#randomly occuring thoughts

[kayeyarehl]

R.O.T. #57

I only have a few minutes left before my first day of being 25 ends. I didn't sulk pre-25! I am actually crying at 25 because i am just so happy! I must say that this birthday is definitely one of the best. I’m sure 25 is going to be a great number to live for.

- I still have the best boyfriend ever. - I’ve reconnected with the bestfriend whom I’ve regretted losing. - I have a job. It has shitty pay, but i still have a job. - I am still alive and well.

I dont need a cake nor many gifts. I would be extremely satisfied that 25 started extremely well. I’m ready to become more mature. I’m ready to love some more and also love myself even more. I’m ready for a new chapter.

Thank you, world, for being so good to me. I’d like to live another year filled with happiness and love and of course, with my loved ones with me still.

C'mon, 25. Let’s get sickening! :)

[kayeyarehl]

R.O.T. #37

I've made friends on League, and one of them told me words that I love hearing.  "You're our friend" 

He has no idea how much those words mean to me.  

Yesterday,  I was feeling lonely because I felt friendless, but when I read those words, I felt overjoyed.  They maybe far from me, but I feel so wanted. 

*sigh* I wish they live closer to me, so I can show them how amazing of a friend I am. :) 

[kayeyarehl]

R.O.T. #36

Watched Into The Woods today, and I thought it was a pretty good movie.  It was a bit dark, like it's not the usual light-hearted kind of mood for Disney films.  

There was a part in the movie when Cinderella is singing to Jack and The Baker was singing to Red Riding Hood, and the song is called No One Is Alone. I teared up.  I wanted to hold back my tears so bad but some fell. 

I always feel so alone, and I have to remind myself that I have a wonderful mom and an amazing boyfriend.  I barely have any friends.  I rarely go out.  I rarely let out my emotions to someone else aside from my boyfriend.  I know that people are in a worse position than I am, which is why I don't usually complain about my 1st world problems.  Still, I can't shake the feeling the solitary feeling. 

I am quite independent, but when I see that people are having fun with their many friends, I start to think about how my life would be if I had many friends to hang-out with.  I want go to dance festivals with friends.  I want to be loud in clubs with friends.  I want to plan road trips, etc. 

I miss when my friends would come to my house late at night because they want advice from me. I felt so wanted. 

I was quite emotional throughout the song because I was thinking about what If I didn't have a boyfriend and a mother? I don't really have anyone else to run to.  I have "friends", but let's face it, they got shit to worry about, and I really should be the last person they wanna hear from.  

I miss the people I've loved in the past.  They made me feel wanted and loved even for just a short amount of time.  Hopefully 2015 will be a good year for me to meet new people and gain friends. 

I may seem content being alone, but sometimes, I want people to accompany me even for just 10 minutes or something.  

[kayeyarehl]

R.O.T. #35

GOOD FUCKING NIGHT!!!! :D 

Well, it turns out... My boyfriend called me on my phone as I was about to drift into the dreamland and asked me to look out my window.  I was extremely surprised to see him outside, and I couldn't contain my joy and just started giving him kisses despite the low temperature outside.  

I quickly took him into my room and into my arms to shower him with more kisses.  I invited him to bed, but he wanted to take off all of his clothes because he wanted to get comfortable. 

This guy... I just fall deeper in love with him.  He got me SHOES for my XMAS present!!! UGH. SO NICE. I definitely sucked his dick for that. SHOOOOOOOO lol

Anyways, tonight is definitely a night to remember.  It's the first time he really really surprised me, and I was overjoyed. 

I hope you guys are having an amazing night.  :) 

[kayeyarehl]

R.O.T. #32

I wish someone would be proud of me and show me off to their friends and families.  

When I was young, sure, I was celebrated, but as I got older, everyone seems to be forgetting about me.  Yes, I am used to it, but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the attention.  Shit, i need it. Lol 

I'm the type of person to be proud of people I am close to.  I'd make a blog post about them.  I'd post a picture of them with me on IG / Facebook.  I want my world to know that the person I am proclaiming about on blogs or any social media is definitely worth it.  

