#reference1

[alifeasvivid]

[alifeasvivid]

30, 31, 32, 39, 40

30. A trope you dislike about your identity?

>.> that trans men are butch lesbians and not who we say we are. I would not describe myself as butch at all

31. A trope about your identity that applies to you?

the constant pulling on the front of one's shirt >.> I do that.

32. Something you wish people understood about your identity?

I wish people understood *anything* about trans men. The only people who ever talk about trans men are, well, trans men. And terfs. When terfs talk about trans women, everyone listens, everyone wants in on the discussion for better or worse. When terfs talk about trans men, no one cares, no one listens. No one understands how they target us and try to erase us by convincing us we're actually butch lesbians or smth. That tactic works on a lot of trans masc people unfortunately.

Terfs and other transphobes just write us off as "confused women" and other queer people and allies are like "well you have male privilege so you're fine"

We're not fine. We're really not fine. We're not fine the same way all men are not fine. The existential crisis around masculinity in our society affects us too.

39. Do you have a type in partners?

>.> No. Emphatically I do not. The reason I say this is because any time I try to outline a "type," I'll meet someone who does not meet that outline at all or even meets criteria I've said I don't want and I just feel like the Universe is laughing at me like "bitch, you thought--!" so no. I don't XD other than.... no. you know what? I'm not even gonna say it, I've learned my lesson XD

40. Do you have a type in friends?

Yes: people who are not assholes That's pretty much it. I go through life looking for reasons to like people rather than the opposite. The people who tend to stick around are people who are at least as smart as I am and who have an extremely high tolerance for silliness

Thanks for the ask :D

[alifeasvivid]

6, 10, 12, 14? 😚

6. What made you realize your current labels fit you?

pansexual: well I went to therapy and got past some trauma and realized I am totally not asexual like I had thought. I'm not... a huge fan of the term "demisexual" but the concept applies to me, so the way I see it, if I need to have an emotional connection to someone to be attracted to them, then... their gender can't really matter that much. So. Pansexual.

trans man: I spent forever *wanting* to be one, but I felt like I couldn't be... so I had to sit (and also talk to my therapist) and figure out why that was and once I did a lot of deconstructing, I realized that's what I am. Although my nature is to be as flexible as possible, so for right now, I haven't completely shed the NB label yet and I don't know if ever will.

>.> basically I like having options.

10. When did you realize you weren’t cishet?

I realized I wasn't heterosexual when I was a teenager and I realized I wasn't cis in 2014 when I was like... 24/25? (I have a lot of Feelings about being that old when I figured it out.) Someone asked me my pronouns and it threw me into an existential crisis and then a journey of self-discovery XD

12. Favorite flag(s) visually?

I love the pan flag ^-^ it makes me so happy. Such happy colors. I love the rainbow flag too (and the most common updated version I've seen).

I liked the agender flag until I realized it reminds me of Danny Phantom LOL

14. Favorite animals?

>.> caaaattttss but also I like sea turtles, orcas, and snakes (most reptiles really), sharks and rays, and basically any wild cat/big cat XD I'm basic it's okay

[alifeasvivid]

note to self for possible use in future fics: “Ugh. You top tonight. I’m fucking exhausted.”

[alifeasvivid]

Lonely Together

a usuk playlist about pining (spotify) - I figured out how to restore all my old playlists from itunes and I was very pleased to find this one in tact so I recreated it on spotify

subtitle: too tsun tsun to live, too dere dere to die lol also there is somewhat a reasoning behind the order of the songs

(and now I’m gonna do the thing where I list all the songs and a lyric that is emblematic of why I chose the song and who I think is singing to whom because I feel like it)

