Np:
Lana Del Rey - 24
John Mayer - Gravity
Daughter - Landfill
1:25 a.m.
We were in the middle of the empty road. It wasn’t that empty, three or five cars we could see, wasn’t that much. The beginning of April; I was in the bunch of assignments, and he almost reached his due of target. But we both didn’t really care. We both agreed to be a couple of scumbag (sorry) who didn’t even give a fuck (sorry) of their responsibilities.
At least just once. Just this time.
We grinned and got into the car back then, and just ride.
Like what Lana Del Rey always does when she’s in the war with herself (she said).
I remember, I was in the war with my desire, my stupid hope of him, my life-regret. My stupid breakdown because I thought he wouldn’t come back to me like forever. My stupid jealousy of seeing him being so happy without me. Without us. And that was all about him in my head, I tried so hard to just-ride it.
But wow… I really could use a million people’s help.
“I can guess what you are thinking right now.” He, the man who drove, sat next to me and grinned like a boy.
“You don’t have to guess. You know it already.” I murmured.
“What are you thinking about him?”
“So much. He was the first who got me adored about him, he was so good and welldone to make me feel like I was so precious. He threw my nightmares away. He didn’t let me to paint sadness on my face. He gave a damn of a very single things about me. He walked and talked so gently, I could even think no one could do the same. He was everything. He is.”
“Until now.”
“Until now and then.”
He shrugged. “That ain’t good, lady. You can’t get away from the idea of him.”
That was the first time I got stoned by what he said.
The idea of him.
Until I realize that people could change. They could change their vision and mission, their personality, their habit, their passion, their mind, their heart, their own rules, even their faith. I wouldn’t be aware if the driver didn’t say that: the idea of him.
I should’ve known that he was changed. Yet I should’ve known that how much he’s been changing, that boy, that ‘idea’ was still in there.
But I might waste my time hoping him to be back. He was back and my universe changed, turned to be up from the down. And he changed his mind and left me. And he changed his mind again and wanted us to be back.
The driver told me then, “please, now you can’t follow your desire, you can change your clothes, you can flip your hand, but this is about your life. I know choosing ain’t that easy, that’s why you have to rest this time. And this is not only because I love you, I want you to recognise what you want and need. I want you to find yourself. Give him space. Give yourself space. Remove the idea of him or even the idea of both of you. Past is different, you both were still young. Please. Please be grownups who’s not only think about the future, but also the asset of it. Don’t let him ruin hisself, don’t let you ruin yourself. Let’s be in peace for a while.”
And I got stoned again.
But in my head, I answered it, “okay.”
Because I know that everything is supposed to be okay. Sooner or later.
