Blurry ir Sharp.
Summary: With those little eyes always watching him, there was a reason to be good and that was the truth, she brought out the best in him without even trying. Until he wasn't good anymore.
Cw. Platonic in that it's a father-uncle relationship of Shane with Charlie, Lili it is a pet name Shane gives to Charlie(Reader), pure unadulterated Angst, typical canon violence, death of the main character (Reader who will have name Charlie only but no appearance), if you like Lori please don't read it save this because it will hurt, blood and death, graphic descriptions of violence, use of high-flown words.
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Shane knew that relatively speaking he was not a good person, if lusting after his best friend's wife was anything like a requirement to score because it was. But just as he knew there was a cruel streak in his heart, he tried to hide the goodness at all costs even if he lost his fingernails trying to push that soft, harmless, vulnerable, white part of his subconscious down, he tried, he tried but he could never quite do it. It was bad, he knew it and so did Rick but Rick being Rick never let it go, never.
He had a good friend and he himself was a bad friend, he knew it.
Desiring someone else's woman was not normally his style and not his common modus operandi, it was not a characteristic of his properly practiced only step, or maybe in that vacuum he wanted to hold on to what would hurt him the most, what would hurt the only person who believed in him with his eyes closed. Because he knew Rick Grimes was that good, that's how good he believed in him and it was so heartbreakingly painful to acknowledge it, to acknowledge that he could stab Rick and he would try to believe (or create, who knows) a motive behind his action. Was it supposed to feel that painful to have a friend? Was it supposed to feel that way? Because it was so painful and sometimes so rewarding.
Selfishly he wanted it to keep hurting, to burn on the skin all the way to the bones.
He was a selfish man, he always knew that.
But, he couldn't do that to Rick; hurt him more than Lori already did. He could see it, fuck wearing the uniform of a Sheriff's deputy, he could see it in those eyes that he had seen for so many years, anguished, dull, tired and full of boredom from start to finish. He didn't know, he was somewhat allergic to commitment (except for keeping his hands to himself and away from Lori) so sometimes he would blurt out comments of genuine support among others that were just light teasing that made his friend laugh sarcastically, wearily but it was a laugh all the same. Rick Grimes was one of his friends, the best he loved or hated at the same time, he was an unpleasantly sweet amalgam that always lived inside his chest; behind the bones of his ribs between soft and bloody organs that still throbbed, an amalgam that he would fight not to let go but would fight to keep the balance.
A delicate balance.
Like the one he always saw Rick maintain in his life, it was like watching a movie that you know will end badly but you clearly can't communicate to the main characters and protagonists that the sleazy killer was inside the hall closet they were about to walk through, it felt like watching a movie you didn't want to see. And then it happened, his friend had children; twins or twins (he didn't know and couldn't remember exactly), two little things he saw in the hospital named Carl and Charlie, he felt at that moment like crying holding two little things so vulnerable, with their little faces all scrunched up from having stimuli they weren't used to but wanted to touch everything.
Lori and Rick's children were beautiful, she always knew.
And he thought, maybe, maybe he could see what his best friend would be better at, right? He always heard from his colleagues at the station that a child soothed, healed their marriages and brought them together in the painful process of caring for their babies, it was a process of going crazy between little humans depending on them and dealing with everything. It was wrong, and she saw it all the time when there was some disdain in Lori for Charlie but not for Carl, something about Carl being easier to take care of but not Charlie.
Wasn't a mother supposed to love her two children always?
It was a question on the tip of his tongue as he watched Rick care for Charlie more than Carl, not because of preference but because Lori prioritized Carl and he knew, at the time that Lori only wanted one child, not two and that hurt Rick in a way that no beating, punch or bullet could How would he feel in that situation? He didn't know. Broken, maybe? Who knows. So he found himself being the good friend, helping to take care of Charlie who as a baby was a quiet child, big-eyed and always curious even when she could only babble and gurgle as her main communication.
That's how Charlie grew up, with a mother moderately present and a father (two fathers, Rick always joked when helping him take care of Charlie) present.
Watching a girl, a daughter grow up was both sweet and bitter because he loved Charlie as a daughter but she was not his daughter which tore him apart in a thousand ways, in ways no one ever could.
He stopped wishing, longing for his best friend's wife but instead longing for a daughter (Charlie specifically).
He was selfish, he knew.
It was bad, he recognized that.
It was just plain disturbing? Maybe, but with Charlie in his arms everything was better and the sun always shone brighter, the breeze was cooler and he felt like less of a bad person.
