he’d left his kit in the car. stupid, stupid gabriel had left his kit in the fucking car where it’s no use to him. now, when all he has is the useless bullets tied around his neck and his own fear. the excuse of the jumpy, exhausted pattern of his thoughts becomes just as meaningless to him. gabriel knows about the dangers of port leiry, he knows to be prepared. this aimless, defenseless walk had led him right to reid. his jaw tightens with the memory of the last time they’d crossed paths, his fist, closed pathetically around nothing. he doesn’t say anything, but he does stop- freezes. the constant sound of his footsteps halting, sudden, and no longer can he keep the weight of what he’d been running from off of his shoulders. he’s so tired of it all, the running, the fear, the knowledge of all that had been ruined as a result of his hands. he can’t help but blame himself. it’s always been this way, and it doesn’t change anything. that blame is what glues his feet to the ground, what keeps him from turning his back on the dead man that he can’t call his family any longer. he doesn’t know what he’s watching for, what he’s waiting for.
late night wanderings sentence starters, accepting! ˎˊ˗
shame pours through her, potent and like a waterfall that never stops rushing. and it’s so loud. she ran away from home to get away from the feeling, and it was still here. all night and she had only continued to drop further down. loneliness. it was swallowing her whole. allie slips into a bad night easily. she loses everything, and it all becomes impossible to keep track of. to hold onto. the witch fights to find something solid, her hands hold on tight to the chains holding up the swing, reminding her of the walk to get here. why did she settle on a playground? maybe it’s all of the creaking, everywhere. tired eyes survey her surroundings, maybe for the first time. she’s more than a little wasted, and in her pretty party dress, only half-ruined. only half, she promises. those eyes, rife with exhaustion, fall down to ground, collecting the image of her painted toenails and bare feet against the dirt. none of it’s unusual, she’s always a little lost. but allie’s wanderings haven’t gotten this bad since she’s gotten to port leiry. she’s so tired, she realizes it with every passing moment, so tired- too tired to trace back all of the darkness.
go home. her eyes dart up at the sound of the voice, places the feeling of being startled but also more shame that she hadn’t heard the approach at all. the man in front of her existence draws everything out of that floaty space where sensation is lost. allie recognizes a blooming, burning feeling of pain on the side of her neck. like a bite, she thinks, absently. when did that happen?
go home, allie. except, he doesn’t say that, because he doesn’t know her name. he’s familiar like a photograph, whatever memory may be there slips through her hands like water. tall, dark, and handsome. probably, anyway. she’s kind of losing it, and it’s late enough that anyone could save her. “ i can’t. ” is the only thing that comes out of her mouth.
ANNALISE & HER FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. - to be, inevitably, updated.
ft. @reidhalstead @rosexhalstead @drownholywater-kennedy @nolanxthatcher
tws: abandonment, loss, death, sedation, kidnapping all mentioned
When you're born into a family like the Halstead's, a normal childhood is not something you're ever going to get. Growing up she watched her older brother and sister train, until she was finally old enough to join in. She watched them in awe, and became determined to be just as good as them if not better. Her mother and father were not ones you could go to with normal problems; they didn't coddle you when you were sick or injured, they told you that you need to be better. If you weren't feeling well mentally or you had a problem not related to hunting or training, they'd tell you to deal with it. Annalise longed for parents who cared, but she never got it. She didn't know if Reid or Rose had ever experienced that, or if it was simply last-born syndrome, but the love and care of her parents is all she wanted from a young age.
Instead, she set out to make them proud via her training. She trained as hard as she could, for as long as she could, never tapping out unless she absolutely had to ( which of course, was heavily frowned upon and her parents would not be happy ). Her feelings surrounding abandonment stemmed from the loss of parental love that she saw so many others receive as she grew up. Once her parents came home and told them Reid was dead, it spiraled.
