ANNALISE & HER FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. - to be, inevitably, updated.
ft. @reidhalstead @rosexhalstead @drownholywater-kennedy @nolanxthatcher
tws: abandonment, loss, death, sedation, kidnapping all mentioned
When you're born into a family like the Halstead's, a normal childhood is not something you're ever going to get. Growing up she watched her older brother and sister train, until she was finally old enough to join in. She watched them in awe, and became determined to be just as good as them if not better. Her mother and father were not ones you could go to with normal problems; they didn't coddle you when you were sick or injured, they told you that you need to be better. If you weren't feeling well mentally or you had a problem not related to hunting or training, they'd tell you to deal with it. Annalise longed for parents who cared, but she never got it. She didn't know if Reid or Rose had ever experienced that, or if it was simply last-born syndrome, but the love and care of her parents is all she wanted from a young age.
Instead, she set out to make them proud via her training. She trained as hard as she could, for as long as she could, never tapping out unless she absolutely had to ( which of course, was heavily frowned upon and her parents would not be happy ). Her feelings surrounding abandonment stemmed from the loss of parental love that she saw so many others receive as she grew up. Once her parents came home and told them Reid was dead, it spiraled.
She became terrified of losing anyone close to her, whilst simultaneously pushing away most people she was close to. Annalise not only lost her brother, she lost the permission to train which meant that she was cut off from the Brotherhood members. She was only lucky that she had a few contacts saved so that she could continue her training in secret with them. Kennedy took her under their wing, trained her whenever they had the spare time, but in the back of her mind all she could think about is them going on a hunt and never returning; or deciding that she wasn't worth the trouble. Despite the age difference she considered Kennedy a dear friend that she was, and still is, terrified one day won't return. She knew that Kennedy came and went, but sometimes when more time passed than usual, she would feel the panic rise within her, feeling sicker with each day that passed thinking she would never see her again.
Any time Rose left the house, she was scared out of her mind that her sister wouldn't come back. One day, that became true, just not in the way she imagined. Her older sister moved out, leaving her with the parents that had become impossibly colder after their eldest sons death. Then, she didn't know they were lying to her; now she knows, she can see it if she reflects back hard enough, but she tries not to think about those times. Her anger after then was often aimed at Rose, leading to a complete breakdown in their relationship for years, and Annalise feeling that she had been abandoned by her only remaining sibling; another person lost.
With both siblings gone, fear of abandonment and loss viciously evolved into anger and rage. Her parents had no idea how to handle that version of Annalise, the whole house feeling like a powder keg ready to explode at any given moment. She finally turned eighteen and moved out without looking back. Despite hating her parents for how they decided to raise their children, she still mourned the little relationship they had, and the relationship that she so dearly yearned for that never existed. With her parents out of her life, and her being eighteen years old, it was her choice whether she wanted to join The Brotherhood officially, and continue with her training. She did instantly, the day she turned eighteen, and continued her training with Kennedy in an official capacity. She ready quickly, and soon sent out on hunts.
She used her white hot rage against those she hunted, and her deep rooted anxiety to ensure they never left anyone behind. The people lost on the way, those that were injured, fueled her fears but the thought of them being taken away by those creatures made her continue. It was the lesser of two evils, losing someone on the job than losing them because they weren't culling the herd of supernatural creatures that descended on Port Leiry.
She reconnected with Nolan at around the time she turned twenty, and the world became a little less harsh. Her first healthy relationship, and, though words were never exchanged, she fell for him quite quickly. He was a lot of firsts for Annalise, including the person she lost her virginity to. Though never sure that she really believed that virginity was nothing more than a social concept designed for society to have yet another way of attempting to control women, even she had to admit that she felt the connection with him deepen because of it. Something in her brings her back to him in times of trouble, even now. A trust that perhaps shouldn't be there, but always will be.
Eventually, they ended the relationship; their morals no longer aligned. Annalise would always be a hunter, for as long as she could, and Nolan sat on the opposite side, desiring to join them. There was no big argument, no big clash of words or actions - they just both knew it couldn't continue. Despite the amicability of it all, Lis felt the loss deeply. She had never told him that she loved him, at least not that she remembered, but she had done; the loss of her first love almost tore her apart but she threw herself head first into her work as a hunter, and they came back to each other from time to time to fulfill their sexual needs and desires.
His betrayal at the masquerade hit hard, grabbing her when all hell broke loose, ready and willing to trade her to a vampire - for what, she still wasn't sure. The details were still unclear, and she didn't think she'd ever get the answer, but the vampire wouldn't take her so instead Nolan kidnapped and sedated her, draining her blood until the protections of verbena was out of her system and then drained her blood some more, she assumed to sell to vampires. Aside from the blood draining, he didn't hurt her, he looked after her, but that was when she realised that the version of Nolan she thought she knew was lost.
