It’s been a while since I have done this but I just need to get some things out..... this might be a long one....
For almost 3 years I have been with someone. I thought he was the one in a sea of many other “the ones”. But really, he was the only one I really saw myself having a family with. Wasn’t ever really interested in having kids before. The idea of spitting children out of my body and then raising little clones of myself terrified me, but with him it seemed possible. It seemed less scary and I was optimistic about the idea. Well, I’ll try to make this as brief as possible since I have more than 3 years to cover here. I moved out about a month ago. The living situation with each other wasn’t ideal and I just couldn’t do it anymore. To add more to that we would get into arguments and when that happened he would say things to hurt me. Things he knew that would hurt me like suggesting that we should break up and things of that nature. It happened twice before. He would say we need to break up; he was immovable on the subject; I’d cry, go to my friends house where she would console me and tell me it’s for the best. I would also start telling myself it’s for the best and really get used to the idea that it was over only for him to text me or call me and tell me that he didn’t mean it. To come back. We’ll work on it. I forgave him those two times. I didn’t want to be broken up with him. Well, it happened a third time, only this time he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. That stung. That was worse than just breaking up because I can’t do anything to fix that. After that was said, I hopped into my truck, I ran some errands, had a pretty shitty day and broke down. Later on he did exactly what he had always done: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. We’ll work on it.”
I’m mad. I’m still mad about that. My heart has been so blocked up since he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and even more so when I realized to what extend he is willing to go to hurt me. I knew that he had a manipulative side when he wanted certain results but to just sink that ship for no good reason? I was glad I moved out if not because of the undesirable living situation but just because I couldn’t stand being around him. I still loved him but I really, really didn’t like him.
After I moved out, that’s when I started kind of trying again. Doing the whole “wooing” thing. This sort of opened up another can of worms for me because we have already been together for almost 3 years, and we’ve known each other for 10 years. I just moved out because he doesn’t seem to want to commit to me at all and because he’s a big manipulative jerk. I kept telling myself, “Well... he’s trying. That’s admirable.” At the same time I was also asking myself, “Is it too late for trying, though?”
I’m still asking myself that.
Tonight, though, I decided I wanted to make more of an effort. I’ve been giving him nothing but the cold shoulder since I left and something inside of me (the mushy, feel-y side of me) sorta emerged for the first time in a month.
I was on my way home from my friends house and I decided to drive by his house to see if he was home from work yet since I know he went in earlier in the morning. I was going to surprise him but his car wasn’t in the drive way. I texted him asking him if he was still working and that one of these days we’ll see each other again. He started texting me back maybe an hour later saying he was now driving home from work. Yada yada yada. Long story short, I didn’t end up seeing him. He went to go hang out with his cousins at Buffalo Wild Wings. I asked him if he wanted to stop by my place to say hi since he was in the area, after he was done, he said yeah, but I figured he would be there a while and I was already starting to fall asleep since I had a long exhausting day. But this is the thing that bothered me the most about our text conversation.... On 3 occasions I told him that I loved him and not once did he reciprocate. I know how girly and paranoid that sounds but it really is quite disheartening. I think I give up.
To tell you the truth, I feel like I’ve lost that something that made me me. I haven’t really felt like the real me in a long time and I think it’s because of my relationship with him. He’s stressful. He puts a lot of pressure on me to be different and to make more money. He doesn’t understand my anxiety and depression issues and just tells me to suck it up whenever I have some kind of “episode”. In fact, recently, I checked my rest heart rate on my Fitbit and it has gone down by at least 10 points since I haven’t been living with him. If you can imagine, my resting heart rate while I was living with him was averaging 91BPM. 91 resting heart rate! I’ve now gone down to an average of 78BPM.
I haven’t really been all that creative, either. I’ve stopped writing. I’ve stopped painting. I’ve stopped doing stupid little crafts that serve no purpose and will never see the light of day. I think it’s because of him. He’s very critical. He often points out the negatives of something before even thinking of the positives if he can find any. A lot of times I would keep any of my little projects to myself and do it when he wasn’t home or looking because I just didn’t want to hear what he had to say about it.
But with all the negatives I have listed and the ones I haven’t I knew at one point he did love me and most of the time the only way he knew how to show it was to make sure I had somewhere to live and was safe.
So why am I writing this? Why now? Because it’s eating at me. Because I sound like a broken record inside of my head and I need it to get out. Because if I vent about it then I can go to sleep instead of letting it gnaw at me. I’m not looking for any kind of validation from anyone at all. I doubt anyone reads my blogs anymore, anyway. But I do prefer to write for an anonymous audience because then it feels like someone is listening. My thoughts are out there in the void and they don’t have to stick around with me anymore. I might sound ridiculous, and that’s fine, because most people have moments in their life where they sound ridiculous and then they move on. I just needed this cathartic experience.
