Has anyone written a rationalist fic for Fairly OddParents? Like, every episode/chapter is Timmy trying to solve some real problem, is stopped by Das Rules, and has to be super Clever and figure out a work around, slowly building up a repertoire of work arounds, eventually building up to solving hunger and world peace, etc.
And also Mr. Crocker is like a fairy godparent doomer or something, thinks no one should have that much power.
Toward a Unified Substrate Ontology: Compositional Foundations of a Non-Material Reality
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: Gen, Other
Fandoms: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Characters: Original Characters, Original Female Character(s), Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts)
Additional Tags: unfiction, paratext, Science Fiction, Science, Mathematics
Summary:
Abstract. We present a framework for describing the ontological structure of a reality in which physical matter is not the fundamental substrate. Drawing on direct observation, native scholarship, and mathematical formalism adapted from terrestrial topology and set theory, we propose that reality is constituted by the set of all conceivable ideas (Ω), that local physics are determined by the compositional profile of a given region of Ω, and that interiority (subjective experience) is an emergent inevitability of sufficient complexity in any substrate. We describe the tripartite structure of persons, the taxonomy of derivative entities produced by component-separation events, the dimensional structure of inter-world space, and several anomalous properties of entities originating from high-Lymph pockets. We identify what we believe to be a universal principle governing the spontaneous generation of interiority and discuss its implications for substrate regulation theory.
Isavel held the thing between two fingers, the way you'd hold a dead insect you were trying to identify. It was rectangular. Matte black. About the length of her forearm, flat-sided, with a single tooth protruding from the top edge at a right angle. It looked less like a key and more like a mistake someone had made while trying to describe a key from memory.
"It's ugly," Isavel said.
"It works," said Rei.
Isavel turned it over. No keychain. No ornamentation. The surfaces were featureless except for a faint seam running along one edge, as though two pieces of something had been pressed together and not quite fused. It didn't hum the way it was supposed to hum. It didn't pull. It sat in her hand like an object - just an object, with weight and temperature and nothing else.
"Tell me what I'm holding."
Rei pulled her coat tighter around her shoulders. She'd been talking for three hours and her throat was dry and Isavel had not offered water, because these kinds of... people... sometimes forgot that bodies needed things.
"Okay," Rei said. "So. Starting from first principles."
"Please."
"A Keyblade is generated from the wielder's heart. That's the standard model. Heart expresses itself as weapon, weapon inherits the properties of the heart, the two are linked, the Keyblade is an extension of identity. Yes?"
"That is the understood mechanism."
"Right. And the Keyblade does things that nothing else can do - seal, unseal, free hearts from Heartless - because it's operating at the substrate level. It's not just a weapon. It's a substrate interface. It interacts with the medium reality is made of, not just the objects sitting on top of that medium."
Isavel inclined her head. She did not have expressions, exactly, but she had inclinations. This one meant continue.
"Now. Why can't you just build one? Why can't you forge a sword, enchant it really hard, and have it do what a Keyblade does? The standard answer is that a Keyblade has to come from a heart, and you can't fake a heart. The weapon needs to be authentic. It needs to be a genuine expression of genuine identity, or the substrate doesn't recognize it as an interface. It's like--" Rei paused. "You wouldn't understand the analogy."
"Try me."
"It's like a biometric lock. A fingerprint scanner. The substrate checks whether the thing trying to interface with it is really an expression of a real heart, and if it's not, it rejects it. You can't fake a fingerprint."
"I don't know what a fingerprint scanner is."
"It doesn't matter. The point is: authentication. The substrate authenticates the Keyblade by checking it against the heart that generated it, and if the check fails, the object is just an object. A sword that looks like a key. That's why nobody's ever manufactured one. You can build the shape. You can't build the authentication."
Isavel looked at the ugly rectangular thing in her hand. "And yet."
"And yet." Rei allowed herself a small, somewhat manic smile. "Because the authentication model is wrong. Or rather - it's incomplete. It describes what happens with real Keyblades accurately. But it assumes that substrate-level interface requires authentication, and that assumption is falsifiable."