-Lonely Together - Avicii feat. Rita Ora (A ↔︎ E) My hands are tied, but not tight enough, you’re the high that I can’t give up . . . . I know I can’t change you and oh, I won’t change . . . . let’s be lonely together... -Skinny Genes - Eliza Doolittle (E → A) I really don’t like the way you smile when you think you’re right . . . . when the night always ends with a fight, I’m excited that you’ll wind up next to me... -Crazy for You -  Scars on 45 (A → E) Well, I’m sure I get under your skin for I’ve tried almost everything . . . . how in the hell can I make you see that every single word that you say, every little thing that you do, hits like a hurricane when I'm secretly crazy for you? -I’m Yours - Alessia Cara (E → A) Nobody asked you to get me attached to you, in fact- you tricked me! . . . . you make me sick for being so perfect . . . . but the way you hold me makes the old me pass away... -If I Am - The Madding Crowd (A → E) If I am another waste of everything you dreamed of, I will let you down... if I am only here to watch you as you suffer, I will let you down... -Breathe Me In - Jared and The Mill (E → A) Farther than your eyes can go beyond the wind and sea, my dear ones may not know this, but I used to be set free . . . . It's a shame to know that I'm as innocent as hell . . . . save my soul, don’t make me wait... -Alien - Sabrina Carpenter, Jonas Blue (A → E) If you love me let me know. . . . don’t let me leave when I’m standing at your door; don’t make me stop when you really wanted more... -Flaws - Bastille (A ↔︎ E) You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground. Dig them up. Let's finish what we've started . . . .  there’s a hole in my soul, can you fill it? Can you fill it...? -The Descent - Other People’s Heartache/Bastille (A ↔︎ E) Be the one, be the one, be the one to call me baby... even though you're the one who would always tear me down . . . . you won’t say it to my face... -The Runner and the Lover - Former Vandal feat. Shelby Merry (E → A) I could love you, but that alone is the reason why i can't. Love is nothing but a weakness... (A → E) I can't love you when I can’t even learn to love myself. Love is nothing but a weakness... (A ↔︎ E) And I will run because lovers love and then lovers leave and if you say you love me... then where does that leave me? -Brothers on a Hotel Bed - Death Cab for Cutie (A ↔︎ E) ‘cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides... like brothers on a hotel bed... (there is no more iconic England&America song than this, imo) -Aftermath - Lifehouse (A ↔︎ E) The worst is far behind us now, we'll make it out of here somehow... meet me in the aftermath... -Yours If You Want It - Rascal Flatts (A → E) You've got a place to lay your head on the other side of my empty bed and it's just made for fallin’ . . . . Every kiss already feels like you own it; Baby, it's yours if you want it... -Only A Game - Scars on 45 (E → A) ...But I know that you know together we stand, divided we fall. . . . I've given you more than I want, so take a little less than you need. Everything keeping me here is standing right beside of me... -Peace - O.A.R. (A → E) ...Oh-oh, we don’t have to fight, oh just kiss me all night...  I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep; I want love; I want us; I want you; I want me; I want peace... -Before I Start Dreaming - Anchor & Braille (E → A) Lonely empires fill the night's imagination. A distant land, a foreign hand, and I'm patient. I tried to take you, but you wouldn't wait and see. . . . I’ll wait til you’re asleep before I start dreaming... -We’re Wild Animals (We Always Were) - Weaver at the Loom (A → E) But how was I to know that gravity would let me go? . . . . You said, 'Come back down, there's love here now. I'm your way back around. Come down...' -Oceans Away - Arizona (E → A) Few thousand miles and an ocean away, but I see the sunrise, just like the other day. Picture your eyes as I fall asleep Tell myself it's alright. . . . I wish I could feel your face... -Already Home - A Great Big World (A ↔︎ E) All I have is this feeling inside of me.. the only thing I've ever known . . . . promise you’ll wait for me, wait til I’m home... -Your Call (2008) - Secondhand Serenade (A → E) I’m tired of being all alone and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home . . . . I was born to tell you I love you -Fools - Lauren Aquilina (E → A) We've got our aim, but we might miss . . . . What if we ruin it all, and we love like fools? And all we have we lose? And I don't want you to go, but I want you so... so tell me what we choose... -Only You’re the One - Lifehouse (A ↔︎ E) Take my hand, I'm all yours now. I know you're the only one that would never lead me on... I'm with you when the lights go down 'cause you're the one and... only you're the one and... -Take You Home - Scars On 45 (A ↔︎ E) ... I'll be right by your side every time you try to say goodbye to me... Sometimes all the wheels can just fall right off, sometimes everything you've got is not enough, but there's no need to feel like all is lost... I'll take you home, right through the storm to your front door... -The Book Of Love - Peter Gabriel (A ↔︎ E) The book of love is long and boring, and written very long ago... It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes and things we're all too young to know... But I--I love it when you give me things and you--you ought to give me wedding rings... -Sing Loud - Alpha Rev (A ↔︎ E) And I'll be here till the colors fade... and I'll be here till your dying day... Sing loud from the rooftops, come dance on the river’s edge, carry me over mountains to the end of love...

[alifeasvivid]

Following the discussion of languages... what if you date someone who had your least preferred love language🤔

For example: I dated a boy who's love language was Physical touch... and I am someone who HATES being touched. Like BUBBLE no. It did not end well as he had no respect for boundaries either

I think you kinda answered the question, really. If two people can't communicate, it doesn't really matter how much they love each other, if neither of them feels seen or heard, they will likely break up.

If I were with someone who needed me to say, out loud, in words that I love them all the time, that would not work, no matter how much I actually loved them... because I can't say it. I choke on it. My feeling is if I'm doing things right, they shouldn't need me to say it, they should just feel it. You can see how this can lead to problems, I'm sure.

I think a lot of people see love as an emotion or an action or a work of art or a glue. They see it as... something humans experience, more or less. I think a lot of people see love as a social construct. Not that it isn't real, but that it wouldn't exist if we didn't originate it.

But I think Love is a force of the Universe. Like Gravity. I think its purpose is not to build us up or bind us together or destroy us or create us. It is not a feeling to be felt or a ritual to be performed or a trinket to be treasured; it can look like those things and many others, but at its most pure, I think its purpose is deconstruct us. To break us down into our smallest particles so that we can understand that, ultimately, we are indistinguishable from each other. We are being deconstructed until we are all the same, until everything in the Universe is one. The truest experience of Love that I know of is to realize that you have become more like someone you love and they have become more like you in equal measure.

Love is always there, even if you're talking right past the person you love and they're talking past you. And the experience not feeling loved and of your love not being received even if you're screaming it at the top of your lungs (usually metaphorically) is part of the deconstruction. You can love someone with all your heart and still not be able to be with them for any number of reasons.

Realizing that just because we love someone doesn't mean that we get to keep that person is difficult. But sometimes letting go of someone we can't communicate with is how we learn love languages that are different from ours and next time, we can communicate with others more easily... and learn their language... teach them ours... and, you know, maybe some day we'll all understand each other.

[alifeasvivid]

[alifeasvivid]

LGBT asks: 4, 15, 34? ☺️

:D

4. Past labels you’ve used?

bisexual as a teenager, asexual in college (thanks trauma!)... in terms of gender... agender, non-binary, trans masc (that one I still use... and tbh I still identify with NB too on some level)

15. Favorite things about being LGBT+?

>.> I mean aren't we just so much cooler and more fun than cishets? More colorful for sure XD idk I love being one of the weirdos on such an official capacity LOL as much as being marginalized sucks, there's something about my existence being inherently transgressive that appeals to me personally.

34. If you’re not cis, do you want HRT and/or surgery?

Yes, I want to start T and have top surgery. I could literally not care less about bottom surgery though (tmi? LOL)