I really miss my friend Heather.  She was the only one who would be so proud of me that she wants to show me off to her family and friends.  She didn't care if I was gay.  She'd introduce me to her family as her gay boyfriend LOUD and PROUD. 

She always expressed to me that she loves me and was proud of me. 

Now, even I don't give attention to myself.

Sigh

[kayeyarehl]

R.O.T. #30

I am so jealous of people who has friends from their childhood or friends that they've been friends with a very long time.  I don't have that. 

We didn't move that much, but moving from one house to another is always a downfall for me.  

I had childhood friends when I lived back in Quezon City, Philippines.  I remember playing Tekken 1 with my friends Adrian, his sister, and his cousin, JM. Adrian's dad had a small store next to their store, and sometimes, I would watch his dad play Resident Evil because I was so bored.  

When we moved from Quezon to Taguig, it feels like it was always raining there.  My friends were people from school.  We didn't even stay here as long because after a few years, we had to move to the U.S.  

The friends I made in middle school got lost because I went to a different high school.  The friends I made in high school... are nowhere in my friend's circle.  The co-workers that were literally friends of mine do not talk to me as well.  

I had best-friends, but we've all drifted apart. 

Now, I only have a very few close friends. I miss having someone over at my house because they just wanted to hangout and they're close-by.  I miss having a gang of people to party with.  I miss feeling like I actually belong somewhere because it has always been me, myself, and I.  I miss someone crying their hearts out to me because something bad happen to them.  I miss caring for people.  

[kayeyarehl]

R.O.T. #29

I've been on my boyfriend's League account trying to get him to GOLD V, so he can get a free Morgana + her Victorious skin.  I noticed that he has so many people online, yet I've never gotten invited to a game.  I also noticed that whenever I play with him, I ask him to invite some of his friends on the game with us since he has many, but he doesn't want to or he doesn't like playing with them. 

I don't get it.  It's also the same with people's high amount of friends on Facebook or high amount of followers on Tumblr.  I mean, how many people do you really interact with? How many of these people actually care about you? How many of these people do you actually like playing with? Have a conversation with? 

Throughout my life, I've learned that quantity =/= quality.  I love having very few, but amazing close friends.  I used to have like 800 friends on Facebook, but I dont talk to them anymore.  The more I thought about my 800 friends, the more depressed I got the majority of these people don't even care about me because if they did, they would interact with me the way I interacted with them. 

Sometimes, I feel like cleaning up after my boyfriend, not just in a sense of cleaning his room, but filter out the people that he doesn't need... but who am I to do that? I guess he has to learn the hard way like I did, but will he? He's stubborn as fuck. hahaha I love him though.  And that fool just unfollowed then followed me back..... sketchy. 

[kayeyarehl]

R.O.T. #28

A good way to rethink your decision whether breaking up with your significant other would be necessary or not is if you imagine seeing him / her with someone else.  Would it cut you like a knife or it wouldn't bug you at all? 

Lately, my boyfriend and I have not been on the best terms.  I was hurt badly, and I felt like things weren't mending right.  I would feel uncomfortable talking to him from time to time after our dilemmas.  I was so hurt that I even thought about breaking up with him. 

But when I thought about him being with someone else, it broke me down.  I couldn't stand to see the sight of him being hugged by someone else.  I couldn't stand to see him passionately kiss another man.  

I've lost my way, but I finally found the path again.  There will always be hills and bumps to mess with your smooth ride, but you've got to focus.  I love this man more than anything.  I won't be able to forgive myself if I just gave this guy away to someone else.  I'll always find a way back to you.  

I knew I loved you from the very first time I looked into your eyes.  I still love you, and I always will. I'm sorry for losing my way, but I'm here ready to fight for you.