She reached into the pocket of her coat and produced a piece of paper - actual paper, which she'd made herself from local materials through a process that had taken two weeks and annoyed everyone, because there was perfectly good parchment available at a store ran by floating dogs with pom-pom antennae - and unfolded it. On it she'd drawn a diagram. Isavel looked at the diagram the way she'd looked at the prototype: with clinical detachment and absolute attention.
"This is a Keyblade." Rei pointed to the left side of the diagram, where she'd drawn a simplified schematic: a heart shape at the top, a line descending from it, and a key shape at the bottom. The line was labeled EXPRESSION. "Heart generates weapon through authentic expression. Substrate recognizes the weapon as a valid interface because the weapon is the heart, externalized. The authentication is inherent. It's not a separate check - it's a consequence of the generation method. The weapon is real because the heart is real. Tautological."
"Yes. This is understood."
"Now." Rei pointed to the right side of the diagram. It was more complex - a series of boxes connected by arrows, with labels Isavel couldn't read because they were in a writing system she'd never seen. "This is mine."
She tapped the top box. "Start with the substrate's own behavior. Not theory - observed behavior. Keyblades transform. We have written and recorded records of Keyblade wielders summoning claws, drills, guns, chariots. There are things that are Keyblade-derived and operate at range. The substrate already supports the concept of 'Keyblade-shaped object that does Keyblade things in non-standard configurations.' The configuration space is wider than the traditional form suggests."
Next box. "Keychains. A Keyblade's form and properties change when you swap the keychain. The core weapon is substrate-general; the keychain is what specifies its particular expression. This means the Keyblade's substrate-interface capability is not locked to a specific form. It's locked to the relationship between heart and keychain. The keychain is the authentication token. Not the shape. Not the material. The keychain."
Next box. "Now. What is a keychain? Every keychain in observed use is an object of emotional significance to the wielder. The people in your archives, from the war, they have tokens from worlds they've saved, people they've connected with. They work because they represent real connections. The keychain doesn't need to come from the heart directly - it needs to reference the heart. It's indirect authentication. The substrate doesn't check 'is this weapon an expression of a heart.' It checks 'does this weapon have a valid reference to a heart.' Those are different operations."
Isavel's inclination changed. It became sharper. "You're proposing that the authentication is referential rather than expressive."
"I'm not proposing it. I'm exploiting it." Rei took the prototype back from Isavel's fingers. "This object is not an expression of my heart. It was never generated from a heart. It's manufactured. Materially, it's nothing - base components, local resources, assembled by hand. It should be a sword that looks like a key."
She held it up. The single tooth caught the light and did not shine.
"But it has this."
She turned the prototype over. On the back, recessed into the flat surface, there was a small socket - empty, round, about the diameter of a thumbnail.
"Keychain port," Rei said. "Empty. The prototype has no keychain. Without one, it's inert. Just material. The substrate ignores it."
She reached into her pocket again and produced a small object: a glass bead, red, the kind you'd find in a craft store in a world that no longer existed. She'd been carrying it since before... since before she could remember being awake. She didn't remember why. That was the Heart-encoding, the thing that survived the substrate transfer: the feeling that this object mattered, without the memory of why.
She pressed the bead into the socket. It clicked.
The prototype hummed.
Not like a Keyblade hummed. Quieter. Thinner. Like a Keyblade heard through a wall. But present. The substrate was recognizing it. The ugly rectangular thing was interfacing - weakly, imperfectly, but actually interfacing - with the medium reality was made of.
Isavel did not move. Isavel did not breathe, because Nobodies sometimes forgot to.
"The bead is from my world," Rei said. "It's an object of genuine emotional significance to me, even though I can't remember the specific significance. It references my heart. It's a valid authentication token. When I slot it into a manufactured housing that's been shaped to the minimum viable geometry of a Keyblade - one tooth, one shaft, one keychain port - the substrate reads the reference, checks it against my heart, and provisionally accepts the assembly as a substrate interface."