The twins were always close, a strange and very unconventional union that he saw in Carl and Charlie, they could talk to each other without needing to talk, they fought but they were silly childish fights, they understood each other without any need to speak or express it and even according to Rick they both had that creepy language of their own, although Rick said it with a laugh.
He was envious of the life Rick had but at the same time he didn't want his life; having a wife who didn't love you and was looking for the slightest opportunity to fight must not be pleasant. He himself had dated countless women, casual encounters and a few relationships here and there that never became formalized because commitment made him allergic (except for the commitment to be the best uncle in the world that his two little nephews put on his shoulders).
That was a beautiful memory and one that always made him feel better when everything weighed, it had been his birthday and far from Rick or his family (with whom he didn't talk much) they knew it, but Rick always insisted on celebrating it and even Lori so he always gave in, feigning annoyance but the twins when they were already seven had gone out of their way to buy him a present themselves, a chain with a number 22 on it which wasn't the best (he knew because well they were kids who got money by doing favors for the older neighbors in their area) but it was like giving him diamonds, number 22 because it was the number he wore when he played soccer Carl had said and because gold looked nice on him Charlie had argued, followed by putting a crown on it; to the best uncle in the world who squeezed his heart; to see Carl always the quiet little boy and his little sister Charlie always quieter than he was. It was the best gift, and he would never take it away.
Taking care of his nephews was easy, it made him feel light, like he was floating, everything was easier with them. That's how he watched them grow up, they were two little gremlins that he sincerely adored although Charlie adored him more, he always wanted him to go to every event he had at school; theater even if it was a tree, when he started archery and when they gave her some recognition, and Rick always without fail passed him those little invitations created by hand by Charlie's handwriting that he always kept.
They were simple nephews, not because taking care of kids was easy (hell no, sometimes they were hard but that was part of it).
Where Carl was more of a treasurer of some object or present; like comics, some book that would interest him, some toy like the toy gun that he always kept in his room and the comics well kept for a little boy.
With Charlie it was more presence than presents, he didn't ask for many presents but he always asked for his dad Rick's presence and always next to Rick was him, without fail, and Rick was never jealous or anything.
They were both parents. He had heard over the station from his buddies when they saw their wallpaper; a picture of the twins on a day camp with Rick carrying Carl on his shoulders and himself carrying Charlie in his arms, both kids with huge smiles on their faces from sleeping in tents and having a campout.
They were simple children to please and make happy.
Until Rick fell into a coma induced by his injuries in a chase, having to watch Carl and Charlie crumble like a sand castle was painful, as if someone was removing layer by layer of skin from his own body. Was that what it felt like when his mother as a teenager told him that parents felt their children's pain? Properly they weren't his children, but as if they were.
His best friend's coma seemed to be the prelude, the synopsis of a book that if he had only read it would have left his skin crawling with the amount of anguish he would feel as he read each chapter but no, it was his life now; violent attacks here and there, an outbreak of a virus that no one knew what it was because it was not influenza because he knew it did not provoke violent and cannibalistic attacks. The police, being in the position of sheriff while his friend was recovering, saw firsthand the result of riddling those who cannibalized others in the streets of King County, some drug had been speculated at the station until the authorities above could no longer hide anything. A new virus that no one understood was bringing everyone back to life, he heard that and immediately went for Rick but even though he wanted to take him his friend was in a coma, he was barely moving and he couldn't unplug him or he would die.
He felt like the worst human being on the face of the earth when he left the room, leaving a stretcher locked to the door and the curtains closed so no one would see him.
Everything was fast, his instinct kicked in; he had filled his Jeep with supplies and weapons, because he saw all his companions fleeing for their families when he returned to the station winding through walkers (as he heard they referred to those that ate humans) to Rick's house to get his family out, if he left Rick behind at least he could go for his family; Lori, Carl and Charlie.
They left King County with their soul in a thread and fear in their veins.
The fear never left him, being the leader (as he always longed to be, weaving envy of his friend) was not easy, it was stressful, tiring, exhausting and destroyed his bones, maybe that's why he got involved with Lori (or maybe because he never forgot that desire that intensified when he took care of the children, he wanted Rick's family or to be Rick's family, the crisis did not allow him to decide). The camp was kept well away from any town, away from the road and near a quarry. They were doing well, until that group had to go for supplies.
A bad feeling settled in his gut but he tried hard not to think about it, they were strong and would return.
But he never thought it would all go to shit so bad, he couldn't get mad at Rick for going back to his family but he could get mad at Lori (because he wanted to blame someone, he had to blame someone). The quiet camp was attacked by walkers from one instant to another; Amy died, everyone gathered protecting and there were many walkers, he tried hard to order the children to stay behind their mothers but when they finished with everyone with the help of the group that returned (looking for Merle as if he cared outside that he was a good asset to protect the group), was when he saw him; among the chaos as if in slow motion, enlivened with Andrea's screams for her sister.
