#relationship time

[partydabbler]

Apologies

Thought I would have plenty of time to blog during the break... And I haven't. I send my apologies. I hope all is well! Hit me up whenever! :)

[amandaleigh09]

I stayed off of tumblr yesterday because I knew that it would be bad. I either didn't want to see completely depressing pictures or just so overly romantic that I would cry. 

I don't get it. How does he always get out of this scratch free. Yeah, it hurts him to see me cry and he wants to walk away, to avoid seeing the damage he creates, and it bothers him for a while. But it doesn't hurt him like it does me. I just cry and cry because the pain is real. I always feel my heart breaking. If you have never experienced true love and true heartbreak, then I am so envious of you. At this point, I wish I hadn't. I wish I didn't have to go through this to find the person that I'm supposed to be with. And I still make excuses for him. 

Like, he is human, we make mistakes. And I know that we have to make mistakes and I know that I have to forgive those that sin against me. But why can't I just hate him. Why can't I look at him and say, "I hate you, I hate your family, I think you guys are scum. And I think God is giving you something great right the fuck in front of you and you are stubborn. The most stubborn ass I know. Take his damn gift, because I'm perfect yet you don't think you have traveled the world enough, seen all the people you can see, and met all the possible people there could possibly be for you, you still want to be free. Like don't you see, I'm right here! I'm right the fuck here! Who is going to put up with your shit? Who is going to put up with your traveling, who is going to put up with you?" but at the same time, I want to say, "you're perfect being a stubborn ass, because that's you. It is what drives you to achieve. It is one thing that I kind of admire. It's okay, I forgive you for putting yourself ahead of me. It happens." 

Fuck

There is just this relentless unconditional love that I have for him, and its foolish. It plays me like a fucking fiddle for everybody else's entertainment, but mine. 

And it pisses me off that I don't get a second chance. Everybody gets a second chance. We basically had our relationship again but without the titles. And I was silly enough to think that it was God trying to guide us back together. It befuddles me that you wouldn't want that again. You used me so you could be happy, and I foolishly couldn't see the motives. Because I want to be with you. Why would I say no when the offer for my favorite thing is right there?

foolish. 

[oh-ryan]

I already found 1 true friend.