Rain Spiders and Diamonds and Happy Things
I don't seem to write enough about when I'm happy.
Right now, I am very happy. Sitting in Julia's studio, resurrecting Tegan and Sara (I haven't listened to them in about two years), drinking tea and ashing into an old tea pot. There's a giant dead spider sitting on the mattress underneath the windowsill. It's quite disgusting. Or it was, until I told Julia that it looks kind of tropical, sun tanning underneath the windowsill. Perhaps it died happy. Maybe it died cuz of the cruciatus curse. You never know.
I had an incredible time at church on Sunday. I seem to start the morning by sitting in the designated smoking section (our church is held at a primary school and even primary school teachers smoke), sipping my black coffee and singing to myself. I don't know why I do this. I often really enjoy spending time alone. I often end up singing to myself. I like to sit outside church having a cigarette and singing while they do the announcements and then come in just before worship.
Last Sunday I went up for prayer. I was like, I'm tired of all this shit. Let me put my money where my mouth is. It was amazing. She kept telling me to let go, which is really hard for me. But I was like, "I know that God wouldn't make me do anything that I don't want to. I need to trust Him. I need to say yes, I believe these things about Him so now I'm going to trust these things that I believe about Him." I just let go. It was so nice.
She said to me, "You're like a diamond. You know how they need to cut diamonds to show off their perfection, their inner beauty. You have to be really skilled to cut diamonds. You need a diamond to cut diamonds. You're like a diamond, perfect as you are, your inner beauty apparent."
She said that I don't need to change. I don't need to try become what I think I should become.
"You are significant. You are important. It has nothing to do with your giftings - you are significant as you, as a person. Just because you are."
oh fuck, Julia just told me that that's not a dead spider. That's its shedded skin. I feel like I'm going to be paranoid for the rest of the day.
OH FUCK IT'S A RAIN SPIDER.