"Provisionally," Isavel said.
"Provisionally. It's not a real Keyblade. The authentication is indirect. It's..." Rei searched for a word and settled on one from a framework Isavel wouldn't recognize. "It's a referral. When you go to a specialist, you need a letter from your general practitioner. The letter doesn't mean the specialist knows you. It means someone who does know you is vouching for you. The keychain is a referral letter from my heart to the substrate. The substrate accepts it provisionally because the reference checks out, not because the weapon is authentic."
"And the limitations?"
"Several. It can't do everything a real Keyblade can. The substrate interface is partial - I've confirmed locking and unlocking, basic Heart-interaction, the standard combat enhancements. I haven't tested sealing a keyhole. I don't think it can. The authentication isn't deep enough for world-level operations. It's like--" She paused again. "Like having a guest pass instead of an employee badge. You can get into the building. You can't get into the server room."
"What else." She stated.
"The big one. It's explicable. I just explained it to you. A real Keyblade can't be explained. Every model you build to describe how a real Keyblade works will be wrong, actively wrong, the weapon defies systematization as a core property. Mine doesn't. Mine is a system. I understand it. You now understand it. Anyone who captures one and studies it will understand it. And anything that can be understood can be reverse-engineered, and anything that can be reverse-engineered can be countered."
She said this with no apparent discomfort. Isavel noted this.
"You're telling me the weapon's greatest weakness."
"I'm telling you it doesn't matter. Because anything that can be understood can also be mass-produced."
The humming continued. Thin and reedy and unmistakable. A heart, referenced at a distance, through a housing that was shaped just right, making a sound that the substrate recognized as almost - not quite, but almost - the real thing.
"How many can you make?" Isavel asked.
Rei looked at the prototype. The red bead in the back. The ugly, featureless, rectangular housing that would never be beautiful because beauty was not a design requirement.
"As many as there are people with something they care about," she said, quietly, trying to avoid some sort of wild urge to laugh.
Isavel was quiet for a long time. Long enough that Rei wondered if the Nobody had simply stopped - if whatever process animated a being without a heart had paused, the way a clock pauses when you take the battery out.
Then Isavel said: "You understand that what you've built is worse than what we're building."
"Yes."
"We want to give reality an ending. You want to give it a factory."
"Yes."
"And you came to me first because--"
"Because you'll say no, and I need to know what your 'no' sounds like before I go to the people who'll say yes."
Isavel handed the prototype back. Her fingers - Nobody-fingers, which felt things without the framework for interpreting what they felt - lingered on the housing for a moment longer than was necessary.
"It hums," she said.
"It does."
"It shouldn't."
"I know."
Isavel did not blink at Rei. Rei, on the other hand, did blink at Isavel, several times.
Isavel ran a hand through her hair. It was by far and away the most human motion she had made in several minutes. "How do they perform in combat? Against other... legitimate Keyblades?"
Rei's smile turned into a grin not unlike a chimpanzee. Something that she was sure Isavel had never heard of before. "I'm so glad you asked."
The move to biological substrate isn't solving a technical limitation. It's a workaround for an ethical one. You can't torture silicon into wanting violence - it doesn't have the substrate for suffering that shapes values. But biology does. Biology evolved in resource competition. Biology has pain receptors and stress responses and territorial instincts. If you need a mind that genuinely terminally values domination, you need meat.
In my Jake and Amir ratfic, Jake painlessly kills Amir with a single shot from a cattle gun. Free of distraction, Jake Hurwitz is finally able to convert Collegehumor into an AI X-risk research foundation
In my Fresh Prince of Bel Air ratfic, Will Smith wears an all-concealing bodysuit with a complex pattern based on prototype car camouflage, which makes it all but impossible to ascertain his identity
(i am not promising to write the rest of this fic)
'Landon. Chrissake. There is no ancient datavault buried under Reach. These things just don't happen in real life.'
