more than anything i'm so glad show hollanov are similar in height and size cos i am not too fond of height differences (and the forced gendering of it all... eugh) that's how u know i'm not a tradjoshi choosing to be pliant in the arms of ur man when u r just as well-built is so much sexier to me and also the optics of shane's racialised physical characteristics being mentioned over and over as a sex specific thing irks the fuck out of me in the books like as a brown woman who Does Not shave it's akin to someone shouting constantly HAIRY WOMAN WOMAN WITH BODY HAIR LOOK AT HOW MUCH BODY HAIR SHE HAS when describing me lol it's uncomfortable not least because sure i find body hair on other woman incredibly hot but i also get societally ridiculed for it and the my lover finds something out my control that im specifically made to be insecure about trope is straight up disgusting to me cos why does it matter in the first place i'm born like this? physical traits can be alluring but to what extent can that be the basis of attraction till it loops back into (and i hate to use this word cos it has been unfoundedly overused and run to the ground) f*tishistic? i truly don't think finding certain things sexy/sexier is bad but as a universal truth i do think generalisations suck
....looks like I found myself ranting about my shit ey?....
...
Let's just get it over with....
RANT
...
Look...as much as I love my family I tend to hold a Huge grudge on mine...
Mostly I'd like to call myself a liar, sin, and a fool and...all that stuff for being one with my family...
My family's always nice to people from any sort of way possible but...A part of my family is that there secretly broken. Embracing a fight between them and the rest, letting there emotions get the best of them, seeing control and hunger of power over me...Lying to get what they want. Wanting me to side with them...even if it means sacrificing everything, trying to deceive me into siding with them...
I've been dealing with this shit for...quite about...2 years now...and I still haven't recovered from it either, and guess what? All there attention was of course on, on my little brother! Obviously because he's very young and traumatized by this but like- What about me? Are you going to let me stand there and deal with this sort of SHIT That has been going through for the past 2 years? Are you going to even help me recover from this? ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO HELP ME JUST FOR A BIT?
AND WHAT ELSE IS THERE IN STORE? OH MAYBE TRYING TO USE ME FOR THERE SHIT AND GET AWAY WITH IT, BLAMING ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T EVEN DO, TELLING ME THAT I WAS THE MAIN REASON ON WHY THIS WHOLE BLOODY FUCKING SHIT STARTED. LIKE- WHAT THE FUCK DID I POSSIBLY DO TO CAUSE THIS SORT OF MESS ON THE FIRST PLACE?!
YOU THINK I WOULD DICTATE SOMEONE TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC FOR A DAY AND WASTE ALL OUR SHIT JUST TO BUY MORE? WOULD I?
WOULD I?
Even worse!
Whenever I do something wrong for only a few times maybe like 3 or 2 something like that...my mom...Would throw a fucking chair at me, YOU KNOW WHATS EVEN WORSE? THIS HAPPENED MORE THAN 10 TIMES! CRAZY HOW IM STILL ALIVE RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE LIKES TO DO WHEN I DO THIS? SHE WOULD HIT ME WITH A BROOM STICK, PUNCH MY ARM, SLAM MY HEAD TO THE TABLE/WALL/FLOOR, CALL ME A FUCKING IDIOT FOR NOT DOING *ANYTHING* RIGHT, GRAB MY HAIR AND PULL IT, SLAP ME REALY HARD AND THROW ME LARGE THING'S LIKE THE OLD TOY HOUSE WE HAVE. CRAZY HOW IM STILL BREATHING AFTER THAT RIGHT? YOU KNOW ONE TIME, SHE GOT SO FUCKING PISSED SHE GAVE ME A FUCKING KNIFE FOR ME TO KILL HER INSTEAD, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE SAID "DO IT KILL YOURSELF INSTEAD [SCOTT] DO IT, IM SICK OF TAKING CARE OF YOU, IM SICK OF GIVING YOU SHIT YOU DONT EVEN APPRECIATE"....
I mostly suffer from ADHD a lot, and my mom only thinks that I have ADD. I try and tell them but they tend to tell me "oh [Scott] You don't have ADHD, your such an attention seeker" or just like @kudocat "[Scott]...this is just an excuse because you don't wanna do your assignment/asynchronous activities"
Whenever somebody in my class and just say- "Y'all say that you have ADHD, because you guys are just attention seekers"...
