October. Friday the 13th, We’ve come full circle, now haven’t we?
I think it was about now that I’d given up hope on my first Omeglecrush, Kiowa from England. this was the moment I knew and had the aha moment of “Finally. It’s over.”
Now, I’ve smoked quite a lot. I think maybe 5 bowl hits already. this is just the second round. (Listening to Darkness Turns to Light by White Poppy) I didn’t even realize it was Friday the 13th in the Spooky month until after I cleaned Dad’s office and asked myself “Hey, why the fuck am I doing this?”
I’ve had a revelation today, and that’s that yes, I can really do anything I put my mind to, but my focus shifts from time to time.
And then on top of that, thanks for giving me the strength to finally burn those damned paintings, Margarita. I don’t know what inspired me, but I guess it was just time.
First I had no freaking idea that I was so awesome before
I had no idea that basically anything i ever want to do, if i want it, it happens
i am unbelievably creative. and loving. and good.
i really underestimated my own potential.
And Shane, the reason why i like him so much is that intensity we shared. that was magic. and i keep expecting him to run away because of someone else who i felt intense with. that’s what i’ve been craving for so long. and now i may as well have it, but i’m being cautious because of the past. still going forward. much further today.
What I had with intensity in the past was built on lies, but with Shane he was undeniably honest from the get-go, even telling me the truth about what he was doing in the moment, no matter how guilty it made him feel. But the difference is, he knew he was doing something he wasn’t proud of, and ended up preventing himself from carrying out the action.
More important than anything, I need to go back doing art. what the fuck am i waiting for ? a muse? I’ve got one. Myself. Because I’m the most inspiring person I know right now.
Honestly, I didn’t realize that it was rare to be this way until I couldn’t really find anyone at all to relate to, so I hid behind drawing. and it became something I loved on accident. How was I supposed to know that other kids were not as good or as dedicated because I didn’t socialize? How did I know that hardly anyone actually gives 100% effort in anything? How do you pass that?
I’ve been undercutting myself for so long because I’ve always compared myself to a higher standard, my own potential. and the moment I wasn’t being challenged anymore, my passions shifted to something must more complicated. Love.
I focused always on building him up. Cherishing him. Wondering if this time was enough to actually keep his attention and if not, how would I pass the next test? Would he talk to me the next day, or did I scare him and need to apologize?
How would he ever find someone so rare?
How did he even believe he deserved me when he was so far off of the target? A rotten soul, full of himself, but full of resentment. Completely lacking in confidence. I deserve a whole person. Not this when I am so full of life and love.
What a gift it is and what a talent it is to believe in yourself. But thank god others believe in me more than myself and I have a basket of hands to fall back on if I fall.
I am creative. I am whole. I am multitalented. I am determined to be great at anything and everything. I will get the recognition I deserve tenfold. The time for me is greater than ever.
Let’s do this.
Make art. Make progress. You’ve come a long way girl. You put your past up in flames. You did it, now rise from the smoke.