To be alive, she ended her life.
She used to be just a lost girl, barely hanging on but still going. Because of something that happened a long time ago, the girl grew a garden of hatred within her. It's funny how she can remember all the bad things that happened to her as a child while forgetting all the good ones, all the love she received, all the kisses on the forehead from her parents, all the smiles and laughter. The incident had a significant impact on her, turning her into a gardener of hatred.
She'll be asking "why am I still here?" every time she wakes up, that's how ungrateful she is. All she wanted to do was disappear. She only prayed for God to take her, even if it meant going to hell. She received no aid because, at heart, she was a young girl, but in everyone's eyes, she was an adult. She was kind, loved, strong opinionated, and has a very high pride, that's how she comes across. She wishes for someone to reach out and extend a hand to her, but everyone has let her down; it wasn't their fault, of course; it was because she continues to act and portray a stable character that no one has noticed the struggle she withhold, so she writes a poem that only she can understand, a poem that is as messy as she believes she is.
She was so fed up with being wrong that she developed an obsession with being right, so she manipulated everyone, but no one knew because it was her secret that only she knew. She's the type of girl who will not let anything stand in her way of doing something to please the masses. She is afraid that if she does not act this way, everyone will abandon her, so she spends her days being someone that she doesn't like. Despite her flaws, she truly cared for and loved her friends, even if she still felt taken for granted after all of that. Instead of talking it out, she became enraged and began hurting her friends' feelings; luckily for her, they stayed, but they became toxic towards each other.
It was a night in September 2021 during quarantine, and she was crying in the bathroom like any other night after studying for a scholarship exam. She was having a lot of flashbacks from her friends, families, and the incident, and she kept asking herself, "Where did I go wrong?" and "What did I do to deserve all of this?" but it wasn't new to her; her night was always like this, going to the bathroom because she was breaking down while her family had their own world outside the door, and she had grown accustomed to it because the thing about mental health is that no one notices if you're suffering from it.
The only thing new about that night was her decision to end her life. She had never considered suicide before because she was afraid of pain, but that night she decided that if she failed her exam, she would end her life. The last thing she wants is to be a letdown, even though everyone always let her down.
She was so certain that she was going to end her life that she begged God for forgiveness for what she believed she had to do. I believe a divine intervention occurred when she began to open up to her brother, close relatives, and family and was given the enlightenment that she required. At first, she didn't believe them and was still adamant that she could cope on her own until she heard her brother say "if you have Allah in your life, you won't be like that... There are people who claim to believe when they really don't." his words pierced her heart, and she remembered her dream about being asked to pray again; it was a beautiful dream because she wasn't forced to pray, but was asked politely by her brother in the dream.
To make a long story short, she surrendered to Allah and became me. Alhamdulillah, I can finally say, "I am Islam, and I have Allah." It's incredible how I learned to surrender everything to Allah because now I trust and love Him so much that I accept everything He has presented to me. I learned to be patient, grateful, accepting, forgiving, letting go, and finding beauty in everything. I'm no longer afraid of losing anyone, or of being disappointed, because I know I have Allah, and He is sufficient for me.
I know you're exhausted just getting in here, but I have to let everything and everyone go because everything here hurts you. You don't have to be afraid anymore because you have nothing to fear, we've been found so you can let go now. Thank you so much for hanging in there; I know I'm still far from being the ideal adult you seek, but don't worry, I'm still changing and growing day by day with Allah's (SWT) guidance.
I want you to know that I love you and I am sorry for hating you before, even when I knew you were just a child.