Charlie had been surrounded in her attempt to run after Lori, because Lori prioritized Carl...again. A walker had her against the ground as she struggled, shot and ran to her, hugging her as she shoved the walker off her but cold terror seized him as he held her in his arms, not caring that there were walkers still.
"I-I don't want to be one of them" sobbed Charlie's broken little voice, clinging to him with all her might, little hands squeezing the fabric of his shirt with all her might "I-I don't want to Uncle Shane".
He never felt what it was like to have ice creep into his bones, never experienced that feeling until now seeing the bite on Charlie's shoulder, not when his blood covered her hands and part of her cheek when he hugged her, but seeing her crying little face from fear, from terror tore at his soul as if a walker had bitten him and he wished it had been him. That it was him who had been bitten.
Why?
"It will be all right Lili, it will be all right" he found himself saying, to the frightened little girl who watched her with eyes full of pain, of recognition and it was the most painful, the most cruel thing Charlie knew, he knew how it would end "L-Lili, it will be all b..."
She struggled to be able to speak, to want to give her comfort like those days at camp where she was excited but she was afraid of the sounds of the forest but didn't want to express it because Carl you were excited to spend days in the forest, but maybe her eyes were too expressive because Charlie cried, cried more silently trying not to make noise and could only hug her, hug her tight.
She disconnected from everything, hearing the cries of Carl fighting against his parents to see Charlie but she stood q with Charlie's small body in her arms, hiding the wound.
Everyone understood.
He couldn't blame Rick for trying to hold Carl back, that he didn't see what happened to Charlie so he really didn't separate from Charlie, holding her close and letting her cry on his chest. Even if his knees ached from standing on rocks it didn't matter, he could rip his heart out if it would erase the horrendous wound on Charlie's thin shoulder; nicks on the skin that opened the flesh until he could see inside the flesh where blood was pouring out relentlessly even if he squeezed the wound in a vain attempt to keep her from bleeding out, because his mind was blocked; if he kept her from bleeding out maybe, just maybe she wouldn't go away.
But he could feel her crying, moaning from the pain and clinging tightly to his clothes, begging not to turn, not to leave. Not to let him hold her, and he didn't, he didn't, he didn't.
It was the worst night of his entire life, surpassing all those nights where he felt like the worst human being in the universe, where he tried to commit suicide as a young man because he felt empty, when he understood that he was envious of his best friend but not envious of the pain he felt. It was the night that would mark his soul forever, enlivened with Carl's semi-drowned screams asking to see his sister, blurting out profanities when his parents stopped him with all their might.
How would it feel to lose a twin? He didn't know but seeing the reflection in one of the cars as Rick and Lori barely managed to keep Carl, he even saw him clawing at the ground trying to get away, punching and kicking in between sobs to go, but they wouldn't let go and when he saw his friend, he knew.
How could a father kill his daughter?
«You're her father too Shane, don't take credit for it»
She held Charlie's body, squeezing it in an attempt to keep the life from draining out of her, to keep the virus from making a dent in her but in the middle of the night with the painful silence all around being broken even by Carl crying, pleading he wanted to see his sister or sometimes he had the strength to keep fighting clawing, kicking and wanting to scream. He understood Carl, he himself wanted to scream until his lungs gave no more, until he felt his vocal cords tear and let the fucked up universe know that he hated it, hated this fucked up world.
With her eyes filled with new tears, she gently slid her hair off her forehead outlining her features, the same features she would never have the chance to see mature and grow into what she wanted to be; which varied from being a hairstylist one day, a firefighter one day, a model the next and a garbage collector the next (she never knew why) until she and her twin agreed to become cops; just like him and Rick.
Carl wanted to be the deputy sheriff and Charlie the Sheriff, they had even created paper and cardboard badges imitating the real ones.
He slid his finger down his nose having to force himself to hold back the sobs, and the crying. She stroked the hair Charlie wanted to let grow, that she dreamed of being able to braid into braids.
"Y-You know something Charlie?" he questioned softly, only to Charlie who barely managed to open his eyes no longer in tears only sharp pain that he couldn't stop "I had a-learned to do your hair for when your hair grew" he found himself saying, he had practiced countless nights with a colleague at the station who let him practice with the videos he watched as well as she taught him, it tore at his soul to know that now he would not be able to wow his daughter niece with his amazing styling skills (it was kind of terrible) and he could only try to attempt a smile when Charlie smiled, he tried to ignore the blood that was already welling up between his lips "and t-tell you I'm good."