She became terrified of losing anyone close to her, whilst simultaneously pushing away most people she was close to. Annalise not only lost her brother, she lost the permission to train which meant that she was cut off from the Brotherhood members. She was only lucky that she had a few contacts saved so that she could continue her training in secret with them. Kennedy took her under their wing, trained her whenever they had the spare time, but in the back of her mind all she could think about is them going on a hunt and never returning; or deciding that she wasn't worth the trouble. Despite the age difference she considered Kennedy a dear friend that she was, and still is, terrified one day won't return. She knew that Kennedy came and went, but sometimes when more time passed than usual, she would feel the panic rise within her, feeling sicker with each day that passed thinking she would never see her again.
Any time Rose left the house, she was scared out of her mind that her sister wouldn't come back. One day, that became true, just not in the way she imagined. Her older sister moved out, leaving her with the parents that had become impossibly colder after their eldest sons death. Then, she didn't know they were lying to her; now she knows, she can see it if she reflects back hard enough, but she tries not to think about those times. Her anger after then was often aimed at Rose, leading to a complete breakdown in their relationship for years, and Annalise feeling that she had been abandoned by her only remaining sibling; another person lost.
With both siblings gone, fear of abandonment and loss viciously evolved into anger and rage. Her parents had no idea how to handle that version of Annalise, the whole house feeling like a powder keg ready to explode at any given moment. She finally turned eighteen and moved out without looking back. Despite hating her parents for how they decided to raise their children, she still mourned the little relationship they had, and the relationship that she so dearly yearned for that never existed. With her parents out of her life, and her being eighteen years old, it was her choice whether she wanted to join The Brotherhood officially, and continue with her training. She did instantly, the day she turned eighteen, and continued her training with Kennedy in an official capacity. She ready quickly, and soon sent out on hunts.
She used her white hot rage against those she hunted, and her deep rooted anxiety to ensure they never left anyone behind. The people lost on the way, those that were injured, fueled her fears but the thought of them being taken away by those creatures made her continue. It was the lesser of two evils, losing someone on the job than losing them because they weren't culling the herd of supernatural creatures that descended on Port Leiry.
She reconnected with Nolan at around the time she turned twenty, and the world became a little less harsh. Her first healthy relationship, and, though words were never exchanged, she fell for him quite quickly. He was a lot of firsts for Annalise, including the person she lost her virginity to. Though never sure that she really believed that virginity was nothing more than a social concept designed for society to have yet another way of attempting to control women, even she had to admit that she felt the connection with him deepen because of it. Something in her brings her back to him in times of trouble, even now. A trust that perhaps shouldn't be there, but always will be.
Eventually, they ended the relationship; their morals no longer aligned. Annalise would always be a hunter, for as long as she could, and Nolan sat on the opposite side, desiring to join them. There was no big argument, no big clash of words or actions - they just both knew it couldn't continue. Despite the amicability of it all, Lis felt the loss deeply. She had never told him that she loved him, at least not that she remembered, but she had done; the loss of her first love almost tore her apart but she threw herself head first into her work as a hunter, and they came back to each other from time to time to fulfill their sexual needs and desires.
His betrayal at the masquerade hit hard, grabbing her when all hell broke loose, ready and willing to trade her to a vampire - for what, she still wasn't sure. The details were still unclear, and she didn't think she'd ever get the answer, but the vampire wouldn't take her so instead Nolan kidnapped and sedated her, draining her blood until the protections of verbena was out of her system and then drained her blood some more, she assumed to sell to vampires. Aside from the blood draining, he didn't hurt her, he looked after her, but that was when she realised that the version of Nolan she thought she knew was lost.
Just before the Halloween 2024, her brother made a surprise reappearance in her life. He hadn't died, like their parents led her and Rose to believe, not truly. He had been taken from them on the hunt and turned into a vampire. She was glad to have him back, and would be forever grateful that he wasn't actually dead, but things were understandably very different. Every conversation an argument, instead of the loving big brother she remembered. Her protector had been taken from her, and turned into a self-proclaimed monster; she refused to see him that way, but even Annalise couldn't argue that things were very different, and not the same. Despite him being back in her life, she's terrified of him leaving again and now, he's been missing for months.