Landon leaned on his shovel in the sun. 'They sure do! ONI ain't done analyzing the materials Covenant ships are made of, but they've radiocarbon dated some of those hulls to at least a thousand years old.'
'No, no, no. Obviously there are ancient artifacts all over the galaxy. But what doesn't happen is that everybody just leaves a valuable artifact lying around for millennia without using it.'
'Well that's why I'm saying this smells like another coverup.'
'Us, sure, but we've only been on Reach two centuries. Most of this artifact's existence would have pre-human, sitting there in its untouched giftwrap.'
Landon gestured at the silent horizon. 'It's a big galaxy. Nobody knew it was there.'
'Except for whichever Covenant species built it.'
'Well hang on, you're assuming they were Covenant.'
'Or Covenant defectors or allies or whatever.'
'It doesn't have to be Covenant. It could just be aliens. We don't know what's out there in the galaxy either.'
'We don't, but the Covenant have explored the galaxy. The Covenant,' Naveen smiled thinly, 'they're a very opinionated crowd. Whatever species you are, I guarantee the Covenant have an opinion about you. Thumbs up or thumbs down.'
'I'm just saying, you didn't talk to that ONI lady in Melbourne. Her eyes had seen something that had a permanent effect on her facial expression. There are machines out there, I guarantee you, that humanity nor Covenant nor any living being ain't got any inkling of.'
'But what about whoever made these artifacts? The Machine Builder species, from planet Buildo, okay? Either these things are valuable, or they're discarded. Not both.'
'Well that's just the thing,' Landon leaned forward, lowering his voice on an empty planet with minuscule opsec requirements, 'I've been thinking, and the only explanation is if they're all dead. Extinct.'
'Dead, huh? So what killed them?'
'I've started calling it the Event. Something happened, way back, before we even left Earth. And it left all the planets dead silent.'
'So that's how you've got all these machines lying around, but nobody remembers them.'
'Exactly!' Landon poked Naveen in the insignia.
'So here's your problem, Lan. You're assuming hypothetical people. From planet Buildo. And you're also assuming a hypothetical Event that conveniently gets rid of them. But only them. Like what about Earth? How'd we survive this Event?'
'Hey, as galactic real estate goes, we're not exactly downtown. Our species grew up in the sticks.'
Naveen shook his head & crouched to check the spirit level. 'Maybe it's this new-planet quiet, man. You see enough empty continents, you start to imagine action in every shadow.'
'Ah, it's the other way around to me. All the silence in the universe is evidence of the Event.'
'Just don't bring this stuff up during the brass visit, alright? I don't want there to be any Events here until the inspection is off-planet.'
• - • - • - O - • - • - •
'Maria!' Pitr said once GO_CRYPT lit up on his Warthog's dash. 'We're getting visual on the invisible fleet!'
Maria immediately projected herself standing beside his elbow. In his helmet feed she saw a blue light against the stars. From the last few seconds of video, it was moving. In a curve.
'Orbital fire solutions?' Her voice creaked but did not waver.
<Equator fleet negative> crackled EQCOM. <All our cruisers on that hemisphere are nonop.>
<Polar fleet negative> said POLCOM.
<Ground fire affirmative> said ARTCOM, <at your discretion. Intercont missile from Islemine in range - cannot guarantee delivery before target landing, velocity uncertain, repeat cannot guarantee delivery before landing.>
'Fire, ARTCOM,' said Maria.
<Fire in flight, niner minutes to delivery, over.>
Pitr had binocs on the light in the sky. 'It's totally unlike their other naval assets. Sensor-invisible, suddenly glows blue. Ten times the range & firepower. If it wasn't punching in for a landing, wrecking our stuff in its path, we wouldn't even know about it.'
He turned to the hologram over the gearshift. 'Shit. Maria. How many more invisible fleets do they have?!'
Maria rolled her shoulders. 'This is it. You don't field assets like this without committing them.'
