Good evening Pissa Nation! It's been a hot minute since I posted anything related to any of my AUs. And to be honest, I missed it. I missed posting them, sharing the crumbs. So, I come to you with a bullet train thought I had for Detective AU.
The idea came to me during work and staying up past bedge time, so I apologize if some things don't make sense in this scenario. Like my previous posts on crumbs, content will mostly consist of dialogues, very little visual description, and a lot of banter between the emotionally constipated mofos. And pls note English is not my first language.
Content is below the cut, imma stop stalling, on with the chaotic duo!
============================
Pissa AU no. 004
Written : AUG 10. 2026
Shit summary : Phil is at his desk, eyes weary and tired, his glasses doing little to keep him focused on the papers in front of him. A cup half full of coffee, now cold at his side and the lamp left on and buzzing. He's struggling to understand this case, not sure how to find more clues or even a lead on how to catch them. Missa, who is carefree and feeling all is right with the world, walks in. Leaning against the doorframe, he looks at Phil in sarcastic pity. His hands holding a handful of freshly picked peas, opening and popping peas in his mouth, one by one.
============================
M : "Well, you look like shit."
P : "Not now Missa."
M : "Awe, is the detective having twoubles?"
P : "If you're gonna annoy me, how about you annoy me by helping with this case?"
M : "Uhm excuse me, I did help. I got you their location this morning didn't I?"
P : "Yeah, after they got what they came for. Thank you so much, for making my life easier."
M : "You know what would be easier? If you actually thought about how this guy works, and how they managed to-" there's a pause as he swallows, "-slip past you."
P : "If you're just here to give me commentary on my performances, there's no need. If you got nothing for me then just leave, I need to focus on-"
M : "You mean you don't want me to see you zoning out?"
P : "Fucks sake man, I swear-- the fuck are you doing?"
M : "Hm?"
P : "What is that. In your hands?"
M : "Changing the subject? Alright, I'll play. They're peas."
P : "Peas?"
M : "It's a vegetable, detective."
P : "I know what it is."
M : "Do you?"
P : "Why're you eating it from the pods? And can you not make a mess? I can see the leaves falling on my carpet."
M : "What's wrong with eating it from the pods?"
P : "You have bags of random shit in the fridge, last I checked there was a bag of frozen peas in there-- the fuckin' leaves, Missa!"
M : "I don't know, I like eating them from the pods sometimes. It's fun. I get to guess how many of them are in each pod. You should try it, bet it'll lessen the wrinkles on that face of yours."
P : "You're not gonna listen to me about the leaves are you. Why am I even-- wait."
M : "What? Oh yeah. Sorry about the mess-"
P : "No no, not that."
M : "I'm allowed to make a mess then?"
P : "No! Fuckin'- No! You can't make a mess, also go back to what you fuckin' said."
M : "I'm not gonna apologize twice detective, even if I didn't meant it."
P : "No you dickhead, the fucking-- the peas! The damn peas!"
M : "I'm not sharing, if you want some then go harvest some from the balcony."
P : "Oh my fuckin' God. I'm gonna have a headache."
M : "You weren't already?"
P : "The peas. What did you say. About the peas."
M : "I said a lot of things-"
P : "MIssa!"
M : "Inside voice detective."
P : "Oh my head. I'm gonna get a fucking migraine."
M : "...Pods."
P : "Pods."
M : proceeds to eat more peas.
P : "You said that you like opening the pods to see how many peas there are in each pod."
M : "Yeah, but I don't see how this relates to your case detective."
P : "No I mean-- so this thief. They call themselves the Tarot Holder."
M : "Right."
P : "And every time we tried to catch them, they were always ten steps ahead."
M : "In which you deduced that they had everything planned from point A to point B."
P : "Yeah but that's what's been bothering me."
M : "No shit, your trying to catch a thief. I'd be surprised if you didn't get bothered by it--"
P : "No no no. That's not what I mean. I mean how."
M : "You lost me."
P : "How can they make it from point A to point B so quickly?"
M : "You saw the map, they got every shortcut, street, and alleyways imprinted inside their heads."
P : "Yeah but how?"
M : "Alright, I think you need sleep."
P : "You're not seeing it. They. The Tarot Holders are referred to as 'they'."