...
Maybe that knife she gave could have been useful...
My professor said my paper was disappointing and now I wanna die this poor guy had to deal with my rotten mole brain for like two years and the last piece of written work he received from me was disappointing i feel really bad i thought it was something neat but apparently it wasnt and i dont know how to approach him about it i wanna say something like sorry or ill make my brain better but i know my brain wont change and ill never seen him again anyway and i just want him to know that i respect him so much as a person and teacher and to basically spit in his face after having a semesters worth of information absorbed in my head only to produce something disappointing makes my heart pop in shame im sorry teach i didnt want to disappoint you
he isnt ever going to see this so ill just keep on talking
like he always tries to encourage me despite my moldy brain and calls my readings brave, but a friend told me thats just a nice way of saying that its stupid which isnt that surprising considering i spout some weird interpretations all the time i feel like he’s soft on me for some reason and i think its probably cause i just resonate a pathetic aura around me if anything hes probably aware that i dont have a lot of confidence in myself and tries to be encouraging to me, but all that got him was a painfully average paper that doesnt have a lot of substance so he has every right to feel disappointed maybe i just misinterpreted how he wanted the paper done or i i bit off more than i could chew i dont know i just dont want to disappoint my professors especially ones that give me patience and i give respect i dont know how to apologize to him i dont know if i should is it proper for a student to apologize to a professor about a grade? i dont knooooow i just dont ever want to disappoint anyone ever again for as long as i live
you know what sucks. hearing that you have the thing i want most right now. someone to love. and yes i know this is another letter because 2 yard and four days after our anniversary and 9 months after our breakup i’m still writing to you. but that’s just because there’s still feelings. and it might not be love. and it might not be rage but it is sadness and frustration and me bottling everything up as always. there will probably always still be feelings. right now in particular it is jealousy. i want what you have. someone to talk to. someone to kiss. someone who will squeeze me around the waist like you did. but here i am lonely. i don’t want your pity. or your friendship. i can’t handle any of that right now. i just don’t want to see you at a party. see you drunk off your ass and for me to be the bad guy. don’t want to mess up again. Fuck Charlotte being 18. let me ignore this some more.
I’m taking a class called Creative Writing for Publication and I am MORTIFIED by the idea of someone reading my stuff and thinking “wow, this is complete and utter GARBAGE and I never want this person to get their stuff published because it’s SO BAD!”
But at the same time I love the idea that they think my stuff is good, even if it could use some polishing. I love the idea that they see some kind of potential in me and that my work has a chance of being considered publishable. Cause I have stories and ideas I want to express some day, but I have to learn how to write before I learn how to express it.
It’s a double edged sword and I hope that the latter happens more than the former. Especially since I love writing phantasmal and surreal stuff more than realistic stuff. Our professor pushes us to write more about family and culture and philosophy and all of that sounds great. But I wanna dragon there a little bit, y’know? Can I write a story about overcoming hopelessness and the reluctant acceptance of someone’s sacrifice as they save someone’s life, but conveyed to the audience by having a girl eat a deer in the woods? I wrote that and got mixed responses.
That’s mostly how all my stories are anyway. Not my five page short stories, the novel length ones with a detailed world and plot with lot’s of magic. And not “a little bit of magic in a modern setting” or “harry potter/ lotr/ medieval European understanding of magic” stuff either. It’s its own thing that I made with its own magic system and government and history and lore and I have about five stories like that. They’re all still VERY DEEP in development (college stopped all of it TnT) but I dearly love them, even though I made them when I was in high school and they’re appeal is probably not felt worldwide. I just want people to know they exist and see if they would like them.
But first I have to be good at writing STUFF. idk what STUFF, but it will be STUFF i like! This became a “i’m scared of judgement and rejection” rant to “I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW MY PRESENCE AND MODERATELY APPRECIATE MY STORIES!!” rant.
Hey guys i hope you like me new character i came up with Is a totally original character and i made her because i thinks shes interesting, she haas sucha a complex backstory guys you wouldn’t belive it It’s totally not an empy, shallow and meaningless walking fetish that I’m trying to pass off as a character, trust me