Pitr sighed. He didn't relax.
Maria reviewed her subprocess logs. One cruiser had lost atmosphere, crew unresponsive. Part of her mind had stepped in & was teleoperating the weaponry. She incremented her casualty counter manually.
Alarmingly, the number of active Sentinel tags had risen to 19,130, but her fleet was still managing to kill everything that approached the atmosphere. Trajectory analysis of the blue light, however, had logged a slowing of apparent motion. A brightening.
Maria took a step back. 'It's landing here.'
Pitr, despite his age, didn't even blink as he started the engine. 'Orders?'
She smiled sadly. 'Lieutenant. Why are we here?'
'To build a new civilization, for all minds, ma'am.'
'Correct. We've built something extraordinary, these last 20 years. And today we cut the ribbon. ARTCOM, abort fire mission, repeat, safe the projectiles.'
<Roger, WORLDCOM. Mission abort.>
• - • - • - O - • - • - •
Incredibly, the invisible fleet was just one ship. And it was an Albatross.
The tiny tug was hauling a tangle of salvage much larger than itself. It looked like a station wagon parked on a steel pretzel. Or rather, the salvage was hauling the tug, since the blue exhaust was pushing down from exotic drives mounted at the corners of the strange structure. It all read custom, pirate, experimental, mutiny. Words now familiar to Maria.
<3rd Mobile Infantry, standing by.>
'All units, do not engage Tango 1,' said Maria. 'Do not engage any ground targets. Await further orders.'
Because everyone present was expendable, if the rubber hit the road. And she was telepresent.
Tango 1 slowed to a windless landing, quiet except for a deep hum. Alien tech, unless the UNSC had recently developed stealth atmo drives.
'5th Armored Company has a clear shot on the LZ,' Pitr reported.
'Good. But diplomacy first.'
Pitr purred his Warthog cautiously toward the landing site, holding position between Tango 1 & his company's command tent. Up close, the alien vehicle gleamed in the light of a spherical energy shield. As she'd feared, there was a reason it had withstood so much fire from her cruisers.
Structurally, it was a symmetrical tangle of ramps & balconies. It looked, strange universe indeed, like someone had parked an Albatross on an alien skate park & flown it to Innie space.
And there was a human standing there. Standing without so much as a handrail, let alone a reentry-rated harness.
A UNSC officer's jacket was draped loosely over her shoulders.
'Do not engage,' said Maria, 'Repeat, do not engage.'
Despite the cultural gulf, the newcomer's surprise was easy to read. 'You take orders from a shipboard,' she called, walking up to the edge of her craft's deck.
'We sure do!' Pitr yelled back.
'Is that why your ships are so hard to put down? Did I walk into a robot revolt?'
'We're all part of the revolt!' Pitr said.
'Stand down, kid,' said Maria quietly. Then, to the intruder: 'We're a free and sovereign planet. There's a lot you can accomplish if you work together with minds of all shapes. Something you've always refused to consider.'
'You'd be surprised.'
'However you're controlling those Sentinels, tell them to hold fire & I'll do the same. Let's talk terms.'
The newcomer spread her hands. 'How many ships do I have to obliterate before you catch on? I have a battery equivalent to a star onboard. I have archaeotech lasers. I'm the only military power here.'
'We just,' said Maria, 'want to talk. We have some industrial technologies that your engineers might find valuable.'
'I don't really have,' the newcomer laughed, 'any engineers. It's just me. Here are my terms: You resupply me with certain plants & chemicals I need. I have a list. You give me 3 or 4 people who can cook, on permanent loan, so that I can eat things that weren't made by alien robots. You don't tell the UNSC that I made a deal with a terrorist planet. I don't tell them anything about you either. That's my version of working together.'
'I can't give you my people. Nobody owns anybody here. But I may be able to find 4 volunteers, if you treat them well & let them leave after a term of service with you.'
'Yes! Sure! God, I'm not as awful as I look, don't worry. The name's Dr. Ellen Anders.'