M : "So? Never heard of a criminal having pronouns?"
P : "Can you just bear with me please?"
M : "I'm afraid to see what happens if I do."
P : "Okay I- look." [Phil quickly takes Missa by the arm and drags him to the pin board. Showing their recent findings and all that they've managed to gather surrounding the Tarot Holder]
M : "I'm not gonna listen to another step by step lesson, I know what the case has to offer already."
P : "Just fucking listen to me please."
M : "I'll humour you, if that helps you sleep at night."
P : "It will once I'm done telling you."
M : "Alright detective. Enlighten me."
P : "The Tarot Holder, thief known for being difficult to catch, having succeeded in multiple heists, they're first heist was--"
M : "Please detective, get to the point. I'm falling asleep."
P : "Tsk. Fine. Most recent heist, three diamond sculptures. Three sculptures, three different locations. Each location is nearly 10 klm from each other."
M : "Big distance."
P : "And yet they managed to get to those three locations in nearly half the time it would if they wanted to go to all three in one trip."
M : "So that's why you asked how. But again, you deduced it's because of the-"
P : "The shortcuts and road knowledge I know. But even with that knowledge it still doesn't make sense. They never had a vehicle. They didn't drive around the city, they used special tools and equipment to travel. Tools that still required them to physically move around the city. Our cars can manage to catch up with them between locations, and yet-"
M : "They still managed to slip away. So how."
P : "Peas."
M : "Que?"
P : "Not literal peas. The pods. You said you liked opening them to try and see how many there are in a single pod."
M : "I'm seeing circles, and this is related to the case because?"
P : "What if we're looking at this 'Tarot Holder' too literal?"
M : "... Go on."
P : "What if Tarot Holder isn't referred to just one person. What if the whole 'they them' thing isn't just their pronouns. What if it actually means there's--"
M : "More than one Tarot Holder."
P : "Pods."
M : "Still don't get how that relates."
P : "Tarot decks, tarot cards. Cards in general, when you buy them, you get a box full of cards. Peas, when they've matured, you get the pods and can open them and see how many is in each pod. So if using that ridiculous idea as the base for this fucking case--"
M : "Tarot Holder isn't a single thief. It's an entire deck."
P : "It's an entire group of thieves. It's not just one person, and that--!"
M : "That explains how they manage to get around the locations of their heists. They got their cards stationed somewhere near them, commit the act and-"
P : "Stage the whole thing like it's been done by one person and get away with all of it. Pods!"
M : "Pods.'"
P : "Fucking pods!"
M : "I don't know how you managed to connect two things that have nothing to do with each other, but congra-- where are you going?"
P : "To the station! I need to tell Fit!"
M : "You just discovered the Holder's secret, and half of that was because me, you're not at least gonna thank me?"
P : "I'll be back late! Don't touch my desk, and clean up the leaves!"
[Phil leaves the apartment, the sound of the door shutting echoes within the walls]
M : "Unbelievable. I help him out and he doesn't even give me a kiss thanks. Y'know what? Just for that? I'm not cleaning up those leaves. They can stay on his carpet."
============================
And that's all for these crumbs, hope you guys liked it. I really did miss just posting my thoughts out for these AUs, and writing about their different dynamics and roles in each world. With the Pissa famine going on I needed to cook something to feed myself, I miss them so damn much.
If you wanna read more content from this AU, check out these ramblings, in no particular order;
• "Blood Beneath Jeweled Eyes."
• Contract Rings
• Questions, Lies, and Truths
• The Beginning. With part 2 and 3
• "Stolen Father, Missing Dad"
• Strained Relationship
• From a smaller perspective
• Unwanted change
• Butterfly effect
• Goals and History
• Safety in Numbers
• Duality
• Exposed and Open
FINISHED! Took me a bit because I had to go fishing for the other posts. I forgot I have so much in here. Some of the titles in those are mostly place holders. Anyway, that's it for these Detective AU crumbs, hope you all enjoyed. Until the next one o7
==============
No reposting pls, reblogs are appreciated! <3
Calling Missa a "Wet Cat" is probably the closest Phil will get to giving him a nickname
Small rant:
I'm only saying this because the "Wet cat" thing to me never captured missa's entire character but only a piece of it specifically when he is around phil
