#rapid rants

[rapidrescue]

Scathing, Angry Post

I don’t care who you are, what you do, and what you think you do: it doesn’t matter how you feel about people; being hateful toward them is being hateful toward them.

Granted, I have not posted here in a long while. And that’s for a reason. I used to think that I could share the portions of me that were messed up with Tumblr and it could help others understand me. I was wrong.

You see, Tumblr fanatics, it didn’t matter if I went to conventions, did right by my now ex-girlfriend, et cetera...I have been utterly harmed in the past year. Through no fault of my own, I watched yet another relationship form with trust, love, et cetera...and watched that all burn to ash as I was cheated on, emotionally harmed, and worst of all, never apologized to.

Rapid Rescue is not out to get you; but Rapid realizes the world is out to harm him. It’s a sad, sad truth that I’m living with more and more these days. In talking to counselors and therapists, the result is always the same: my view of the world and the negativity in it is returning me to the Rapid of pre-BronyCon 2013. That awkward, emotionally-unstable, and fearful shell of a man. I thought I was doing okay after that event: I found myself someone and fell in love. But as I found post BronyCon 2014: love is not only fickle, but it only arises when others need you.

You see kids, the world only values you when you have use to them. I was an emotional block for a lot of people. Rapid Rescue was a beloved person. Coming into going as an attendee at BronyCon 2015? I found that I was utterly useless for much more than being yelled at, berated, and hurt further. Most of those people I work with had no idea of the emotional turmoil I was going through, minus say...dispatchrabbi.

The people I roomed with, as well.

You see, kids, I’m not doing well. Not at all. I watched the woman I loved and her kid move past me within a matter of weeks after our breakup. Now I’m watching as her ‘lover’ breaks her and she finds that my warnings weren’t just for show.

In the end, I’m watching as a good majority of my friends turn their backs on me. I’m watching what good life I had fall apart.

...in short, welcome to the end of the caring, loving pony you once knew as Rapid Rescue. You bastards wanted it, and it’s happening. It’s over. Friendship, Loyalty, Laughter, Kindness, Honesty, Generosity...they used to come natural to me. But those days are gone.

Instead, welcome to the new age. The age of Rapid no longer caring and hating himself.

In the end, you got what you wanted. I hope you’re proud.

[rapidrescue]

Just Because I Don't Cry...

DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T CARE.

I am beyond done with the observation of SJWs saying that first responders not crying at the death or showing emotion of their loved one means they don't care. There's a wonderful thing that comes with seeing death on a constant: EMOTIONAL DETATCHMENT.

You see, kiddies, in the real world of seeing terrible shit happening again and again and again, you stop caring. Why? Because your talents for helping (when you CAN help) are completely destroyed if you're constantly losing it on a scene. You will be of no use to anyone as a firefighter, EMT, Doctor, Paramedic, or Police Officer if you cave in everytime someone passes.

You wanna know why we don't cry? Because we might be able to help the little girl just down the block that was severely beaten by her abusive parents. But if I show up to that scene weeping and sobbing? I've already lost that fight.

So the next time you want to play SJW advocate and point fingers and yell SHAME when you aren't actually doing anything to make a difference? Remember that.

[rapidrescue]

...meh.

I'm not having such a great time anymore. I've been late the past three days for work due to my car not liking snow and ice. I was alerted this morning of a very bad thing that will be happening regarding BronyCon 2014; a thing so sour, I dare not think of it. And it's making me wonder if I'm the right person for the job, anymore. And finally, I have been forsaken. ...why do I try, again? It just seems like everytime I try to reach out and be kind to someone, they throw it all back in my face ten fold. As if I don't matter to them. As if I'm nothing more than a problem. I'm tired of being treated this way. If I have helped you in some way or another, or have been kindto you, I would think the least you could do is be kind in return. No, that's asking too much. I guess I'm going to have to do the same thing I do everyday: smile, pretend to be happy, and keep working. I can't do that much longer, but that's what everyone wants: the quietly, submissive, unhappy person that they make me.

[rapidrescue]

To My Handlers...

Let me start with this. If you're going to dedicate yourself to reading this in context, start listening to THIS. I am as I write it and it's fitting.

I'm not a person who harbors hate. No, instead, when I get upset, I simply swallow it and request no help to get over it. Most of the time, people know that's exactly what I do. When I'm wronged, I'll simply become the beaten dog: I'll hang my head in shame, give one or two word replies, and do my best to simply 'get by'. This usually alerts people to something being wrong, but if it doesn't involve them, I'll usually just tell them not to worry about it, and so on.

Let me explain, further: the reason I don't like to talk out my problems with people? I can't stand it. The thought of someone caring about me hurts. Since I left my fiance, my mind doesn't want to wrap itself around someone giving two flying fucks about me. For me to lay in bed and think that someone cares...can literally hurt.

To my Handlers: I have three jobs. Three. In those jobs, I would consider myself a professional and knowledgable in all the things included in those fields which I work. Surely, you wouldn't come to me to ask about building a thermonuclear reactor. Why? Because I'll need four years to figure them out and give you an honest opinion. If you came to me for consult about what gun to use to help you shoot skeet better, I could give you an honest reply. The same for if you asked me a medical question. But there's one subject that I'm an ace upon...

...and that's me. My habits. My character. My abilities. I don't appreciate it when someone who has the charge of me doesn't listen when I tell them things that I know I can't do. If I'm in charge of something and know I can't do something in that charge? I would rather you listened to me and helped me than to give me a figurative 'so what?' and continue on as if nothing has happened.

Further, my Handlers, when I go to become socialable with you and others? Please don't take that shit lightly. I don't often just associate with people. I usually only do it because I'm forced to. I don't appreciate trying to spread my wings and become my own person only to be shot down time and time again. I really, really dislike that I'm also put on your backburner, only referenced when needed. Don't pull me into a group of people we work with and try to make me look good, only to then throw me back on the backburner and not be worth anything.

Handlers, I'm not writing this to be a stabbing pain in your side. I'm simply expressing myself in the only form I know how: written word. It seems like I cannot talk to you, at least not civilly, when I bring subjects up. We go around and banter, and in the end, I feel nothing is accomplished. It's just a constant revolving door of problems...and I don't like it in the least.

I know this is asking a lot, most of the time; caring about another human being is pretty hard work. I might be one of the few who can do it without feeling taxed about it, I dunno. I would much rather we sat and talked like the civil human beings we could be rather than going twelve rounds out of nowhere with no contact afterward. This is more harmful than helpful.

There. Rapid's done ranting, again. For all of you who kept asking me what is wrong, there's your answer. There's the thing I didn't feel like I could talk to any of you about. I'll go back to wearing the fake smile and pretending that nothing is wrong, again.