The Great Marxist Purge of 2025
The Great Marxist Purge of 2025: When the DNC Mistook a Resignation for a Revolution
A Mild Email, a Major Freakout When Randi Weingarten resigned from her Democratic National Committee post, it should have been a footnote. Instead, it triggered a weeklong panic spiral among party moderates, right-wing media, and one particularly alarmist group chat titled “Not Another Bernie Situation.” Her resignation was thoughtful, measured, and typed in Calibri. But within hours, a dozen Substacks, five cable news panels, and exactly one off-Broadway musical-in-progress had branded it “The Marxist Purge of 2025.” The message was clear: if you’ve ever said the word “equity” or liked a Ben Wikler tweet, you might be one espresso away from joining a digital gulag. Blue Dogs and the Oatmilk Revolution Moderate Democrats seized the moment to introduce a new ideology called “Blue Dog Marxism,” a policy framework that includes universal healthcare but only for golden retrievers, and a sliding-scale tax bracket based on vibes. They launched the new platform at a Cracker Barrel in Peoria. Sen. Joe Manchin, sipping from a thermos labeled “Coal is Life,” explained, “We believe in sharing—but only snacks, and only if the person next to you paid for gas.” The press release clarified their stance: “This isn’t Soviet-style Marxism. It’s more like brunch socialism—redistribute wealth, but let’s keep the French toast flowing.” DNC Staffers Star in Their Own Netflix Thriller Inside the DNC’s headquarters, Ken Martin began behaving like a man auditioning for the role of “The Guy Who Definitely Isn’t Starting a Purge.” Witnesses say he wore a trench coat. Not a metaphorical one—a real one, made of pleather and anxiety. One intern reported that Martin began every meeting with, “Comrades, I mean—uh—colleagues…” Netflix optioned the rights to the internal email chain within 48 hours. The working title: “Moderates in Peril: The Latte Coup.” Meryl Streep signed on to play Weingarten. Adam Scott will portray a nervous spreadsheet. Revolutionaries with Reusable Straws Meanwhile, outside of DNC HQ, self-identified revolutionaries were meeting in candlelit cafes to sip sustainably sourced kombucha and debate land redistribution between Instagram breaks. One activist, Dakota Rain Applebaum, said, “We’ve moved beyond storming the Bastille. Now we schedule Google Calendar invites to discuss the Bastille’s environmental footprint.” A TikTok account called @RedForEd2.0 posted a viral video titled “10 Marxist Tips for Your Next Vision Board.” The comments were mostly confused boomers and enthusiastic MFA students. Red Flags, Literally and Figuratively Suddenly, red clothing was suspect. Staffers whispered about who wore burgundy intentionally. One DNC communications advisor claimed someone had “folded a napkin too collectively.” Martin, paranoid, allegedly banned red ties from official meetings and asked security to “monitor for excessive collectivist color palettes.” In response, Weingarten mailed him a fruit basket full of red delicious apples. It was labeled: “Not a threat. Just vitamins.” Pep Talks and Paranoia A leaked transcript of Ken Martin’s internal pep talk included phrases like: “If you hear someone humming The Internationale, report it to HR.” “If anyone tries to form a cooperative spreadsheet, shut it down.” “Stop saying ‘comrade’ ironically—it’s not funny anymore.” The PowerPoint attached to the talk was titled: “Avoiding a Soft Coup in 10 Simple Steps.” Step six was “Cancel karaoke.” Public Polling Spirals into Absurdity Gallup released a snap poll asking: “Do you believe teachers’ unions are a front for international socialism?” Thirty-nine percent responded “probably,” while twenty-one percent wrote in “only on casual Fridays.” One Florida mayor held a press conference with a whiteboard explaining how preschool funding leads to Venezuela. He used finger puppets. Even CNN ran a chyron: “Are Pencils the New Sickles?” Gen Z Leaves, but Not Quietly David Hogg, America’s most telegenic debate club revolutionary, stepped away from his DNC role citing “a lack of commitment to progressive primaries and even less commitment to vibe curation.” His resignation was delivered via TikTok. The video featured Hogg reading the Communist Manifesto in a bathrobe while Taylor Swift’s “Enchanted” played in the background. It was captioned: “Maybe I’m the Marxist your mom warned you about.” The video was viewed 4.8 million times. Glenn Beck called it “a declaration of war.” BuzzFeed called it “iconic.” Wikler’s Quiet Cult of Comradeship Ben Wikler, Wisconsin’s party chair and progressive dad-core icon, became the next target of scrutiny. Supporting him, it seemed, was now a “gateway position” toward full Marxist cosplay. One anonymous staffer said, “If you’ve ever said ‘Wikler’s data was compelling,’ you probably believe in public libraries and hugging your barista.” In Washington, a rumor circulated that Wikler had once corrected someone’s pronunciation of ‘Trotsky.’ He denies the accusation. School Supplies Now a Radical Agenda The American Federation of Teachers was drawn into the scandal when a memo asked Congress for “safe classrooms, adequate funding, and working door locks.” Commentators immediately dubbed it “The Manifesto.” One cable anchor shouted, “What’s next? Math textbooks quoting Marx?” In an emergency press briefing, the AFT clarified that they “support equitable education, not economic revolution—though we do want both chalk and dignity.” School boards across Texas began replacing textbooks with coloring books titled “Freedom Is a Pizza Slice You Earn.” Committee Meetings or Counterrevolution? Behind the scenes, DNC Zooms took a turn. Breakout rooms were renamed things like “Comms Strategy” and “Community Defense.” Someone added a slide to a deck that included the phrase “late-stage capitalism,” and an email went out warning that “political language should avoid phase transitions.” A staffer from New Jersey hosted a lunch-and-learn titled “Are You a Useful Idiot or Just Efficient?” Attendance was strong. In a rare moment of unity, everyone agreed to remove the word “solidarity” from Slack reactions. Satire Becomes a Working Memo As if to parody itself, the DNC accidentally leaked a draft strategy document titled “How to Engage Left-Wing Voters Without Sounding Like You Read Theory.” Tips included: “Use the word ‘bold,’ not ‘radical.’” “Avoid direct eye contact with anyone quoting Chomsky.” “Never reference ‘the means of production’ during brunch.” A separate page listed “safe” economic phrases like “upward mobility,” “community investment,” and “vibrant neighborhoods.” “Cooperative ownership” was crossed out in red ink. More Unions, Less Uniformity Ironically, this so-called purge revealed just how un-unified the left actually is. Teachers want funding, activists want Medicare for All, and consultants want a third round of bagels in the break room. The accusation that unions are collectivist became the punchline of their press releases. One headline read: “Collective Bargaining ≠ Collective Farm.” In a televised interview, a kindergarten teacher explained: “We’re not Marxist. We’re just tired.” The chyron read: “Union Boss Lady Admits Fatigue—Revolution Imminent?” The Polite Revolution Weingarten’s resignation was so polite it included a thank-you to DNC interns. She returned her office keycard with a handwritten note: “Good luck!” There were no slogans. No fiery press releases. No matching berets. Just a quiet step aside and a faint whiff of disappointment. Still, conspiracy theorists dubbed it “The Velvet Guillotine.” One tweet read: “First she leaves the committee. Next she nationalizes brunch.” At DNC HQ, a secretary whispered, “It’s not a revolution. It’s a Tuesday.” When in Doubt, Call It Marxism In 2025, the word “Marxist” became so watered down it now includes anyone who shops at Trader Joe’s without guilt. Heritage Foundation staffers released a guide titled “Spotting Marxists in the Wild.” Symptoms included: Bike commuting Owning more than one canvas tote Reading fiction The final page just said: “If they care, beware.” The Takeaway: This Isn’t a Purge, It’s a Party Realignment in Red Lipstick In the end, no one was exiled. No committees were overthrown. No TikTok Marxist youth militias seized the Capitol—although one did create a viral dance set to the phrase “smash the patriarchy.” The DNC remains intact, albeit a little jumpy. Martin is still chair, still trench-coated, still terrified someone will quote Rosa Luxemburg at a luncheon. Weingarten returned to union organizing. Hogg launched a startup called “CivicTok.” And Ben Wikler is reportedly writing a memoir titled “Wisconsin Nice: Leading Without Lenin.” As one aide put it, “If this was a purge, it came with scented candles and kale.” What the Funny People Are Saying “If you leave a Zoom call with dignity, they call you a revolutionary now.” — Ron White “Everyone’s scared of Marxists, but no one can spell proletariat without autocorrect.” — Jerry Seinfeld “It’s not a purge if it ends in a potluck.” — Sarah Silverman “They feared the hammer and sickle. Turns out it was just a glue stick and a planner.” — Larry David “Marxists don’t ghost committees. They write 12-paragraph resignations with citations.” — Amy Schumer Auf Wiedersehen.
The Great Marxist Purge of 2025 When the DNC Mistook a Resignation for a Revolution Read the full article