"Y-yes?" question the girl, hardly because the sharp pain so cruel was slowly waning like when she was starting to get sleepy after eating at home, playing in the sun with her twin and feeling that light sleep that made her dizzy, still the girl knew. Charlie wasn't dumb, Uncle Shane let her and Carl know what the walkers were , to not downplay them and know how dangerous they were but when they arrived she had wanted to run into mom's arms but she had taken Carl and Sophia, she was left outside the circle and ran as best she could from the walkers but between running and trying to get to Uncle Shane or Jim she couldn't anymore, the walkers were bigger and she couldn't do more "l-later when we're okay, can you make me u-braid?"
Shane never wanted to kill himself as much as he did now, hearing Charlie's broken and almost slurred little voice, he bit his lips for not crying at the top of his lungs as he wished but instead affirmed, seeing nothing but the little face of his daughter niece who was now covered in cold sweat, blood and a few hairs sticking to her skin from the sweat, the bite on her shoulder was still as violent but now swollen, the blood was still flowing even though he squeezed, still flowing like a slow river between his fingers and those little eyes that always saw him, with which he never felt out of place, little eyes that he loved to see shine.
Never again would he be able to see the beautiful eyes of his little girl?
Maybe his work colleagues were always right, he was a father without knowing it (omitting the joke that he was the wife and Rick was the husband) joke that didn't make him laugh now, just want to scream to the world and to God why should a little girl die like that? Why her? Why her and not him?
He held Charlie as he began to lose strength, listening behind him to Rick crying, to Carl screaming in a muffled way because they were covering his mouth to avoid the noise so as not to attract more walkers. He carried the body of his pretty-eyed little girl who always insisted on riding in the passenger seat of his Jeep, who wanted to dress like the "I want pants like Uncle Shane's!" was a sentence that gave him such a laugh at the time, but right now it was making him want to shoot himself next to his little girl.
It felt painful to have a daughter.
Because Charlie became like a daughter to him even though she would not carry his blood, but she was.
And it hurt like a thousand hells, as if hell was creeping into her blood and there was no cure, like the virus that now ran through Charlie's blood, that was making her slowly lose strength, her breathing becoming so slow, so shallow. That she didn't even notice when Rick approached and out of mere instinct she wanted to pull away, to walk away with Charlie but when the weight of her friend's hand fell on her shoulder she knew, they were leaning.
Why?
He couldn't even look his friend in the eye and he couldn't even let go of Charlie who could barely open his eyes, but to see Rick kiss Charlie's forehead, to promise him that afterwards nothing would hurt anymore and everything would be okay, but he saw it in his eyes; I can't, I can't. It was painful to acquire that commitment, but now he didn't feel allergic it was as if death itself was handing him his oz to do his job, in part it was and feeling Rick hug Charlie even though he wouldn't let go, it felt like goodbye.
"I-I love you Lili, I love you so much, I will love you always" Rick said, trying not to burst into tears and even more so seeing Shane, his friend and brother so destroyed holding his daughter Charlie with the strength of a thousand men but as weak as a dying man, it certainly felt that way, because fuck even though Lori had her twins Charlie was growing between her thigh and Shane, with Carl always holding her hand why did it have to be like this? It had only been days of finding her family again but it hurt so much, she gently ran Charlie's hair backwards seeing his features and longing to memorize them always to never forget them, even more so as his eyes were slowly starting to turn a milky white, and the fever was rising "I a-love you more every day my girl, always and C-Carl loves you, loves you so much, we will always love you baby, always and never stop, never."
And the pain was increasing as Carl again began to scream but Lori to the fair was holding him down, but he was kicking and clawing, begging to see his twin but nothing, even Dale and Darly held him down but still he tried, even clawing at the gravel but he could only see Shane's back and some of Charlie's hair, but even though he tried no one would let him and Carl didn't mind looking crazy, struggling and crying because he felt his shoulder tearing, so close to his neck and a pain he shouldn't feel. Because he wasn't hurt. Carl was fighting so hard, he didn't mind kicking mom or hitting whoever came near him but he had to see him, he wanted to see her and know that everything would be okay, he couldn't lose his sister, he couldn't but Darly was holding him tighter and Dale was keeping him from moving forward.
"P-please mom!" pleaded in a broken voice Carl trying to get out of mom's arms, clawing, biting and kicking Darly and Dale away, struggling even though mom was holding his hands "I-I want to see her!"