Just before the Halloween 2024, her brother made a surprise reappearance in her life. He hadn't died, like their parents led her and Rose to believe, not truly. He had been taken from them on the hunt and turned into a vampire. She was glad to have him back, and would be forever grateful that he wasn't actually dead, but things were understandably very different. Every conversation an argument, instead of the loving big brother she remembered. Her protector had been taken from her, and turned into a self-proclaimed monster; she refused to see him that way, but even Annalise couldn't argue that things were very different, and not the same. Despite him being back in her life, she's terrified of him leaving again and now, he's been missing for months.
However, with Reid coming back, her relationship with her sister Rose has been on the mend. Whilst Annalise still struggles with the fact that her sister left her behind in such a toxic household, she can now understand how desperately Rose had to get out of there; she knows now that you can't look after anyone until you look after yourself first. Still, she was suddenly thrown back into the thought that siblings aren't guaranteed to stay when Rose checked herself into a mental health facility, and admitted she'd had thoughts of ending her life. Annalise is scared to her very core that she'll lose her sister to something she can't kill, can't protect Rose from; herself.
With her long, convoluted history with abandonment, loss and fear it's no wonder the fear still strikes hard daily. Most of her rage comes from loss, in one form or another, and she's often acting out of fear until those walls come crumbling down and she crawls to whichever person she thinks can handle the current breakdown.
@nolanxthatcher - What Was I Made For? by Billie Eilish
I used to float, now I just fall down...
Feet controlled her instead of the other way around, didn't know where she was going until she was there. Annalise blinked once, twice, as if blinking herself awake; faltering when she realised whose door she found herself in front of. The smart thing would be to turn around, leave. He didn't give a single shit about her, and in fact she truly believed she could count on one hand the people that did. He used to be on that list, didn't he? She couldn't remember now.
I used to know, but I'm not so sure now...
Battling with herself, but did she really have the energy to go elsewhere? She felt like she could collapse right here and sleep through the night. Hand lifted of it's own accord, knuckles rapping at the door. She stood, waiting for him to answer, practically swaying on the spot. Things had gotten so messed up; how had they gotten so messed up? Brothers best friend, a friend, a lover, an enemy. Familiarity. Something she was desperate for. Couldn't get it from her parents, for fear she may kill them if she saw them again. Didn't want to bother her sister, who already had far too much on her plate. One more addition and it might shatter, then that would be two siblings lost. Parents, siblings, friends, enemies... Where had they all gone? Did she do this? Did she get so scared to lose people that she pushed them before they could leap?
What was I made for?
Annalise felt like she had been stood there for an eternity, though she wasn't sure Nolan would ever trust her enough to open the door and let her into his home, not now. Not after everything he'd done to make her hate him, despise him, plot her revenge. Revenge. God, that was a long time ago, wasn't it? Did she even want it anymore? Her brain so foggy, so dampened with everything she couldn't think about what she wanted.
Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real...
"Nolan, please." She called out, trying to keep the break in her voice hidden, unknowing if someone was even on the other side. Voice was hoarse, raspy, from being out searching for her brother. She had been out for hours - days? - and when she couldn't find him, after all that research and nothing showing up, she had resorted to screaming his name until her throat was so raw it hurt to even breathe. "Just today, lets go back a few years. Please. Open the door." Tears pricked at bloodshot eyes, staring at the closed door that she didn't even have the hope to think would open. "I need my big brothers best friend." And yet, he didn't exist anymore.
The house was now part hers; shared ownership between her and Rose, as her mother had put in the will. Signatures exchanged, just about the only thing she has been able to manage and that was only because her sister said it had to be done. Annalise had already put her sister through enough, she didn't want to drag it out. She had gone back to stay there, not wanting to impose on Rose any further. The youngest Halstead had been catatonic for the first few days, barely functioning over the days that followed. The only thing that got her out of bed were texts from Nolan, informing her that he was no longer human and insisting she come to the gala with him.
She forced herself into the shower, staying in there for a good thirty minutes before getting out and drying her hair. She straightened it, flicking out the ends and did some basic neutral makeup. Annalise had no idea what she was wearing, Nolan was bringing her something so she didn't want to clash or put much effort into it. Not when she was feeling how she was. The main reason she was going was because of the prospect of food and drink she didn't have to find herself.
There was a knock at the door and she moved to answer it, opening the door and staring at Nolan for a minute. "I took the last of my verbena, so I suggest you keep your fangs to yourself." It was a lie, she had none left but she hoped the threat alone would be enough to keep his hunger at bay. "You may come in, Nolan."
Surprised to see him was an understatement; Nolan really must have his fingers in all the pies if he had a vip invite to the hottest new club in town. Annalise couldn't see it being his scene much, but perhaps he'd thrive in the chaos. She had already collected her gift from AJ, the gold alchemy concoction taken from the bar the moment she walked in. She felt like it was burning a hole between her breast and the material of her dress, but she was determined to not give into it so easily at the beginning of the night. "Hey, lover boy." The blonde smirked, fingers reaching to tease at his cheek and push a rogue hair from his face. "Look at you, socialising and all dressed up, in the vip section no less. Aren't you coming up in the world, pretty boy. Trying your luck at any of the little magical games?"
Probably around three. Her first time (and many other times) was with @nolanxthatcher and the other two would have been one night stands along the way.
