#rask2

[novapark]

“I didn’t know you had a kid.” Sancha was the first to speak. Neither of us really asked to continue walking on together - we just naturally fell into step. Despite my nerves around her there was an odd comfort to being at her side. 

“I didn’t know either.” I confessed but really didn’t want unload the specifics on her, “It’s been a long day.” 

“Oh…” She sighed, looking a bit weary herself. 

“How about you?” I asked, hoping that my mother hadn’t ruined her afternoon. 

“It’s been a long day.” She replied, and I didn’t press. Just as she had given me that luxury of privacy. 

“Sorry to hear that.” I said, guessing that my miserable company was better than nothing at that moment.

[novapark]

Hello, my old heart Hello, my old heart

[novapark]

You can go your own way Go your own way You can call it Another lonely day You can go your own way Go your own way

[novapark]

“Alright sweetie, let’s hope grandma has tucked in early tonight.” I said to basically no one as the kid had been passed out since we left the parklands. My nerves had settled while walking with Sancha but on the way home my mind had wandered. I wondered what I should say when I saw my mother. Hell I even drove the long way home hoping I’d come up with something smarter than ‘Hey mom here’s your new granddaughter. Isn’t she cute, looks just like me right? 

Nothing even half that interesting had come to mind though.  

“Olin Sebastian Rask you better have a damn good,” My mother flew through the house like an angry goose. She probably had been waiting to string me up for hours. Fortunately, the shock of what I had in store for her stopped her flat in her tracks, “ - I.. is that a baby?”

No mom, it’s a football. 

Fuck, I could tell immediately explaining to her how the rest of my day went was going to be quite the ride.

[novapark]

“Why now? Am I only now good enough to be her father?” I grumbled snidely. I had been mostly clean for the better part of two years and we have mutual friends so it’s not like she didn’t have ways of finding out.  

“No.. admittedly I should have told you sooner.” She confessed with a bit of a dismissive shrug, “I know that but Ollie, the truth is I’m drowning. I’m so busy I hardly see her.” 

“So you need help.” I sighed, of course. It wasn’t just because she suddenly felt bad for keeping me in the dark and out of my daughter’s life for what had to be about four years.

“Yeah I do and I recognize how unfair this is but please Olin. She needs at least one of us around.” Inika said as I turned to catch a glance of the child happily still singing away to something unintelligible. How the fuck was I supposed to do any of this? Just because I had basically no life didn’t mean I’d know what I was doing. 

[novapark]

“Nika.. you know I live at home right?” I asked, mind drifting the deep shit I’d be in once I got home later. Skipping Sunday dinner was minor next to suddenly having a love child with the ex my mother liked the least, “Like my mom is probably going to freak out about this.” 

“Yeah I know but at least you will have some support.” Nika sighed, again with that dismissive tone. 

“How soon are we talking?” I pressed, hoping she’d say a few months so I could get to know the child before she was suddenly in my care. Hell I didn’t even know her name still. 

“How soon can you take her?” No such luck. It was just like Inika to decide something and then pursue it to its conclusion without a thought for any extra steps in between. In some ways it was admirable. I couldn’t make choices for shit sometimes.

“I… umm.. I don’t know.” I replied as a sense of panic started to settle in. What was happening? Was she really about to leave this kid with me?

[novapark]

“Ollie, are you up?!” Every Sunday with the rising of the sun, she came, softly but with clear and deliberate conviction to tap upon my bedroom door. The funny part is even when I’m not at home I wake up fucking early on the seventh day just because of how conditioned I am to do so. If I wasn’t out of bed by the time she was there, it was because I didn’t fucking want to be. 

“Yeah, almost ready,” I reply while fiddling with the top button on my shirt. Damn thing was loose, probably should get out the sewing kit but it could wait until later. It hadn’t fallen off yet. 

“And you’re dressed nice right?” My mother chirped again, not sure she’d even left the hallway since she started nagging.

“Yes...” I did my best to not show annoyance while also hoping she wouldn’t notice the issue with my button when she did see me. Small detail, but nothing got by that woman. 

“And your hair isn’t in one of those awful knots is it?” 

“My hair is down,” I choked out like I had rocks in my throat. She never pestered me about my long hair like other mothers might have so I was grateful for that at least but she did like it neat, “I’m brushing it now.” 

“You’re such a nice looking boy when you take care of yourself.” She was leaning on the wall now. I could almost see her smile in my mind when she said it. For all the things we didn’t agree on, for all the ways I disappointed her, she still managed to find some pride for me. 

[novapark]

“Ollie, I know you’re upset but I think if you remember how things were when I left…” Nika began as she tugged at the sleeve of my jacket.  

“Yeah I know.” I admitted, it wasn’t like I could ignore the mess I had been back then. 

“Then I think we can both agree that you finding out at the time would have just made things worse.” Her eyes narrowed as she continued. It seemed to me that assertion was a bit too far. Yes, I was a disaster of a human being but I think I may have avoided the worst of it if I had known about all this. In fact, I most likely would have taken the steps I needed to get clean much sooner. 

“You don’t fucking know that.” I replied defensively, “The reason I got sober was a lot less important than this shit would have been.”  

“I didn’t want that to be the reason though Ollie.” Inika stated firmly, “I wanted you to get help because you wanted it. Not for me, not for her, but because you realized you had a fucking problem.” 

“God dammit.” I sighed, it would have been a lot easier if it wasn’t just because I didn’t want to die that way. Ending up as sick as I got after she left was embarrassing enough.