#queerqus

[adziedoodlesphan]

hey........so uhm. this is going to sound stupid but i dont know who else to talk to abt this??? so uh. ive been identifying as pan for a while now because i do find myself being attracted to people but at the same time,, i dont want a romantic relationship? i just think theyre neat . so ive also called myself aromantic a few times and i just??? dont know if that makes any sense.......and im just really confused :( sorry for rambling

hey!! not stupid at all! no need to apologise either! sexuality is a lot!

personally, I don't feel comfy deciding a label for you but the experience you described having did remind me of the label 'lithromantic' and what folks define it as! might help you figure some stuff out but please remember labels are just guidelines or a way to find community/comfort or even just communicate the complex feelings inside -- not anything that's meant to make you feel trapped ☺ and you can always fluctuate given the context (i.e. in some contexts I'd say I'm a lesbian, in most situations I just say gay/queer...in more intimate convos I'll say I'm ace... and sometimes i mention I'm all three! it really depends who I'm talking to / what I'm talking about!)

that all said, it's totally possible you could say you are pan and just... not want to engage further! after all, your feels are totally still valid and real regardless of whether you engage in any of the behaviours that usually come with attraction - like having a romantic relationship! ☺

i hope this helps anon ♡ lots of love to you this pride month!

[adziedoodlesphan]

isn't it fun how u can be ace AND aro AND somehow still like girls? (?????) (i don't understand my brain help lmao) (?????????????)

OK REAL TALK, it ok bud - there are other forms of attraction! like, sexual and romantic aren’t the only ways to feel! i personally don’t really experience sexual attraction but I can definitely confirm i experience sensual/aesthetic and occasionally romantic attraction to girls/nb folks (and sometimes guys or anyone else out there ahaha)….. plus there can always be exceptions too! we’re complex human beings and simple labels with simple definitions ain’t always gonna encapsulate how we FEEL and EXPERIENCE certain things. if you’re comfortable with labeling yourself as ace/aro overall - that’s cool~~! but remember that labels don’t mean you have to limit yourself - we mainly have them  to explain/communicate, in this case, a part of our experiences (with attraction) :) be curious! have fun! (but be safe too :0) it’s all part of being human!!

soz for the ramble but i hope this like helped your brain ahaha sexuality and everything can be so confusing because we have so many like assumptions of it (thanks to society WAH) and we crave to explain & name to make sense of it all :’))) when really :’))) nothing makes sense :’))) just go with the flow, y’know? that’s the conclusion i’ve come to :’)) lmao

[adziedoodlesphan]

Since when did it become cool on the internet (or at least on tumblr) for lgbt+ people to bash straight people as a means of celebrating/glorifying/promoting being lgbt+? I'm not asking this for the purpose of defending anyone lgbt/straight; it's just something that's crossed my mind lately that I guess I'm looking for others' opinions on.

I don’t think if it’s about ‘being cool’ or ‘promoting being lgbtq+’ - it’s more likely that people are just venting about issues they’ve faced with straight folks being ignorant/rude/hateful/aggressive/violent/etc. (even if that’s not their intention to be ignorant/rude/etc, the impact is still there… and more often than not, straight folks aren’t willing to take responsibility for the things they’ve said/done).

like, heteronormativity can be a dick to handle with in every day life so you’re gonna want to vent about that struggle somewhere else (online, in this case), ya know? 

idk imo, it’s hardly lgbtq+ folk’s fault for wanting to complain about people mistreating them for their sexual/romantic orientation. if folks want this ‘bashing’ towards straight folks to stop, then maybe straight folks should stop being ignorant/rude/violent/etc. etc. to lgbtq+ folks…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Overall, this isn’t just a ‘straight folks vs lgbtq+ folks’ issue - people in general need just be more aware of what they are saying (like, stop heteronormativity in this case, and idk…. stop killing lgbtq+ people :^)) and idk taking responsibility if they make a mistake that harms someone. Someone’s (those oppressed) feelings regarding their identity and parts of it (e.g. sexaulity, race, disablility etc.) is more important than another’s (the oppressors) pride and refusal to admit they are in the wrong.

