Children of Chaos
Recently, in my adult years, I realized I was addicted to chaos. I fell into the pits of crazy wildfires and swirling winds to find myself reliant on some sort of substance to help me escape. The world around me was a raging fiery tornado and to slow it down the only way I knew how was to subdue my instinct to run by numbing the pain. I relied on outside influences to console my inner child. It would be someone else’s words, opinions or experiences that I would search for because I couldn’t trust my inner wisdom. It was hallucinogenics, alcohol and nicotine because it was the only way I could feel in control. To be able to create a false sense of contentment.
Eventually all those vices were falling apart at the seams of my very carefully stitched backpack of soul. I began to feel animosity towards those who only ever showed me love. I gave them the power and inner views of my constricting thoughts. My power to make decisions for myself. I was projecting the inward form of rejection of my intuition. Having these thoughts were enough to make me sick. Sick with disgust that I could no longer speak. I subdued my voice. I put restrictions on myself because I couldn’t look in the mirror to view the soul I was becoming. I locked myself away in fear of the thoughts that would come and consume my mind while trying to enjoy my loved ones company. Substances numbed me. Clouded my view of this catastrophe happening inside of me. I couldn’t stand the evil I had thought I was becoming. This form of self I wouldn’t love so who else would?
The sense of control I had, the false sense of progress I bared and the insecure wall I had caged my inner child within had finally disintegrated. I spent a lot of time and effort on myself and my inner demons that when I was forced to step into the old me I realized how far I didn’t come. I was stagnant in chaos this whole time. Amongst my demons where it was safe, where I felt the most comfortable.
The speed of light is the fastest form of movement. It’s the fastest to slip through the foundation and disappear into darkness. No matter how far I stepped into the light of my higher self, the darkness, my demons were right there behind me. Every step of the way. They provided me with the motivation to move forward. To break the cycles. Don’t they deserve the amount of attention and love I give to my highest form?
As I walked though the valley I found gods compassion. The love I couldn’t have for myself was filled with the love for god. I finally let go of the control and instinct to run and let god guide me. God came in the form those around me and those I didn’t feel I could lean on. The most unexpected places and people.
My anecdote of compassion for self was ironically written in the pits of chaos.
