eee its aroace week, im under the umbrella, i dont experience romantic feelings or physical attraction beyond admiring the beauty and the aesthetics of the human body and its variety, which i thought was sexual attraction until i understood the difference, one can admire beauty without sexual input. I've always only enjoyed the thought of intercorse, the spicy fantasy of it, like the way I'd watch sky diving for sport with my hands near covering my eyes, totally enjoying the second hand thrill but will never place my self in a position of trying it– it even acts as a repellent to me instead of a lure the more i learn about it, and i have learned so much because as it goes, I thought there's something wrong with me.
I understand the need of others to have love, be loved and to have someone be their own, but I couldn't relate, i was never been swayed by the idea of coupling whatsoever and rather found it suffocating and a death sentence because i did not and will never want a singular person to be the center of my world, i get such deep fulfilment from other sources.
I already come from a culture that only functions as coupling, heavily family oriented and gives no living paths to those who's still unwed or even slightly different, and despite the continuous pressure put on me i somehow survived being forced to wed. But couldn't survive other aspect, like already preforming the role of caretaking to my family solely because all what i tried can't be reality, yay c':
One source of my deep fulfilment is my friends, I treasure my platonic relationship beyond measures, few of them honestly almost took me out experiencing them ending/fading, i remember my first bestie dearly, i couldn't handle the thought of never seeing them again and missed saying goodbye to them leaving the country, still live with that regret, even crying over our happy letters the day i learned they're never coming back, I still have their letters safe and hope they are thriving. They were the ones who taught me of the existence of the Internet and its basics before it became common, that in turn started the little butterfly effect of my life. So in way they helped me in ways im grateful to have had crossed paths woth them, a close precious soul..
My biggest whimsical wish is to experience life one day live with my besties in a big manor and plane little monthly adventures even if it was visiting a new silent aisle of a grocery shop and giggle over yaoi books we get or i create (FRKING SHOULD BE DRAWING ONE NOW AAUGG DX)
Oki thats all , i just had the urge to type it all c8