TL;DR: lgbtq+ folks are most likely to ‘bash’ straight folks because it’s like when someone has been bullied for a long ass time and decides to overcome it by taking the piss out of their bully(ies). It’s very similar to reclaiming slurs and stuff like - it takes away the ‘power’ of the words/actions of the oppressors.

in other words, if people want victims of bullying the ‘bashing’ bullies to not happen -- don’t blame the victims and just stop the bullies.

[adziedoodlesphan]

odd question?? but What do you think of those gay guys that called everything a 'she'? (y'know the ones) If they call a transboy/nb 'she' would that be consider misgendering even tho they call cis boys 'she' too?? Or even if the trans folk is like "pls don't call me a she" but they keep fucking up bc is just the way they talk would that be considered being transphobic or rude even tho it has nothing to do with the person's gender??

I think it really depends on the individual these ‘gay guys’ use 'she’ towards - some trans men and/or nb folks may not mind... but some may do! Both for valid reasons!

As someone who’s genderqueer/non-binary, I can say it wouldn’t sit right with me personally. I already have to deal with being misgendered in every day life so, the context the ‘gay guys’ using it in wouldn’t really change how I feel about that. That being said, if we’re drunk/partying (lmao) maaaybe I’d be okay with it, because I can understand the difficulty with staying aware in an intoxicated state of mind, and getting caught up in the excitement :’) I think what my relationship with the person is would play a role in how I feel about it too...

But.......I definitely wouldn’t like it if I made it clear to them that I don’t want to be referred to as ‘she’ no matter the circumstance (which I do), because, regardless of how the intent may not be necessarily about gender, the impact those specific words can have can still be negative towards me - out of my control. It’s an emotional and mental response, not something I can just turn off/represses because of the intention the use of the word ‘she’ is differently than originally intended.

Again, this can be different depending who you ask/who is involved. If one is ever unsure, ask, or just, replace your words for the time being!!!

And, yes, if someone continuously misgenders someone else, even if it is a mistake, then it is rude/transphobic...or rather, the act of not being aware of what you’re saying and what impact that has, and thus not appearing to make an effort to correct that, is rude/transphobic.

It’s really not that hard to get used to - and the more you do it, the more practise that is, and thus, the more you’re likely not to fuck up! It’s all about awareness of what you’re saying and acting upon that to the best of your ability.

So, if someone has made it clear not to refer to them as a ‘she’ (or other terms that are typically surrounded in specific gender connotations)... People should make the best attempt not to - if they ‘fuck up’, they should apologise and make efforts to act on that apology (otherwise the apology is pretty pointless imo).

Sorry if I sounded a lil >:O in the end there, I’m not sure how else to word this without being direct/blunt ^^’ I promise you I’m not angry or anything... (I actually appreciate you asking rather than making assumptions so thank you for the message!)

If you have any other questions or if you wanna talk more about this, I’ll try my best to answer too ahaha :D I may have missed out some stuff here too ahaha...

If any trans folks/nb folks have any thoughts on the matter too - do share!

[adziedoodlesphan]

Okay! So I really need help something and that's my gender identity, so recently I've been struggling with who I want people to see me as and I think I might be gender fluid but I'm not sure and it's really stressing me out so I don't know if you could maybe help me come to a conclusion because I'm so confused,,

ngl i’m on the same boat buddy..... like I’ve found the most comfort in the labels genderqueer/non-binary but I’m still trying to figure out the rest of the gender stuff... It’s not easy (especially when we live in a ‘cisnormative’ world ...ew...) but like, we’ve got time, anon. Many say ‘gender is a journey, not a destination’... and i’ve found that is sooooo true because like, we’re constantly growing and changing - so our gender does too...or rather how we chose to present/express it/use it.... 