However, with Reid coming back, her relationship with her sister Rose has been on the mend. Whilst Annalise still struggles with the fact that her sister left her behind in such a toxic household, she can now understand how desperately Rose had to get out of there; she knows now that you can't look after anyone until you look after yourself first. Still, she was suddenly thrown back into the thought that siblings aren't guaranteed to stay when Rose checked herself into a mental health facility, and admitted she'd had thoughts of ending her life. Annalise is scared to her very core that she'll lose her sister to something she can't kill, can't protect Rose from; herself.
With her long, convoluted history with abandonment, loss and fear it's no wonder the fear still strikes hard daily. Most of her rage comes from loss, in one form or another, and she's often acting out of fear until those walls come crumbling down and she crawls to whichever person she thinks can handle the current breakdown.
location: tideview university
time: wednesday night
who: @reidhalstead
She's exhausted and it's late. The library has largely cleared out by this point except for the few stragglers, equipped with their numerous cans of caffeinated beverages and energy drinks. There's a certain frenetic, yet sleepy energy that emerges at this hour and Jac knows it's probably time for her to head out.
She waves at the security guard stationed at the circulation desk, pulling out a chocolate chip cookie in a ziploc bag for him, to help him get through his shift. Baking was cathartic for her, or sometimes she just liked doing things with her hands. It helps to calm the racing thoughts in her brain, and she's only thankful that Lara doesn't actually need sleep so she doesn't accidentally wake her roommate with her 3am cookie sprees.
Jac tightens the straps of her backpack as she leaves the building, and a smile crosses her face as she sees a familiar blonde head at the bottom of the steps and she goes down to meet him. "Hey," she chirps. She digs into her bag and pulls out another cookie, only slightly squashed, and she holds it out for Reid to take. "I couldn't sleep last night," she said with a sheepish smile. It's not uncommon for her to show up with baked goods, either for her students or for other people she runs into. Strangers tend to be a little less mean when sugar was involved.
"How was your day?" she asked as she began walking by his side towards the part of campus that would take her to the bus stop. Apparently longboarding this late at night was frowned upon. "Or night, I guess? Anyone causing a ruckus?"
( txt 一 golden boy ) i've lost so much reid
( txt 一 golden boy ) idk what's going on with you, but i need you. i need you to get your shit together.
( txt 一 golden boy ) please. please, big brother. talk to me, let me help you.
( txt 一 golden boy ) i can't lose you too. i love you, no matter what.
SCENARIOS WITH UNDERTONES OF TENSION ( accepting )
@reidhalstead asked: one muse tries to pick a fight with the other because they’re upset, but they refuse to participate and hug them until they stop struggling.
"It's not good enough!" She was raising her voice now, uncaring of whether or not she was overheard or of his reaction. "You were gone for years, Reid. Years. Made us believe you were dead. Do you have any idea what that was like? What we both had to go through? How our loving parents treated us once their golden boy was gone? And she took the first fucking opportunity to get out of the house and leave me alone with them. And then I find out you've been parading around with a fucking psychopath all this time without a god damn care in the world!" Lis knew the last part wasn't true, yet she couldn't help but feel betrayed by her brother. All that lost time, all that grief fueling such white hot rage within the young hunter. "Saying that you didn't want to see us like that is not fucking good enough."
Then he stepped closer, and she stepped back, but with his large strides he was on her in seconds. "Don't fucking touch me. What are you- Reid, don't fucking touch me." There were tears in her eyes threatening to over spill, and Lis couldn't remember the last time she cried. She didn't want to do that, not now, yet she didn't think her body was going to give her much choice.
" passing on reid, 'cause, like, girl code and that just feels kinda' ... weird, i dunno'. not good weird, obvi.
" i like games, and i like tea, so nsilo's a smash.
" i love tomás, so smash, but i think we'd get distracted and probs just hang out instead.
" aj, smash.
" i think i talk too much for tetsuya to like me but tets is such a cute nickname, and that whole, like, intense karate thing he's got going on is super fun. and this game is like ... hypo ... whatevs, smash!
" pirates are hot, garrick's a smash. like, duh. "
