’t know exactly what i was crying about because i can’t remember!!! i fell asleep on the floor.....

so anyways, i’m quitting. already quit really, i drank the last of my last bottle two days ago, i think it was... friday. i’m happy with this decision. i wish i could have a drink, like one glass, once in a while but i can’t do that, i won’t. i know myself, it’ll escalate just like it did this time. i started out that way and i increased the number of times a week and the number of glasses each night until i’m having at least one drink every night, and then two or even three a couple nights a week. i know i’ll just keep increasing it and it’ll all get worse.

so friday was the last time because i can see it’s not an acceptable habit for me, i have to do what’s healthy for myself