Although you may just be releasing the start of your true gender... it’s going to be okay. My best advice is to just, experiment with labels, pronouns, names, presentation and expression - have fun with it! see what works, doesn’t work - take it one step at a time too as like, I know you probably have an ‘ideal’ version of what you want to look like/be like, and although it’s not unattainable, it’s best to just take it slow for yourself to get used to these seemingly new things. You don’t have to force yourself to do anything you don’t want to, you don’t have to rush into things upon this self discovery either. 

i don’t use this label/tag anymore but it may help you figure out some stuff as I posted my whole journey to figuring out i was genderqueer there :) amongst the queer lols in these tags as well, you may find some other helpful resources. if you have any specific questions or want to elaborate on your gender experienced, I’d love to help out in anyway i can - sometimes just talking to someone having a similar experience to you can make it less confusing/difficult.

Sorry if this was all over the place, I just want to reassure you that label you find comfort in, whatever you identify as, however you present/express yourself - it’s okay. you’re okay you’re valid. you’re not alone. there is still so much time for you to figure it out :) 

ly lots xxo feel free to keep me updated on how you’re doing!!! 

[adziedoodlesphan]

so i use a iphone & safari's history has things that if my parents read it, it would make them know i was nonbinary. i can't clear my history because the "clear history" button is grey. also i dont know the restrictions password to delete safari or fix it or anything because my dad made the restrictions password. please help what do i do im so scared

ahhh... i’m not sure how to ... get rid of it... I’m so sorry. Maybe just say you were looking it up becasue you heard about it and was curious? They may not immedately tie it to you being non-binary.

although, in the future, use the ‘private’ mode on safari - it doesn’t keep any of your browsing history!!!!

I’m really sorry for the late reply - I really hope you’re safe and okay! Please update me on how you’re doing xx

[adziedoodlesphan]

hey dadzie, first of all i just wanted to say that ur awesome and vv sweet,, second of all i just wanted to know,, can ace people have sex dreams?? cause i've never rlly experienced sexual attraction when i'm awake, and even if i'm totally ready to do the do in my dream, the moment i wake up, any desire i felt is entirely gone. thank u!

aw thank you lovely that’s v nice of you to say :)

and yeah for sure~! I’ve had my share of sexual dreams - I may be acespec 99.9% of the time but I can’t deny I have curiosities of sex? Not necessarily desires but just like, I think about a lot of sexual ‘what if…?’ scenarios … so I can understand if those thoughts are more prevalent in your subconscious (hence why these thoughts are expressed in your dreams).

Like, dreams are often said to be your brain’s way of playing out ‘possible’ events and how it could go about handling them (this may be why folks have a lot of anxiety dreams, it’s one way in which your body prepares for nerve-racking circumstances). 

Again, your subconscious may be thinking amongst it’s variety of thoughts ‘what if i DID experience sexual attraction and act out accordingly?’ it doesn’t necessarily mean you DO feel sexual attraction or even want to act it out and you’re just denying it.

While attraction can lead to thoughts, they aren’t necessarily linked. I think you’ll find many ace folks think about sex (for whatever reason) but doesn’t necessarily experience any kind of sexual attraction. Much like how attraction can be separated from behaviour- - some acespec folks may have exceptions and experience some sort of attraction but not necessarily want to act out on it.

Either way, it’s okay to have sex dreams. It doesn’t invalidate your everyday experience with attraction. It’s totally normal/natural because it’s something you are experiencing - it’s normal/natural to you - and I think you’ll find very common!

I hope this clarified some stuff - of course, I’m only speaking from my own experience and observations of attraction and such so I can’t really say i’m right but it’s very hard to determine a right/wrong with sexuality and stuff because everyone experiences such differently~~ just know that it’s okay to dream, to think, to feel, to experience stuff - it’s all part of being human.

Also, there’s always the possibility that dreams mean nothing :D either way, you’re good m8!

Soz for the ramble ahaha

[adziedoodlesphan]

dadzie i'm fuckin gay and non-binary how do i come out to my family because like they're supportive but i'm not sure they understand what non-binary means???

i’m in this exact struggle (although I’m out as gay) and i’m not entirely sure how to advise this just yet sorry :(