Apparently I’m a bad mother.
My boyfriend and I got into a really bad fight with his mom at the beginning of January. She lives in our basement. The matter it was over was actually fairly small, but it just kept escalating. Eventually it boiled down to I’m a bad mother, but at least my boyfriend tries to be a good father.
And ya know, I have always prided myself on the ability to always be the bigger person. To let things go, to try and not make things worse. This is getting harder the older I get, but I still think I do a pretty good job.
I was so shocked I didn’t say anything. I still haven’t. She apologized to him that day “for everything” and they made up. Which is fantastic, that’s his mom. But she never apologized to me. And in her head I know that everything is just fine now. And it really has been since then, it hasn’t happened again, so really I’m the only one that’s still dealing with this.
The reason why THAT’S a problem, is because now that’s all I hear in my head. All. Day. Long. If I try and get extra sleep, my brain says that’s because I’m a bad mom and I’m trying not to spend time with my kids. If I leave my daughter for 5 extra minutes so I can go to the bathroom or clean something up real fast, my brain says I’m a bad mom how dare I leave her strapped in. And every little thing I do makes me question my abilities as a mother. And for those of you who are mothers, you know/can imagine how that feels.
Finally the other day I took a trip to my parents’ house. I was in a hurry and forgot to change my daughter out of her jumper so I put on her big coat and boots and grabbed a couple blankets to tuck her in to stay warm (she’s almost 2). First thing my mom says, “Why is she not wearing pants?” I said, “That’s why I brought her a couple blankets, she’s completely warm.” “But she’s not wearing pants.” “Thank you mom, but I brought her blankets.” It’s not like I let her out with no coat or shoes, I made sure she was perfectly warm.
She left and then my dad said the same thing. I finally snapped.
“I know how to dress my kid, Dad!” I never snap at my parents, ever. He just kinda looked at me, not with anger, just surprise. “Where did that come from?” he asked. I told him I was just tired and that I was sorry. I never told them about what she had said to me. But all I could do was cry.
Then I went into Barnes & Noble to get a coffee. My son started freaking out so I got his formula out to make him a bottle (he’s 8 months). As I’m pouring water and getting formula in, an older woman walks by and tries to coo at him to cheer him up, which is fine, I love to show off my babies cause they’re adorable. Next thing out of her mouth? “Aww, is your mommy ignoring you?” ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME. I just looked at her and was like, “he’ll be okay, he’s just hungry...which is why I’m making a bottle right now.”
So here’s the deal. I’ve kind of had it with people saying crap like that to me. At all. My children are beautiful, happy, healthy, very well fed, taken care of as far as things they need, and loved beyond belief. My kids are my everything. Not to mention, I see doctors almost every month, if not every other month between check ups, sickness, and my daughter’s special appointments because of her condition. Doctors see my children all the time and are perfectly aware of how well they’re taken care of.
More than anything, I just hate that it has impacted me like this. People say a lot of hurtful things when they’re angry, and I think that sometimes that’s normal. It’s not the first fight I’ve been in, and it definitely won’t be the last. I hate that I let someone’s else’s pettiness interfere with how I see myself and more than anything I just wish I could find a way to get over it. I’ve been having a hard enough time with my PPD that this is the whipped cream and cherry on top.
Anyways, rant over. I’m not trying to bash her or anything like that. I actually really love his mom. She’s very smart and she teaches me a lot. Everyone fights at some point. I just wish I could forget about it.
