the (relative) beauty myth
Not referring to the book by Naomi Wolf published in 1990, which talks about the fascinating observation that
The more legal and material hindrances women have broken through, the more strictly and heavily and cruelly images of female beauty have come to weigh upon us... [D]uring the past decade, women breached the power structure; meanwhile, eating disorders rose exponentially and cosmetic surgery became the fastest-growing specialty... [P]ornography became the main media category, ahead of legitimate films and records combined, and thirty-three thousand American women told researchers that they would rather lose ten to fifteen pounds than achieve any other goal...More women have more money and power and scope and legal recognition than we have ever had before; but in terms of how we feel about ourselves physically, we may actually be worse off than our unliberated grandmothers.[1] (taken from Wikipedia)
I remember sitting in the Tembusu Dining Hall one evening, having dinner with Dan and Dan’s friend, let’s call him X. That was the first time X and I had met. Somehow they got onto the topic of hot guys who are together with plain / ugly girls. I tend not to enjoy these sorts of conversations, but I like to think I contributed enough to the previous conversation topics, such that I didn’t seem socially awkward.
So their theory was that if a hot guy goes out with an ugly woman, then it means she must have a GREAT personality. Because there isn’t any other reason for him to shoot so below his league. *cringe*
Dan (jokingly) said, “ZZZ is quite hot!” (ZZZ being my ex). Then X said, looking at me in an evaluating sort of way, “oh so you must have a great personality” THAT, ladies and gentleman, is the epitome of a complisult. It makes me livid now that I think about it, not because he basically called me ugly (like ugly is objectively a bad thing? it only is a bad thing in a society that values beauty above all else in a woman, more on that later) but because he sees women like: hot women need not have any personality, apparently, to attract men (and attracting men is their only goal in life or something, winning at life already). while ugly women need to work their asses off and overcompensate in every other area in order to ‘beat out all the more physically attractive women’ (again, getting a man being the ultimate... objective). That’s kind of not how it works, it’s not like men survey every single woman based on physical attractiveness and choose the most good-looking one. And it’s not like it ONLY boils down to personality and hotness. There’s so many other variables (character, personal values, how does this person treat waiters, do they read, etc).
The point I want to make (and this is for my own reference, I’m not trying to preach) is that as I’ve grown older being beautiful in the eyes of men matters less and less. Beauty isn’t the ultimate objective, and articles have said this better than me, the body positivity movements telling you EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL makes it worse because it points to beauty as something attainable for everyone (meaning if you don’t try hard enough to get it it’s your own fault). Why do women have to feel beautiful? This is kind of the track that advertisements use, eg. ‘doesn’t it feel great when your hair falls perfectly in place?’ (not verbatim but this is actually an advertisement). Why don’t men have to feel beautiful?
Are there other ways to feel valued? I think that’s part of growing up. Finding other ways to see yourself, not just at the mirror but giving yourself points for +getting a good workout in, and hey I did more push ups today than the day before
+getting a good grade for a project I worked hard on
+little things like today i thought of something cool, and went to google, and learnt a lot
+today i did something kind for someone else
A much better list, I think, than +do I have fat thighs and too much cellulite? +are my boobs too saggy do they need a lift? +why is my hair not voluminous enough? +are my armpits too dark? +do i have saggy arms +OMFG DO I HAVE PORES
Better than the gym douche who took my photo for -i don’t know what reason but it’s for their records apparently- and I was taken aback so I went “wait, now? seriously” I was post-workout, no make up, hair in a bun, specs, and didn’t feel pretty at all. I’m kind of ashamed at my instinctual reaction which is ‘crap this may be captured on camera and mocked by random gymployees’. and the gym douche was like “don’t worry, you’re still very pretty!!!!!” and i really hated that he felt like he had to say that, like he had said it to all the women before me who reacted the same way to having their photo unexpectedly taken. and some other gym trainer who overheard started laughing, probably because he saw how inane it was for me to worry about my appearance when I’m there to work out, and the whole exchange, that whole “oh shit do i look pretty now” “yes you are pretty don’t worry” doesn’t actually make either party feel better tbh because it’s so, so hollow. this guy doesn’t know ANYTHING about me other than what i look like, literally he may not even know my name.
it makes me so self-conscious in public ‘do i look okay doing this’ ‘is my hair fine, the wind was so strong’ ‘how do i look now’ before i remind myself consciously that i am an explorer of the world not an object meant to look pretty. i get so caught up in being trapped in this body that i forget my mind can feel limitless.