That anguished plea brought Shane to tears How do you tell a nine-year-old that his twin could be dangerous? How can you tell a brother that his sister would die from the virus and had to be finished off? Shane felt like death itself holding something beautiful that was withering between his fingers, he was like that a little bit so when Rick hugged him tightly without caring about the blood that covered his hands, his cheek and shirt he understood, Rick couldn't and didn't have the strength to do it, he himself didn't either but he wouldn't tell his best friend, his brother.
He just affirmed, a mild sentiment and Rick retreated with a broken heart.
The sun was gently rising over the horizon letting the rays of sunlight tint the darkness away from the dark tones, the coldness of the night and the stars that took several people in the camp. The cold gradually waned, and dawn broke across the sky, a merciless sun because it would no longer shine on those who died under it.
Shane from hours ago at dawn no longer felt a heartbeat, Charlie's breath had stopped flowing and he saw his little eyes slowly lose their sparkle, he didn't have the strength to see the change in the soft hue of his irises so he gently lowered his eyelids, feeling the strength of his sobs break his throat to come out. He wanted to cry until he was dehydrated, wanted to scream until his vocal cords broke and the blood itself choked him to death. No one told you that carrying the body of your dead daughter would hurt so much, but it hurt as much as if the sun swallowed him and burned his insides to ashes.
"My child" whispered Shane with a broken voice, trying not to scream from the pain he felt tearing that which the walkers nor anyone else could never touch, that impalpable love he could never deliver, that incomprehension of the emptiness he felt but which Charlie took in his small hands with a smile, She pressed her forehead against her daughter niece's forehead shedding tears that fell on her cheeks wiping away the blood and dirt leaving her skin showing, the sun was hot but her being would never feel warm again after seeing her little girl "P-please open your eyes" she begged, desperation in her voice and in a ridiculous attempt that she would come back to life, that she would wake up because she believed that sleeping in her arms was better than alone.
But maybe her waking up was too cruel, because slowly with slight muscle spasms and before Shane's eyes, Charlie slowly opened her eyes but there was no more color just that dull hue and her hands moved, slow as if trying to hold something but they were left just trying to hold something she couldn't.
The camp, refused to see it because of the dull pain they felt.
A family tried to contain a child who was crying at the top of her lungs, as if she felt everything her twin felt.
Shane held the back of Charlie's neck with one hand, watching her react and rise, her body reanimated by the virus and her eyes filled with that dull, gray, milky hue he saw in the walkers but prayed he would never see in Carl or Charlie, but was now witnessing up close, he felt Charlie's little hands try to grab him or hold on to something, in a weak grip only gross not fine motor skills and he put his forehead next to his little daughter's, the daughter who didn't carry his blood but by some chance of fate fell into his life feeling Charlie try to move, He kissed her forehead for the last time remembering the scent of that little girls perfume that Charlie always ordered from the hygiene and beauty section of the mall when he came to go with him, and that he always bought for her even though Lori would get mad at him because Charlie already had several in his room, he always had a weakness for Charlie and right now catching the last vestige of that scent, the scent of home, of his daughter that he would never remember again he separated his lips from the cold skin now and saw her for the last time.
He wanted to memorize her little face.
He wished he could remember her voice.
Never to forget the scent that always accompanied his sweet girl.
He implore heaven that Charlie in another life could live and grow.
The weight of his gun was immense on his hip, it weighed so much it might as well be breaking his bones but he struggled. Shane gave his last efforts, holding the back of Charlie's neck still preventing him from biting him and when he had his hand on his gun, with Carl's hoarse and agonized screams, he pressed the barrel against Charlie's hundred seeing it one last time; it seemed like yesterday he had given to Charlie and Carl's preschool graduation, uncomfortable in that small theater among so many parents applauding for their children, until Rick pulled him to his side because he had reserved three seats. It seemed like yesterday when Charlie would run into his arms when he would visit his friend's house, when he could amaze the twins when he would show them little but cool things.
It seemed like yesterday when his heart adopted a daughter without his consent.
Shane no longer held back the sob that struggled to leave his being, and he closed his eyes for a second to gather strength, seeing his daughter turned and coming back to life, his voice barely coming out with the huge knot of daffodils he felt rooted in his throat "Charlie, I'll see you later, okay? Wherever you are, wherever you go we'll see each other later, I love you and I will always love you, I won't stop loving you any day of my fucking life" he swore, because it was the only and destroying truth his being could harbor, and then he did it he activated the mechanism of his gun pulling the trigger ending everything, listening to the scream at the top of his lungs that Carl gave that maybe Rick or Lori covered with their hands.
That day not only Charlie died, but Shane with her.
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I really cried writing this, but I wanted soul-wrenching angst and here I am. Lili is still the same affectionate thing Shane named Charlie(Reader), you can request
